The last 2 and a half weeks have been such a crazy swirl of so much turmoil that, as my Mum said a day ago, this piece of time, between then and now is a blob. It’s been a blur, but also seemed like time has stood still, yet somehow we are now 2 and a half weeks after the event that has thrown our lives completely upside down.
A lot has happened in the past 3 days, I won’t go into the nitty gritty of it, but among the expanses of blackness, there have been a couple of small rays of light in the past 36 to 48 hours. We have a small piece of hope, and any hope is significant. Our future is at the whim of other people, we are in limbo, we can’t plan the future, we are in a place where everything could change with a phone call. It’s completely crazy. Unless you have experienced it, don’t even think you can imagine it. I wouldn’t have been able to imagine it until experiencing it. And I’m an artist and musician/writer, so I have a pretty good imagination.
My blow up at Dad a few days back has actually had a positive effect. He has stopped being a complete arsehole to all of us. Mum took me aside yesterday, and said that it seems he needed it, a good yelling at, telling him how he treats everyone without glossing it over. She was glad I had done it, because although life is completely complicated and stressful right now, having stopped all the bullshit nastiness spouting from my fathers mouth constantly, has made things just a little bit easier.
Tomorrow, I go to my doctor, my doctor of the past 5 years, who thought we’d said goodbye just 3 weeks ago. This is how crazy life is. I have been having a lot of stress related health problems since this all hit the fan, stomach cramps, chest pains, dizziness, blurred vision, weight loss (I need to loose weight, but not like this), nausea, and the effect it’s had on the fibromyalgia, which some of the listed symptoms are related, plus IBS, huge problems with memory and focus of thought, and a problem I have only encountered once or twice before with Fibro, but is coming every day now, stuttering and stammering. Oh, should I also mention the anxiety/panic attacks, mostly happening during the night, I wake up suddenly with a full on panic attack. I have a lot to discuss with my doctor. I am hoping he may be able to give me Valium, it’s something that has worked before when I have had enormous stress, and I am a strong believer in when you find something that works, use it.
Next week, Mum, Jack and I will be heading away for a few days, to visit family. We need a break, especially away from here. A place that once felt like a home has become a place that is ruined, with nothing that is making us feel any affinity with the place anymore. If I never come back here, once this mess is over and we move away, I won’t miss it.