Nightmares

I really hate writing about negative crap, but the whole idea of this blog is to avoid paying some idiot hundreds of dollars to pretend to listen to me and and to pretend they give a shit. It does work writing about it, by the way, much better than anybody I’ve paid.

So here I find myself at 4am, after waking with a terrible nightmare at 3.15am, writing. I suffer from PTSD, although it raises it’s ugly head less and less these days, in fact, the last time I had anything much of consequence was a while ago now. I was surprised that through all the tumultuous life upending crap we went through last year with the sale of the last house, ( if you have only been following the blog for a short time, we have sold the previous house twice, the first time it all fell through 3 days before settlement, we were packed, ready to leave, and half an hour after we found out our furniture was due to be picked up by the removalists, and although the buyers had a binding contract, we are still fighting it out for compensation), I didn’t have any real PTSD stuff happen.

However, with the continued, and escalating arseholery of my father of recent weeks, I have had a beauty of a nightmare tonight. It’s like me, don’t do anything by half measure, do it properly. It started off with my father doing something very nasty, then lo-and-behold, guess who shows up? My ex. They joined forces. What a fucking lovely nightmare. 2 arseholes for the price of one. Double the nastiness.

Due to the renovations of the house, it’s become an open invitation for my father to walk in unannounced and uninvited any old time he wants. Not that we’ve invited him, HE’S seen it as an open invitation. He isn’t needed here for any of it, for the stuff we need tradesman for, they are on the case, they know more about what needs to be done than the know-it-all. And as for the other stuff, I do a far better job of it, and take a lot less time to do it, if he isn’t around. If he pokes his nose in, the job takes, conservatively, twice as long, and then there always ends up being the inevitable fuck up, because he insists on doing something a certain way that makes absolutely no sense, and has negative financial consequences. Because he is around, he is just giving us the opportunity to see just how big of an arsehole he really is.

Because we are no longer under the same roof, or even associating with him 24 hours a day, we are seeing just how bloody nasty he is. He can’t open his mouth without being a shithead. He’s what people call a troll on social media, and I see him do that too. I really don’t understand how someone can be such an arsehole. We do everything to make sure that we don’t argue with him, arguing with him is just pointless, it just gives him the opportunity to be even worse. I do think, however, another full tilt confrontation with him is on the cards, as it is all getting too much, and very obviously starting to have a negative impact on both my mothers, and my health again.

Anyhow, I doubt I will be going back to sleep again tonight, it’s rattled me, this nightmare, so much so that even now, 40 minutes after I started writing, it still is bothering me. May as well just swing into the day, at least if I need a sleep later, it’s not a school day today.

Andy.

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Successfully back to school.

Jack has had a somewhat successful first day back at school, at his new school. He was so excited until this morning, when it dawned on him that he would not know anyone, and I guess was nervous about trying to make new friends. He is one of those children that makes friends easily, he’s a nice kid, so I guess that’s why, but he is also shy when he meets new people. As it went, the Good part of the day, according to him was he has made some new friends already, the bad bit was as it is a new school, and a lot bigger than the 2 previous schools he has been to, at lunchtime he got a bit lost. But it was easily sorted.

We’ve had a chilled afternoon since he got home, and now after dinner, his favourite spaghetti bolognese, he is safely tucked in bed.

Just before dinner time, Dad came over wanting a hand with something. The something was to go and pick up a treadmill, as usual, his timing was shocking. He really hasn’t a clue and is really quite selfish. I was supposed to cook dinner, but ended up getting Mum to, so I could help him. So an hour after we were supposed to have dinner, hence making Jack late for bed, we had dinner.

The other part of the frustration of having to go, which, if I didn’t, he would have carried on like a 3 year old, it must be a thing of blokes that age,(yes USA, you know who I’m referring to there), was that he is rapidly becoming a crap driver, and it was belting down with rain, he wasn’t concentrating on driving (I actually told him to stop looking at me and watch the road), was speeding, and it was just generally scary. Not happening again, I think I’d rather deal with the 3 year old, than get seriously injured in a car crash because he is so shit at driving.

I also had to put up with his boring diatribe of how smart he is (he isn’t), how he spent all of his sons childhoods going to university (which he has never used the qualification, so completely pointless, other than to use to big note himself), which meant that the time he could have actually been a parent to us, he wasn’t. I know both myself and my brother are pretty angry with him, he spent all that time away from us for no good reason, and he’s just become more arrogant because he has a university degree. He’s actually pretty dumb. Say’s more about the lack of standards at university than anything else, considering he walked out of there with a degree.

I really don’t know how I managed to get through the whole drive up to the other side of town and back without just going off at him. I did, but then when I got back, I was just in such a foul mood that I have been irritable ever since. I spoke with Mum after Jack went to bed, and she wasn’t surprised, about any of it. Apparently he has done the same when they have gone anywhere recently together, although Mum avoids it most of the time and goes with me everywhere instead. Honestly, now we have all had some separation from his bad behaviour, it’s actually quite shocking to see how bad he really is. It isn’t that he is any worse than before, he isn’t, it’s just that it’s not up in our faces 24 hours a day now, and sometimes we don’t see him for a couple of days now, so when we do, we see he hasn’t changed, and how bad he really is. It’s hard to deal with.

It’s one of those catch 22 situations, you feel like unloading on him, but you know it won’t make any difference. If you give back to him as good as he dishes out, it just makes it worse. He happily dishes it out, but can’t take it himself.

Anyhow, this is what this blog is about, I apologise, but don’t at the same time, for unloading all that crap and venting my spleen, is a way of getting it out without a major catastrophe. Also, I guess, it makes some of you realise that you aren’t alone, because I am sure I am not the only one who deals with crappy people like this.

I must go to bed, I am exhausted, and need to be up early again for the next day of school.

Goodnight.

Andy.

I should be asleep

I am thoroughly exhausted, having been running on empty for weeks now. The move, the crap beforehand, and now all the stuff we have had to do since being here has been full on. It’s go, go, go all the time. I don’t know how I am managing it. I really aren’t managing it, it’s more like going from one urgent matter to another. You just have to go with the flow.

So, right now, it is under 7 hours away from when the next tradies arrive to do some work on the house. I really should be fast asleep, re-energising for the new day, but I have found myself sorting out my DVD collection into some sort of order, my mind is buzzing, and even though I feel like collapsing, I can’t switch off. I really have been burning the candle at both ends.

I know a massive crash is going to happen, it’s not if, but when. I hope it’s within the school holiday period, because then I can still handle all my obligations fairly easily.

We have done massive amounts of work every day. I have, for example, drilled multiple holes into concrete today to lift curtains in 3 rooms, unpacked and set up half the Christmas stuff, assembled a new bed, cut Jack’s hair, attended his enrollment interview at the school, done shopping, come back and unpacked artwork, and then done all the sorting of the DVD’s. Tomorrow, it’s out after the tradies leave to look for plants for the garden, and look for more furniture, and if we get plants, the afternoon will be planting.

Anyhow, I am going to attempt to sleep now, hopefully it happens.

Goodnight.

Feeling generally more positive, the first time in a while.

A second post in as many days !! It’s a drizzly day, and warm, which is highly unusual in this neck of the woods at this time the year. I have done the morning school run, then taken the recycling to the recycling centre, done a bit of top up shopping, done a run through the Op Shops, got medicine from the chemist, and have now come back home to be home alone, not a usual situation to be in, but I’ll take it !!

I don’t have a tonne of stuff on the cards today, it’s still the half world of being ready to move, but not able to yet, but it is looking more and more certain as the days go by this time around. We will be permanently living in the Tropics by Christmas, I am sure of it.

Jack has been the most amazing kid the past few weeks, he has, without being asked, been straightening out the bed each morning, has been making a pretty good effort to keep things tidy, and even put his washing in the washing basket, instead of in the bed, on the floor, in the lounge room, etc……. We are sharing my bed, a double, seeing as we had sold our old double/single bunk bed before the last sale of the house fell through 2 days before we were supposed to be leaving. Anyhow, I will be looking forward to having it all to myself again when we arrive at the final destination, but for now, we have to do what we have to do. It’s amazing, I knew he moved around a lot in bed already, but he must be at a rave party in his dreams, because he has arms and legs flying everywhere !!!

I think, seeing that the house is so quiet right now, that I might try and have a nap, I am so worn out from all the stress and worry and uncertainty of the past  couple of months, and will need to start focusing on getting both mentally and physically prepared and rested for the big drive when it comes, which at this stage is likely about 4 weeks from today. We have to do over 3000km to get to the new place (3329km to be precise according to Google maps !!) which will be about 5 days driving, and seeing a 350km drive takes it out of me at the moment, then I really need to get ready for that one !!!

Time

I have been so dark and stormy, sort of like the weather outside tonight, for the past few months. It’s not normally me, but with everything that has been going on, I don’t think you could expect anything less from someone going through all that crap.

Over the past couple of weeks, we have put a circuit breaker in a lot of the crap, firstly, we got the go ahead to put the house back on the market, so we did (with no real estate agents this time), Facebook Marketplace actually, and within about 16 hours, we had 3 people come and look at the place, hectic, but we actually had an offer made by the end of the day. An offer that we accepted. Tuesday we should see the contract signed, deposit paid, and everything back on track. We have even made arrangements with the owner of the place we were going to buy to buy it again, and thankfully, that too is steaming ahead. Hopefully it isn’t a repeat of the Titanic this time.

After my little (read BIG) explosion at my father, things settled down, and so far, things are holding steady. He has been a reasonable human being for the most part now for 3 weeks, which is a record by a long stretch.

During the past fortnight, we, meaning Mum, Jack myself went for a 5 day sojourn to Melbourne, it ended up being a bit  busier than I think we had anticipated, the time flew, but we spent some great time with my Aunt and brother. My only real plan for the 5 days was a trip to the Point Cook RAAF Museum, and a possible Op Shopping day, which accomplished, but my brother also insisted on us all going Ten Pin Bowling, and seeing a movie (the new Johnny English one) on one day, and my Aunt insisted on us going to the Werribee Open Plains Zoo, which by the way, was absolutely brilliant, far, far better than I had expected.

I am currently very drained however. I am still taking Valium to sleep at night, I did do a couple of nights without, but have needed them again. I am excited by the prospect that this time the sale and move will go through, but am containing that excitement, deliberately trying to avoid another disappointment. I couldn’t take what happened happening again, I’d end up going into a complete breakdown. It’s hard to keep your shit together when you are prone to depression, that’s what the Valium is doing, helping me keep my shit together.

Tomorrow sees Jack back to school for another school term, so this afternoon has been a flurry of making sure bags are ready, shoes are polished, and I even managed to fit in cutting his hair, yes, a single parent has to be a jack of all trades. Apart from his first ever hair cut by a hairdresser (which to be honest, was woeful), I have been cutting his hair ever since, and seeing the mum’s of the kids at the school want to know who cuts Jack’s hair because they want their kids done by them, then I must do a good job (I always say to the mum’s that it was “somewhere in the next town, can’t remember what they are called”, I don’t want to be a hairdresser for everyone else’s kids!!).

Anyway, I am pretty tired, but just wanted touch base so you didn’t think I’d fallen off the face of the planet.

Goodnight.

Andy.

Light and Dark

The last 2 and a half weeks have been such a crazy swirl of so much turmoil that, as my Mum said a day ago, this piece of time, between then and now is a blob. It’s been a blur, but also seemed like time has stood still, yet somehow we are now 2 and a half weeks after the event that has thrown our lives completely upside down.

A lot has happened in the past 3 days, I won’t go into the nitty gritty of it, but among the expanses of blackness, there have been a couple of small rays of light in the past 36 to 48 hours. We have a small piece of hope, and any hope is significant. Our future is at the whim of other people, we are in limbo, we can’t plan the future, we are in a place where everything could change with a phone call. It’s completely crazy. Unless you have experienced it, don’t even think you can imagine it. I wouldn’t have been able to imagine it until experiencing it. And I’m an artist and musician/writer, so I have a pretty good imagination.

My blow up at Dad a few days back has actually had a positive effect. He has stopped being a complete arsehole to all of us. Mum took me aside yesterday, and said that it seems he needed it, a good yelling at, telling him how he treats everyone without glossing it over. She was glad I had done it, because although life is completely complicated and stressful right now, having stopped all the bullshit nastiness spouting from my fathers mouth constantly, has made things just a little bit easier.

Tomorrow, I go to my doctor, my doctor of the past 5 years, who thought we’d said goodbye just 3 weeks ago. This is how crazy life is. I have been having a lot of stress related health problems since this all hit the fan, stomach cramps, chest pains, dizziness, blurred vision, weight loss (I need to loose weight, but not like this), nausea, and the effect it’s had on the fibromyalgia, which some of the listed symptoms are related, plus IBS, huge problems with memory and focus of thought, and a problem I have only encountered once or twice before with Fibro, but is coming every day now, stuttering and stammering. Oh, should I also mention the anxiety/panic attacks, mostly happening during the night, I wake up suddenly with a full on panic attack. I have a lot to discuss with my doctor. I am hoping he may be able to give me Valium, it’s something that has worked before when I have had enormous stress, and I am a strong believer in when you find something that works, use it.

Next week, Mum, Jack and I will be heading away for a few days, to visit family. We need a break, especially away from here. A place that once felt like a home has become a place that is ruined, with nothing that is making us feel any affinity with the place anymore. If I never come back here, once this mess is over and we move away, I won’t miss it.

 

 

Feeling very unwell

On Friday night, I had to take my mum to the hospital. She had been extremely fatigued and in pain for most of the day, it came on quite suddenly when we had been in town during the morning. When we got home at midday, she went to bed, no lunch, just straight to bed. I too was feeling wiped out, and tried to sleep but after an hour, and a throbbing pain in my right leg, I gave up trying to sleep. I went and collected Jack from school at home time, and when I got back, Mum was still asleep.

I checked on her, she was restless but asleep, so I let her be. Then, at dinner, she was very lethargic, and my concern for her at this point was quite elevated. We had dinner, got ready to go to bed, and went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I checked on Mum at 9pm, and she was breathing quite rapidly, you can really hear it when someone is using a CPAP machine. I said something to Dad, who seemed completely unconcerned. In fact, I have come to realise that he genuinely didn’t give a shit.

Anyhow, off we went, Mum, Jack and myself (because Dad didn’t give a shit), and spent the next 3 to 4 hours in the hospital emergency, where they did a variety of tests, including an ECG. Luckily, it wasn’t a heart attack, but it had all the hallmarks, instead it was the worst fibromyalgia flare up Mum has had yet. That’s the thing about Fibromyalgia, it can present symptoms of a heart attack.

We got home well past midnight, and Mum was off her head on Vallium and another pill they gave her at the hospital, and slept soundly until past 11 am on Saturday.  She was still not feeling great all day yesterday, but was noticeably better. Today she is almost back to normal.

So, now we get to Dad, and now knowing he doesn’t give two hoots about any of us, for sure.

Apart from his unconcern on Friday night, Saturday, seeing she HADN’T had a heart attack, he decided that it was game on again with all the nastiness. I found it very hard to stop myself from exploding at him, but did as mum had wanted, kept it together. Then came this morning, and I had had enough. So, I exploded. Jack was actually scared, and Mum and Jack both went to the room. I told him we knew he didn’t give a shit about us, how he was a nasty pig to everyone, and that I had had enough. He sat, completely unmoved, in his arrogant way. Surprisingly, he didn’t say a thing.

Mum, Jack and I left the house shortly after, as we had to get some prescriptions to be filled, and shopping to do. On the way into town, Mum told me that she was glad I said it.

When we got home, like the totally clueless fuckwit he is, he decided to be an arrogant pig again to Mum, but this time she found her voice. I haven’t spoken to him since this morning, and unless he starts being nasty to Mum, Jack or myself again, I won’t talk to him. I honestly don’t care if I never speak to him again.

Needless to say, I am now extremely unwell, I am having moments of dizziness, I am experiencing more and more intense pain as the hours go by, I feel ill in my stomach, and I have slept for most of the afternoon myself, even at one stage falling asleep without my CPAP machine, which I NEVER do. I’ve eaten dinner, but it wasn’t enjoyable. Right now, it is time for Jack to go to bed, as it is school tomorrow, and even though I have slept all afternoon, I don’t think it will be a problem to go back to sleep, as long as the pain doesn’t stop me.

I wish life would suddenly change. I wish luck would finally shine on Mum, Jack and I. I don’t know how bad it needs to get before things get better for us. I am still not depressed, I am just lost. It doesn’t come as a surprise when the next bit of bad stuff happens. I have always done nice things for everyone, I care about people. Why do we deserve this crap ?