I need some help finding a doctor….

When you are in my position, you try anything. So here I go, for what it’s worth, can anyone in Cairns recommend a bulk billing doctor who can help me with Fibromyalgia who will prescribe the only thing that has worked so far, opiod based painkillers, without being an arsehole about it ? I have tried other drugs, which they all want to push on you instead of opiods, and they have not worked, they have left me writhing in agony and unable to sleep.

Today I thought I had found that doctor, he even says on his blog that he is an authorised or whatever opiod prescribing doctor, yet when I went there, showed him I had a current course that I have been regularly prescribed for the condition of fibromyalgia, he then comes out all anti opiate based pain relief, and to be honest, he shouldn’t be a doctor for any type of medical condition, he is arrogant, and didn’t even take my blood pressure, even though I am a new patient who has hypertension !!!

I am at a lose end here with this, I have 14 days of Tramadol left, and now am struggling to find a doctor who will actually let me have some semblance of quality of life. I really fucking hate this shit. Yes, I am angry and sweary, which isn’t helping my fibromyalgia at all, but when you are faced with the fact that in 14 days time, you will be in a position where you will be in complete agony, and nobody seems to want to help, you’d be sweary  and angry too. I can’t afford to be floored completely by the pain, which will happen, I have a son to look after. I don’t understand why nobody seems to understand how bad this condition is. The agency responsible for disability pension doesn’t. Lot’s of doctors don’t. I really don’t know where to turn here. This is becoming a very real problem. Does anyone care ??

I just don’t know what to do. I guess I will end up at the emergency department of the local hospital in 2 weeks time, then what………..

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Weirdness

I haven’t been bombarding the airwaves for the past couple of days, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind of days. Last week ended as it does, on a Friday, hahahaha, yes I know I’m funny, well dad joke style, and then on Saturday we had a day off. Well, sort of.

I managed to sleep in a bit, although 8 to 8.30 am is about the best I can do these days, even though I still wake like a zombie, and feeling like I need 3 years sleep. It’s just the way it is all the time now. We had breakfast, Jack actually made himself an omelette all by himself, with a little guidance from Mum, and he was really chuffed. I had a bowl of my usual cereal, one of those full of grain things with dried cranberries and tropical fruits. I don’t always eat breakfast now, like I never did before, but because I was trying to set an example for Jack, I started again for a while. I just don’t seem to feel like eating until around 10am, and if I don’t eat until then, I lose weight.

After breakfast, we headed down to Babinda Boulders, a really neat swimming hole, on Babinda Creek, a few kilometres from the little town of Babinda. I had been there before, and funnily enough, so had Jack, although in his mothers womb at the time, it was one of the places we went when she was suffering from the pregnancy. The swimming hole is at the joining of Babinda Creek with a small side branch waterway, and the water is mountain cold, and crystal clear. It is surrounded by rainforest, the bed of the waterhole being course sand and smooth rocks with no silt, so really nice on the feet. Green Birdwing and Ulysses Blue Butterflies float around without a care in the world. Mum came too, and she has fallen in love with the place as much as I have been, since the first time I went there over 9 years ago.

After about an hour of just floating around in the beautioful cool water, we got out and changed, and then went back into Babinda for a little walk around to see what was about, before we headed up to Belenden Ker Cafe, a non-descript little cafe in a 2 storey house next to the highway. We had heard about the amazing pies they make, so after finally finding it (it just has a sandwich board sign out the front advertising coffee and cake, with no other signage to even indicate it is even a business), we stopped in for lunch. All the talk about the pies was spot on. They were the best I have had for years.

After that, we took a drive down a side road, to Behana Gorge, just to see where the road went. It is not far from home, so it will certainly be another adventure soon. Apparently there is a waterfall there, although you need to walk to it. Then, we decided that going home was not an option just yet, so we headed out to Yarrabah, Mum hadn’t been out there yet, and took in the wonderful paradise once again that is this beautiful Aboriginal Community. After that, we were thoroughly tired, so a slap together meal was all we could manage to make and eat, before drifting off to sleep.

Sunday, we were out again, this time earlier, as we had heard about another fruit and vege market that is in Cairns city, Rusty’s Market. We hadn’t been in before, but after our Sunday morning visit, we have unanimously decided it will be where any fruit and veges we need will come from. It is open every Friday, Saturday and Sunday, which is great as we need to buy fruit and veges weekly. As our vege garden gets into production, we won’t need so much from the shops, but we will not be growing everything, we just don’t have the space, so we will still need to go there.

The rest of Sunday was a blur, even though it was only yesterday, I can’t remember much else we did, I was suffering pretty badly with fibromyalgia, so that is probably why I don’t remember. Getting to sleep was an ordeal last night too.

Today my body has been a rollercoaster ride, Jack has been back to school, and I just pushed on, mulching the vege plants, doing a bit of weeding, some cleaning, fixing some of Mums furniture that got broken by the removalists, and what ever else happened. Yes, today was bit like yesterday as well.

I started this post with the title, weirdness, and this is the part where I explain it. With everything that’s been happening, and the fact that since just after Christmas the main living areas of the house have been some form of construction zone, I have not felt settled.

Right now, we don’t have a functional kitchen, it’s nearly there, but we are having to use the laundry tub as our kitchen sink, and the BBQ, which fortunately has a gas ring burner as well, is our stove and everything else. The great big 8 seater table I made years ago is inside, currently being used as our kitchen bench. It really is too big to use as a kitchen table inside, that is why, up until the kitchen benches were removed last week, it was outside. It will go back out there once the bench tops are ready to pick up and I’ve installed them. Thankfully all the tiling is now finished and we have our house a little more normal. But it’s not quite there yet.

When I came up the street on Saturday after our day out, and saw the house, I had this sudden feeling that I wasn’t coming home just yet. It doesn’t quite feel like home. I am not sure what it is, I put it down to the fact that things haven’t settled down yet because of the renovations, but yeah, I don’t know, it’s just not quite home yet. How long does it take for a new place to feel like home?

I spoke to Mum about it today, and she agreed, she feels the same way. That is just how things go. As we make more of our own mark on the place, as the gardens get fuller, and everything settles down, it will feel more like home. I get these feelings sometimes, at absolutely random moments in time, that I almost have to pinch myself that we are actually living here now. Only last Friday, when I was stopped at the traffic lights on the way to pick up Jack from school, this wave of disbelief that we are really here rolled over me. It’s just so random when it happens, but so unreal. I guess once life returns to normal routine again, it will be alright.

Thursday, I will be seeing a new doctor, for the first time here. I am getting low on medications I need to stay mainly okay, and don’t want to run out. I have been procrastinating over it, but now with only about 8 days worth of Tramadol left, I really need to just get on with it. I really hope the new doctor is as good as my old one. I will find out on Thursday I guess.

Anyhow, I should get myself off to bed, I need sleep as always, and I have to be up early for the usual school day stuff. Goodnight.

Andy.

Ticking along.

Somehow or another, I have managed to get through another day. Yippee for me !!! I know, I know, wow wee, but when you are battling against your own body, or is that your body is battling against you, every single day, getting to the end of the day, having achieved anything at all other than getting up, and going back to sleep, is a big deal.

Talking about achievements, today I have managed to sort a few more things out, although I haven’t been able to spend much more than 5 minutes on a job before I’ve had to rest again for a bit, but I planted all the tomato seedlings we got on the weekend, finally hung the 2 hanging baskets with the Cucumelons in them, and, I have managed to fix the teeny little rust spots in the roof of my car where stone chips had started to become something else.

I used to be a car detailer for quite a few years, and learnt about fixing paintwork at an automotive refinishers as part of my qualifications (yes, car detailing is technical if you do it right). Even though I have the skills, and have also had the materials to do these little fix it jobs on my own car for at least 12 months, it’s either been my body against me, too many other things going on in life, or the weather hasn’t been conducive to doing car paintwork repairs. Now I live in a better climate, and life is starting to settle down a bit, I decided to push back against my recalcitrant body, and get on with it. The little chips had started to spider out from the original chips with little lines of rust forming under the paintwork, and the recent heavy rain had accelerated it a little bit, so it went from being a get to soon job, to a little more urgent. I also have a set of roof racks coming for my car, I bought them on Ebay, so I wanted to get it sorted before I fit them, otherwise the job would be harder with them in the way.

Right now, I have probably 2 more coats of paint to go on to them, and a little bit of cutting and polishing, and then it will not even look as though I have had to do anything. The paint is so well colour matched that it will not be noticeable in the slightest. I am so happy that I still have the skills, and am able to actually do it. There is a lot of other stone chips to fix, and a few small scratches as well, ( The roads in Victoria, Australia are not good for car paintwork, actually, they aren’t real good for any part of a car !!), but none were as urgent as the roof, and for now, they are only stone chips, they haven’t progressed into the more problematic rust as yet.

Apart from those tasks, I have also managed to do my washing, and changed the bed linen, which I am probably a bit anal about, I have to do it every Wednesday. Luckily, Jack is now old enough to help me strip and make the beds, so it’s not as big a task as it was even 6 months ago.

Well, for now, that is the little update, I am not great, but trying to get on with life, what else can I do ?

Andy.

Lighten up.

Although I am not much different to recent previous days, I just wanted to lighten up things, as reading what I have written in the past week or so must be full on. It’s raw and true, and really how things are. But I just wanted show you some photo’s I have taken recently.

Gordonvale and FNQ feb 2019 001

This was a shot from a couple of nights ago, straight out the front of our place. I took about 10 shots, this the only one that lit up from the lightning going on deep inside the storm. These storms are mammoth, those “hills” at the bottom are actually 1km tall mountains. Gives you a bit of perspective as to how high into the sky those storms go.

Gordonvale and FNQ feb 2019 002

This is from yesterday, beautiful and sunny, this is the Palmerston Gorge, west of Innisfail.

Gordonvale and FNQ feb 2019 008

This was our little haul from yesterdays outing. Tomatoes and tomato plants, Cucumelon plants, sweet potato, capsicum, avocado, Pawpaw, Pineapple and Spanish Onions.

nqjan2019 001

And just one last one, from about 2 weeks ago, the male Cassowary and his chick at Etty Bay. Not the best of shots, we pulled over and I had to shoot across the car from the drivers side. The males raise the chicks, and these birds are pretty dangerous if they get upset with you. Absolutely stunning animals though.

Cheers for now.

Andy.

Going to the markets tomorrow.

Today I gave myself a kick in the backside to try and snap out of the funk I have been in for days. It seems it worked to some extent, I still feel no different on the pain and fatigue front, it is really shitty to be honest still. However, I pushed myself through the day, determined to achieve something other than just surviving another day. I managed to vacuum and mop the whole place, did the washing, and even did a bit of work on one of my headlights, as it had become yellowed, as these plastic headlights tend to these days. It’s not perfect yet, but it is a lot clearer, and not yellow any more.

Tonight I have an arthritis glove on my right hand, as it is helping a little with pain relief, and I also have some ankle braces on both ankles for the same reason. Maybe, as these have been the 3 parts of my body that have been hurting in the middle of the night when I wake up, it will help me sleep better tonight.

Tomorrow, as a glutton for punishment, I am getting up at 6am to get ready to go to the markets at Atherton at 7am. We are hoping to get some bargains on fresh produce to stock up the pantry, and also, well I am anyhow, hoping to get some more food plants for the garden. A lemon, lime, mandarin, and a Pawpaw would be good. Chillies also.

Talking about the food plants, we’ve lost a few that we bought as seedlings, now we only have 2 lettuce and 3 rocket surviving, the rest just haven’t dealt with the recent climate well. The Passionfruit is going crazy, every night it seems to grow another 2 to 3 inches. I have beans that have germinated and are like the ones in the fairy tale. Yes, Jack and the Beanstalk, ironically. This afternoon I also saw that 2 of my corn seeds have germinated, along with quite a few of the spring onion seeds I sewed during the week. I didn’t check the peas, but yesterday they hadn’t surfaced yet. Our carrots seem to be chugging along well, and the only tomato that survived the weather, the cherry one, is doing well also. It seems that we will have to direct plant seeds, instead of seedlings, as they seem to cope better.

I also had a little win, I bought some shirts for Jack at an Op Shop before Christmas, not realising one of them was for one of the School Sports Houses, and I didn’t know which one Jack was going to be in at the time, but by happy fluke, nothing else, the one I got is the Sports House he is in !!! Incredible.

Anyhow, I have a big day tomorrow, it will start too early, and we will be going for a bit of an explore around the southern Tablelands after the market before coming home, so another 150km of driving, and the hard bit, thankfully, is first thing in the morning, going up the steep, narrow and windy Gillies Range. I don’t mind windy mountain roads, but it is a long climb, and you have to look out for twits that drive like loons.

I must retire to my sheets now, and snuggle for a good sleep, hopefully.

Goodnight.

Andy.

 

All over the show, and other crap.

It’s really hard to keep a positive focus all the time, especially when you’ve hit about day 8 of a really bad patch with fibromyalgia. Add to that the 242 days since my father decided to tell us he hated us all on Jack’s Birthday, yeah, a real classy move that, and all the continuous crap to do with that since, and yeah, it’s fucking lovely. It was true, he still hates us, because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t such an arsehole. The only consolation is that he hates everyone, and anyone who knows him, the feeling is likely mutual.

I try hard NOT to be my father. I think that that probably has irked him more than anything, seeing how Jack and I get along so well and what a fucking brilliant dad I am, and what a completely pathetic one he was, and still is. I certainly didn’t learn it from him, that’s for sure.

Yes, I am being really negative. I don’t really apologise. Right now, I don’t even think a holiday surrounded by beautiful women would fix me up. I am worn out, ground down, there really isn’t anything much left. I need a lucky break, but it just isn’t, and probably won’t happen. Can I just go to sleep and someone wake me when this shit is over ?

242 days ago, I was going to delete my Facebook account, and because it was glitchy that day, I didn’t get a chance. Yes, I actually hit the button to delete my account, but it didn’t work. Now, I am getting close to doing it again, starting a brand new one under an assumed name, and choosing who I want to remain friends with, people I KNOW I can trust not to pass crap on to people I want gone. Oh God, this post is all over the place, but I will keep going as is.

When I go through a spell as bad as this current bout of Fibromyalgia is, I get to the point where I get scared. The main thing is I get scared about if it’s going to end. The longer they go, the worse it is. I really don’t know how I get through it. The pain and fatigue just grind away, until, well, I don’t know, it just gets so demoralising.  I don’t know if anyone understands. I just want to feel normal, what ever that is, for just a bit. It is so hard.

Don’t think I’m a snowflake. I’ve worked 18 hour days 7 days a week as a stockman, I’ve been kicked by horses and bulls, and just got back up and back into it. I have worked damned hard in my life, and barely complained. Broken bone, if it didn’t stop me I didn’t bother to go to the doctor, it’ll sort itself out. I’ve been stabbed, and just held the wound together and driven myself to hospital. I am pretty tough. But this cruel illness has stuffed me. My mother has it and she reckons the pain of a bad flare up is worse than child birth.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I used to be the person who everyone came to for answers, and I can’t find the answer. I’ve got to stop writing. I am alone, I don’t even have a loving caring partner to help me through this. No, I’ve got to stop, all I am doing is getting myself all upset and crying. This is how bad fibromyalgia is.

Andy.

Just………..well, just

I am just hanging in there. This is one of those posts. You know, where I lay out how bad the fibromyalgia is, and the struggle worsening today. Well, it is, but isn’t one of those posts, but it is. Wow, that was a great bit of back and forth, wasn’t it ???

I still try and make myself laugh when the fit hits the shan. Yep, there I go again. Today has been rough. Real rough. This morning I woke up asleep, and really haven’t shifted past that all day, but somehow I have managed to get to this end of the day. And pains have been popping up everywhere. At one stage, the stage where I had to drive the car to pick up Jack from school, my right arm, around and just below the elbow, got so painful that I couldn’t hold it up and hold the steering wheel. “So what?” I hear you say. Well, I drive stick. I hate automatics. That’s the so what. So every time I had to change gears, I had to move my arm up in agony to steady the wheel while changing the gears (yes, I am Australian, we drive on the correct side of the road !!!)

It started waking up asleep, stepping out of bed, and as I took my first step, pain shot through every single toe on my foot. During the day, it’s been between my shoulders, and travelling up my neck, and randomly appearing in my calves, my feet, fingers, arms, and anywhere else it tickles it’s fancy.

Anyhow, not to let being absolutely crippled get me down, I  actually managed to mow the grass, and finally sold my trailer. I have been getting stuffed around by half a dozen people, they arrange a time to come, then no show, or turn up, agree on a price, say they are going to get the cash and come back, never to be seen again. Well, today’s chap contacted me last night, drove a 2 hour round trip from the Atherton Tablelands, this afternoon, and after about 2 minutes looking it over with his Uncle, handed over the cash, did the paperwork, and that was that. I have been stuffed around for over 2 weeks, and then this fellow made it all so easy. It was refreshing to finally encounter someone who has manners enough not to stuff someone around.

Now I have $500 in my pocket, part of which is buying me a brand new mattress tomorrow, the first brand new mattress I will have ever had in my 41 years of life. The rest is going to be rolled into a business venture that I am going to try and embark upon. I will fill you in on that as it unfolds, but just let me tell you, it will be multi-faceted.

The other little bits of today where I was capable of anything much, I managed to get Jack to and from school, it may not seem like much, but today it was climbing Mt Everest, I cleaned out a bunch of plastic milk bottles that we need to take to the container refund scheme, yep, a stinky job, and popped a cutting of turmeric, that the chap that is tiling our place brought with him for us this morning, into a pot.

On the subject of tiling, he is nearly finished, and it looks fantastic. The renovations are nearing completion, well the major bits anyhow, with the last major thing to do, the removal and replacement of the kitchen bench tops, being done early next week, yet again, by me. We will be without a functioning kitchen for about 5 days, but it will be so worth it. That is the time it will take to remove it, get the new tops made to size, and then for me to fit the new ones once they are ready. That will be the last majorly disruptive thing to be done. Over the next few months we will paint the place as well, but that is easy and will be done in small bits, as finances allow.

Well, for now, I might leave it here, I need sleep, and my body feels like I have done 20 rounds with Mike Tyson (minus the ear biting bit), so hopefully, seeing the pain killers seem to be just kicking in, I will be able to sleep.

Goodnight.

Andy.