Light and Dark

The last 2 and a half weeks have been such a crazy swirl of so much turmoil that, as my Mum said a day ago, this piece of time, between then and now is a blob. It’s been a blur, but also seemed like time has stood still, yet somehow we are now 2 and a half weeks after the event that has thrown our lives completely upside down.

A lot has happened in the past 3 days, I won’t go into the nitty gritty of it, but among the expanses of blackness, there have been a couple of small rays of light in the past 36 to 48 hours. We have a small piece of hope, and any hope is significant. Our future is at the whim of other people, we are in limbo, we can’t plan the future, we are in a place where everything could change with a phone call. It’s completely crazy. Unless you have experienced it, don’t even think you can imagine it. I wouldn’t have been able to imagine it until experiencing it. And I’m an artist and musician/writer, so I have a pretty good imagination.

My blow up at Dad a few days back has actually had a positive effect. He has stopped being a complete arsehole to all of us. Mum took me aside yesterday, and said that it seems he needed it, a good yelling at, telling him how he treats everyone without glossing it over. She was glad I had done it, because although life is completely complicated and stressful right now, having stopped all the bullshit nastiness spouting from my fathers mouth constantly, has made things just a little bit easier.

Tomorrow, I go to my doctor, my doctor of the past 5 years, who thought we’d said goodbye just 3 weeks ago. This is how crazy life is. I have been having a lot of stress related health problems since this all hit the fan, stomach cramps, chest pains, dizziness, blurred vision, weight loss (I need to loose weight, but not like this), nausea, and the effect it’s had on the fibromyalgia, which some of the listed symptoms are related, plus IBS, huge problems with memory and focus of thought, and a problem I have only encountered once or twice before with Fibro, but is coming every day now, stuttering and stammering. Oh, should I also mention the anxiety/panic attacks, mostly happening during the night, I wake up suddenly with a full on panic attack. I have a lot to discuss with my doctor. I am hoping he may be able to give me Valium, it’s something that has worked before when I have had enormous stress, and I am a strong believer in when you find something that works, use it.

Next week, Mum, Jack and I will be heading away for a few days, to visit family. We need a break, especially away from here. A place that once felt like a home has become a place that is ruined, with nothing that is making us feel any affinity with the place anymore. If I never come back here, once this mess is over and we move away, I won’t miss it.

 

 

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Feeling very unwell

On Friday night, I had to take my mum to the hospital. She had been extremely fatigued and in pain for most of the day, it came on quite suddenly when we had been in town during the morning. When we got home at midday, she went to bed, no lunch, just straight to bed. I too was feeling wiped out, and tried to sleep but after an hour, and a throbbing pain in my right leg, I gave up trying to sleep. I went and collected Jack from school at home time, and when I got back, Mum was still asleep.

I checked on her, she was restless but asleep, so I let her be. Then, at dinner, she was very lethargic, and my concern for her at this point was quite elevated. We had dinner, got ready to go to bed, and went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I checked on Mum at 9pm, and she was breathing quite rapidly, you can really hear it when someone is using a CPAP machine. I said something to Dad, who seemed completely unconcerned. In fact, I have come to realise that he genuinely didn’t give a shit.

Anyhow, off we went, Mum, Jack and myself (because Dad didn’t give a shit), and spent the next 3 to 4 hours in the hospital emergency, where they did a variety of tests, including an ECG. Luckily, it wasn’t a heart attack, but it had all the hallmarks, instead it was the worst fibromyalgia flare up Mum has had yet. That’s the thing about Fibromyalgia, it can present symptoms of a heart attack.

We got home well past midnight, and Mum was off her head on Vallium and another pill they gave her at the hospital, and slept soundly until past 11 am on Saturday.  She was still not feeling great all day yesterday, but was noticeably better. Today she is almost back to normal.

So, now we get to Dad, and now knowing he doesn’t give two hoots about any of us, for sure.

Apart from his unconcern on Friday night, Saturday, seeing she HADN’T had a heart attack, he decided that it was game on again with all the nastiness. I found it very hard to stop myself from exploding at him, but did as mum had wanted, kept it together. Then came this morning, and I had had enough. So, I exploded. Jack was actually scared, and Mum and Jack both went to the room. I told him we knew he didn’t give a shit about us, how he was a nasty pig to everyone, and that I had had enough. He sat, completely unmoved, in his arrogant way. Surprisingly, he didn’t say a thing.

Mum, Jack and I left the house shortly after, as we had to get some prescriptions to be filled, and shopping to do. On the way into town, Mum told me that she was glad I said it.

When we got home, like the totally clueless fuckwit he is, he decided to be an arrogant pig again to Mum, but this time she found her voice. I haven’t spoken to him since this morning, and unless he starts being nasty to Mum, Jack or myself again, I won’t talk to him. I honestly don’t care if I never speak to him again.

Needless to say, I am now extremely unwell, I am having moments of dizziness, I am experiencing more and more intense pain as the hours go by, I feel ill in my stomach, and I have slept for most of the afternoon myself, even at one stage falling asleep without my CPAP machine, which I NEVER do. I’ve eaten dinner, but it wasn’t enjoyable. Right now, it is time for Jack to go to bed, as it is school tomorrow, and even though I have slept all afternoon, I don’t think it will be a problem to go back to sleep, as long as the pain doesn’t stop me.

I wish life would suddenly change. I wish luck would finally shine on Mum, Jack and I. I don’t know how bad it needs to get before things get better for us. I am still not depressed, I am just lost. It doesn’t come as a surprise when the next bit of bad stuff happens. I have always done nice things for everyone, I care about people. Why do we deserve this crap ?

3 weeks to go…..

So the move is definitely on, and we now have a house to move to.

Mum and Dad have found a place where Mum, Jack and myself can live together in the main house, and Dad has his own smaller self contained house on the same block. We move out of here on the 6th of September, and all going well, we move in to the new place on the 14th. It will take us 6 or 7 days to get there, it’s a cross country trip, so it all seems to be falling into place.

The past week Jack and I have been home alone, and between packing already sealed boxes of stuff of mum and dads, and getting my last couple of things into the shipping container, making sure we are both fed each day and doing the usual stuff, plus a few appointments thrown in the mix, and I feel completely wrecked. I can say with a high level of certainty that moving in with my folks was a good idea from the point of view of my fibromyalgia. This week has been tough doing it all on my own again.

I have sent emails to the new school Jack will be starting at for term 4, after the spring break, and had a meeting this afternoon with his current teacher, organising some work for him to do while we are on the road, so he doesn’t miss too much. Tomorrow I am off to my doctor, it may be the last visit before we leave, I am not sure, I will have to see how it all goes.

I’m feeling a few different emotions this week, mainly because I have had a lot of time to myself, I have a huge sense of relief, for a few reasons. Relief that I am going to be living so far away from my abuser that the likelihood of running into her when down the street is zero. Relief that we now have certainty with where we are going, a house to move to. I even know my new address !! I am also anxious about what the next few weeks will hold for us before we move, and then about getting all set up in the new place. And lastly, I am feeling edgy, I want to go now ! Waiting for the next 3 weeks to go by is killing me !!!

Weirdly enough, I don’t feel sad. With everything that has happened here, it is time to go. I will not miss this place. I certainly won’t miss the horrible weather or the ignorant, misinformed people of this area.

New beginnings. New Beginnings. It’s exciting.

Stress is my biggest enemy

I do everything to avoid stress, I hate it, I don’t like it, but most of all, I despise what it does to me. The past couple of months have been VERY stressful, parents marriage breakdown, my father prior to that being such a nasty person to me and everyone, and then after a brief lull in that behaviour, a recent ramping by him again, the drawn out sale of the house, dealing with government agencies on a few matters, just all too much.

I don’t like conflict either, ever since living my abusive ex 6 years ago, I have hated it anytime anyone decides to have a yelling match. It’s another thing I avoid at all costs. I just can’t deal with it. It brings back too many bad memories.

The toll of the recent stress and conflict has taken it’s toll on me. I try ever so hard not to let things get the better of me, it’s almost essential to try and keep some sort of lid on the effects it has on the fibromyalgia. I have been losing the battle for the past couple of weeks, so 2 mega flare ups, spurred on by the ever changing weather as well, pain everywhere, fatigue, mind fog to the maximum, it’s just crazy. I even trimmed my hair today and there is definitely more grey in the past month. I am looking more “distinguished”, as my Aunt puts it.

The past couple of days have seen the good old indigestion make a comeback, I haven’t suffered indigestion like this for about 3 years. Once again, stress. I lost 8 kilograms in 3 days when this all started with Dads little tantrum on Jack’s birthday. I have got a little of it back, but even though I feel like I have been a bit of a pig recently, it’s not showing on the scales.

It’s funny with the whole fatigue thing. I have sleep aponea, but sleep every night with a CPAP machine, and my readings are very good, so that isn’t causing the fatigue. I have been sleeping like a log every night for the past 2 weeks since having the Tramadol to control the pain again, I mean, sleeping all night, no toilet wakes or even stirring, and I go to bed at 8pm and get up at 7am, 11 hours sleep !!! But the fatigue, it’s so damned crushing by the time lunchtime hits. I have had to have sleep in the afternoon most afternoons this week, although, all it does is rests my body, but I wake up like I am drunk and confused. It is not a nice sensation.

Anyhow, tonight I am up later, and going to watch a few silly youtube videos with Jack before we go to bed, it’s Saturday night, so why not let our hair down !!!

Andy.

Another day

Today is another day. It’s the one after yesterday and the one before tomorrow. Apart from that, I have been struggling for the past few days to remember what day of the week it is. I think I have had to remind myself about 5 or 6 times today that it is Wednesday.  It is Wednesday, right ??

Anyhow, my scatterbrainededness is the result of all the multitude of goings on over the past week. The stress of it all has done me in. Last night, I pretty much collapsed in bed, in fact, yesterday morning, which seems like an eternity ago, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I am glad I did, apart from the obvious reasons such as getting Jack to school and all that stuff, because I managed to get a few tasks done to my car that needed to be done before we make this several thousand kilometre trip to the new home in about 5 weeks time.

Over the course of the past 3 days, I have managed to completely polish the car, finish applying the stripes I started months ago, finished sprucing up the exterior, removed my L.E.D. light bar and bracket (I will put it back on when we get to the new place, but the car is only a small one and will be towing a trailer, so didn’t want to hinder air flow to the radiator on the trip), and generally managed to get a few things thsat needed to be done before the move done. I honestly don’t know how I have done what I have done, I have been feeling like I am getting a virus, then not, getting shaky, then not, and been battling enormous fatigue continually. The pain side of things has been alternating, but hasn’t been great either.

The next couple of days I don’t plan on doing much, I will try and knock over all of my online study units for this week tomorrow, but I plan to enter the next phase of packing my stuff on the weekend, after I get my new workshop trolley and toolbox. I hope, by the end of the weekend, that I will only have 1 item left to pack into the shipping container, and what is left will be packed in the car and trailer for the trip. i have to be this organised, because for all I know, I could end up being wiped out flat again for a week with a fibromyalgia flare up, so while I can, I do what I need to.

5 weeks is all we have left here now. Although the past few days have felt like they have dragged on, I know that these 5 weeks will pass by before we know it. Next week, my parents are going for a trip up to the new destination to look at houses, and hopefully buy one. Our number 1 pick is now under contract, but our number 2 is still available, and Dad organised with the real estate agent to look at it next week, so, hopefully, there are no issues with it, as it will more than likely, unless someone gets in before the end of next week, be our new home.

Mum has got 2 weeks off from work to go up there, and will basically work 1 week when she gets back, and then that will be the end of her days at the fast food shop here. I think she is excited and scared at the same time. The past few weeks she has found out that they will be ending the breakfast shift at the end of the year, and she really didn’t want to do any other shift times, so the sale of the house, and the move, has alleviated the need for her to have to negotiate new hours that don’t suit her as much.

Anyhow, I have to get myself into a shower and dressed for bed, Jack has just come out of the shower and is waiting for his pajamas to dry in the dryer, and I just heard it stop.

Goodnight.

Andy.

Grufflbungalug

You know that feeling that you get when you’ve just encountered a clusterf#ck of crap ? That’s where this title has emerged from. Yep, the past 2 days have been far from desirable.

So, here we are, cruising along, as far as the realestate agent is concerned, the house is sold, as far as he’s told us the buyer is a cash buyer, blah, blah, blah, and then when my folks went in to sign the contract……there’s a finance get out clause, which extends out to a ridiculous time meaning that if it stood, we would have 3 weeks to organise a new place to live, move out, get our stuff moved, and yeah, just crap. When they told the solicitor that that was not what they believed was what the deal was, he quickly removed the clause, but now, here we are, scratching our heads, not knowing if it was a stuff up by the solicitor or not. Anyhow, nobody has let us know if the contract is not signed, the real estate agent is silent, and we are stressing not knowing what we are meant to be doing. It’s absolutely crazy.

So now, we have 3 adults, including myself, losing sleep, stressed out to the max, because all OUR plans are on hold, until we know what these morons are doing. The past 4 weeks have been stressful enough, with constant viewings by people who don’t have the money, being strung out by the people who have decided to buy, and now this. In the meantime we have packed a whole heap of stuff, had a big garage sale today that was already advertised before this came up, and yeah…….just yeah. I am literally sitting here shaking my head as I still can’t believe this is happening.

Anyhow, needless to say, the two of in the house who suffer from fibromyalgia are now in a mess more than just stress, as the stress is setting off the fibromyalgia. If it is just a mistake by the solicitor, once the deal is done and finalised, I feel like giving him a piece of my mind for the unnecessary stress that has been created.

Anyhow, our garage sale was a success, I only had 1 item left out of my stuff, and most of the other stuff went too. Anyone want a cheap set of snow chains ???

I now have the funds to buy a new workshop trolley/tool chest next week, which will house all my tools. I have wanted one for ages, was scratching my head about how I was going to move my tools when we move, and what I would store them in when I got up the other end of the move, and so this seemed to be the most logical solution, all my tools will be packed in it, and then the whole thing is the storage and the box it will be moved in.

Another upside of the last few days, is the weather has been dry and warmish, unusually dry and warm for this time of the year, but I will take it, if it wasn’t for the stress, the weather would have been perfect for the fibromyalgia. Now the weather is rapidly deteriorating, and the fall in barometric pressure is very evident, every time we get a rapid rise or fall in the barometric pressure, it sets off a fibro flare. It’s supposed to be very wet, very cold and very windy for the next few days.

Tomorrow, I am going for a long drive up to the Grampians, just to get away from here for the day. I am sick and tired of being around moronic people in the community, and a marriage breakdown, I’ve already had a marriage breakdown of my own, I don’t really need to be in the middle of someone else’s, but seeing it’s my parents and we live with them, then I really can’t escape it.

I am looking forward to getting up there tomorrow, Jack and I haven’t been up there for ages, and Mum might come too, she is still deciding. It’s slated to actually snow up there tomorrow, so it might be nice to get some last snaps of the snow before we move to the tropics.

Must go, I am exhausted (Jack and I got up at 6am to see the Blood Moon this morning, now that was a sight !!), and need to just wind down, have dinner and a shower, and go to bed.

Andy.

Wow, that was heavy !!

As you can tell from the last post, this blog isn’t just about me droning on about my ill health and struggling through every day. I have been writing blogs for a few years now, initially it was mainly to use as therapy, and it still is, I started my first blog, which is now de-activated, back in late 2013, about 5 months after I became a single parent. I still have all the content from that blog, and perhaps I will revisit it in the future. I may even share the odd tidbit here and there.

Today, I have been a little shitty. I didn’t start the day that way, in fact I had almost 9 and a half hours of continuous sleep, which is something that hasn’t happened for a long time, and rarely happens. I got up, the day was bleak outside, which probably didn’t set the right tone, but I got going, did all the usual stuff to get Jack ready for school, got off to school after putting my first load of washing on, and then got home, everything still pretty fine and dandy. However, come 9.30am, I realised that  I hadn’t taken any of my morning medications, oh well, not too late, took them, and then that was that.

At 10am, a call came through that the contract for the sale of the house was ready to be signed on Friday. Then, I had to go to town, I perused the secondhand shops and got some groceries, had lunch at the place my mum works, found out the building inspector was doing his inspection for the buyer this afternoon. After a totally piggish lunch, which consisted of Pepsi, fries and a burger that was delicious but way unhealthy, followed up with a mint choc thickshake (I was emotional eating, shit happens), I went to the appointment that had been the total reason I was in town. By this stage, I was feeling very tired.

So, after the appointment, I headed back home, passing Dad halfway home, he was heading into town. He flashed his lights for me to stop, so I pulled up and turned around and we spoke, it was about the building inspector coming, then I headed home, where I felt like collapsing on bed, but I had to pick up Jack still, and then I couldn’t sleep even after that, because some stranger was going to be wandering the house checking it all out and making sure it was okay. So, after picking up jack, we came home, Mum and Dad were back, Dad was being his usual piggish self, and I had enough. I was tired, I am still recovering from the ordeal of the five days of hell, and I just couldn’t deal with someone being nasty just for the sake of it. I had a few verbal swipes at him, something that I am not proud of, but have done so well not to under extreme pressure for weeks, and then just about everything was getting to me after that.

The inspector came, Dad did everything we had agreed NOT to do, but fortunately it didn’t affect the outcome, the bloke said everything is fine (as you would expect from a house that isn’t quite 8 years old), and would report to the buyer that he couldn’t see any problems. When I mentioned the things we weren’t going to do, one of them was that Dad wasn’t going to bore the poor bugger with his life story, I hate it when he does it, you can see the poor person squirming to try and get away, but there is nothing you can do until Dad is ready to stop. He is hopeless at reading body language. Well, the poor bloke got the life story, and Dad was oblivious to the fact that it was past dinner time and he’d agreed to make dinner. I gave up waiting and started cooking the vegetables, although my hands are so bad right now that peeling potatoes is like shoving my hands into a meat grinder. You can’t have dinner at 7pm when your school aged child needs to be in bed at 7pm.

You can guess, that now having had to start dinner off as well as being tired, sore and shitty already, I was just over everything. Up until I had my shower about 20 minutes ago, I was what Jack would call Grumpy Daddy, sort of like Grumpy Cat, just not so cute.

Anyhow, I better get myself off to bed, I was meant to be in bed an hour ago, but that’s life. I am still alive, somehow mostly keeping it together, and doing it a little easier than I was last week. It’s great being able function enough to actually do the simple things like eat, go to the toilet and the basics of looking after my son again.

Andy.