In Limbo and Still in Shock.

Tomorrow, well the end of tomorrow, was the day we were supposed to be arriving at our new house. By now, we should have been on the road for the past 4 days. Every time I write, or talk to anyone, about this, I find myself slipping into a bewildered mindset. You know it’s happened, but still can’t believe it. You can’t believe there are people, evidently, in this world, who could be such huge pieces of shit, but you still, somehow, want to believe that there are still nice people out there.

I think I am at a point where I am the most confused I have ever been in my entire life. Funnily, I have learnt well how to deal with depression, and I am determined not to let that get the better of me. This feeling is not depression, it is just a pure lost and alone feeling. I am not depressed about feeling lost and alone. The lost and alone feeling is manifesting itself in confusion.

Right now, I am home alone, with Mum and Dad out trying to deal with one of the multitude of repercussions this situation has had. I had to do a lot last week, some things were immediately necessary, and on Friday I managed to have my head in an adequate place to deal with the last of the urgent things. I had changed my address with the college I have been studying through, and as I have just successfully completed that study, I was to be receiving my Qualifications in the mail. Well, now not knowing how long we are going to be here for still, I have had to change the address AGAIN, to my brother’s address, as he won’t be moving for a while. I also had to contact the ‘new’ school to let them know, as I had an appointment with them for next Monday.

Jack has not been doing well either. He wouldn’t admit it, but I can tell. He was eating like a horse before this all went to shit on Monday afternoon last week, then since, he has been right off his food. He even threw up after dinner a couple of days ago. The constant piggish behaviour of my father doesn’t help. He is acting like this is only happening to him, that none of us are affected by it, and he is continually being¬† rude and insulting pig to everyone. Even to the point, that he was starting to annoy our new legal counsel the other day. I wasn’t happy that I found myself suddenly thrust into the middle of my parents marriage breakdown on Jack’s birthday, I’ve already gone through this shit myself, but now, I find myself living with someone who is acting even worse than my ex.

So then, I also find myself in a situation where I don’t feel like I have a face to face person to talk to about all of this. Writing this blog helps a lot, but it’s only part of it. My Aunt and Brother both say the “if you need someone to talk to” bit, but then when you do, because they have no idea or experience of this sort of thing, they really don’t have a clue, and the suggestions they make prove it. You sort of get sick of idiotic, or what you view as idiotic, suggestions. I think if you want to offer advice to someone, you need to either know what you are talking about, or realistically put yourself in their shoes and be honest with yourself on how you would handle it before you even begin to just spout some inane, cliched advice.

“Of course I could do that if I had bucketloads of money, BUT I DON’T, and you know it, so why suggest it ????”.

“Of course I could do that, IF I WAS MADE OF STONE, but I am not a cold heartless bastard !!”

You get my drift here, don’t you ??

And don’t get me started on psychologists, because every single one of them I have dealt with have been crazier, and in more need of institutional help, than I. I guess they might help weak minded, easily manipulated people, but when you can see through their bullshit, and when you’ve tried their advice and it has failed spectacularly and only made the situation far worse than it was, you don’t have much faith left in them.

Anyhow, the next lot of crap I have to deal with in the fallout of this crazy episode in my life has landed on my lap as I have been typing, an email has arrived for one matter, and a text message has just arrived on another. I better deal with it.

Until next time…….

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Making an arse of yourself because of the effect other people have on you.

I while back, in another blog I wrote, I wrote about how I have difficulty these days with other people, I have social anxiety. Now, I never used to have it, it is something that has developed from 14 years of abuse (but I will point out that I am finally able to admit that it was abuse for much longer), I used to be one of the most sociable people out there, you might have even called me a social butterfly. But now, anywhere where there are more than a couple of people it’s all over red rover for me. It’s not that I don’t like people, I like people, but when you have been denigrated by someone who is supposed to be a loved one (in my case 2), for such a long time, you become distrusting of people, and scared of them.

Now, although that last bit isn’t quite where I thought this would start, it is relevant in a way. I have been encountering an excessive number of incompetent and down right rude people over the past few days, as well as having to deal with the pig of a human that is my father, and the stress of it all, partly because they have deliberately caused stress for no good reason, partly because I just get stressed with people now, I ended up making a complete arse of myself with Jack this morning. All the stress has been coming to a climax for a few days, I have been grumpy, I’ll admit it, but this morning I yelled at Jack for something he shouldn’t do, but my reaction was WAAAAYYYY over the top. I brought him to the verge of tears. I hate seeing him cry. It rips me apart. I love the little fella so much that all I want is for him to be happy, and not have an arsehole father like I have. I think one thing that makes my father worse with me these days is he see’s the great relationship I have with my son, and he has never had anything remotely like it with his own. He’s gone way past the point of no return on that one with me, and I suspect with my brother also.

So, as I drove out of the driveway to take Jack to school, I was just about in tears myself. I apologised, and told him why I was so stressed, and that he didn’t deserve that from me. When I dropped him off at school, he cuddled me for a few extra moments than normal, he could see the tears in my eyes, and he said that he knew I was having trouble, and that he loves me. It had the dual effect of making me feel better, and making me blub all the way home.

I very rarely explode like that at him. Every time I feel like shit after. I think if I was going to do comparisons between me and my father, in Jack’s 8 years, I have exploded at him less times in that whole 8 years,¬† than my dad would have in just one week when I was a kid. Now, you could think that was because I was a naughty kid, you’d be wrong, I never got into trouble at school, in fact every single one of my teachers thought I was an example of what they wished every student they had was. I’m not blowing my own trumpet there, it’s the truth. I was even second to the Dux at school, so you don’t achieve that highly at school if you are a problem child.

Anyhow, here I am, sitting here this afternoon, in a foggy daze of fatigue, and regret for this morning, wanting to sleep but finding it impossible to do so, and now it’s reaching the point where I can’t until after Jack finishes school as well.

We are still getting stuffed around by the person who is apparently going to buy the house, they still haven’t signed the contract, this time it’s another excuse about someone being in hospital. The offer that was accepted, well below asking price mind you, was made and accepted nearly 3 weeks ago now, and even though the contract is signed by my parents, there is excuse after excuse why they haven’t yet. Our lives are in limbo until they get on with it, because without a signed contract, we don’t definitively have it sold and can’t make arrangements for our new place.

I might just stop for now, I am twisting myself up in knots again as this stuff is all so stressful, and I just want it to end. Good news is though, that my home made trailer is now registered.

Andy.

 

Grufflbungalug

You know that feeling that you get when you’ve just encountered a clusterf#ck of crap ? That’s where this title has emerged from. Yep, the past 2 days have been far from desirable.

So, here we are, cruising along, as far as the realestate agent is concerned, the house is sold, as far as he’s told us the buyer is a cash buyer, blah, blah, blah, and then when my folks went in to sign the contract……there’s a finance get out clause, which extends out to a ridiculous time meaning that if it stood, we would have 3 weeks to organise a new place to live, move out, get our stuff moved, and yeah, just crap. When they told the solicitor that that was not what they believed was what the deal was, he quickly removed the clause, but now, here we are, scratching our heads, not knowing if it was a stuff up by the solicitor or not. Anyhow, nobody has let us know if the contract is not signed, the real estate agent is silent, and we are stressing not knowing what we are meant to be doing. It’s absolutely crazy.

So now, we have 3 adults, including myself, losing sleep, stressed out to the max, because all OUR plans are on hold, until we know what these morons are doing. The past 4 weeks have been stressful enough, with constant viewings by people who don’t have the money, being strung out by the people who have decided to buy, and now this. In the meantime we have packed a whole heap of stuff, had a big garage sale today that was already advertised before this came up, and yeah…….just yeah. I am literally sitting here shaking my head as I still can’t believe this is happening.

Anyhow, needless to say, the two of in the house who suffer from fibromyalgia are now in a mess more than just stress, as the stress is setting off the fibromyalgia. If it is just a mistake by the solicitor, once the deal is done and finalised, I feel like giving him a piece of my mind for the unnecessary stress that has been created.

Anyhow, our garage sale was a success, I only had 1 item left out of my stuff, and most of the other stuff went too. Anyone want a cheap set of snow chains ???

I now have the funds to buy a new workshop trolley/tool chest next week, which will house all my tools. I have wanted one for ages, was scratching my head about how I was going to move my tools when we move, and what I would store them in when I got up the other end of the move, and so this seemed to be the most logical solution, all my tools will be packed in it, and then the whole thing is the storage and the box it will be moved in.

Another upside of the last few days, is the weather has been dry and warmish, unusually dry and warm for this time of the year, but I will take it, if it wasn’t for the stress, the weather would have been perfect for the fibromyalgia. Now the weather is rapidly deteriorating, and the fall in barometric pressure is very evident, every time we get a rapid rise or fall in the barometric pressure, it sets off a fibro flare. It’s supposed to be very wet, very cold and very windy for the next few days.

Tomorrow, I am going for a long drive up to the Grampians, just to get away from here for the day. I am sick and tired of being around moronic people in the community, and a marriage breakdown, I’ve already had a marriage breakdown of my own, I don’t really need to be in the middle of someone else’s, but seeing it’s my parents and we live with them, then I really can’t escape it.

I am looking forward to getting up there tomorrow, Jack and I haven’t been up there for ages, and Mum might come too, she is still deciding. It’s slated to actually snow up there tomorrow, so it might be nice to get some last snaps of the snow before we move to the tropics.

Must go, I am exhausted (Jack and I got up at 6am to see the Blood Moon this morning, now that was a sight !!), and need to just wind down, have dinner and a shower, and go to bed.

Andy.

Far from perfect, but not boring

Well, that’s life, never perfect, but I will tell you, it never seems boring around here lately.

We’ve had 2 potential buyers for the property have a look this week, both have been very keen, and today’s apparently has the money, according to the real estate agent. It’s been a busy week, I have felt like crap for well over a week, and just when I thought I’d get a chance for a rest, we get a phone call for the first looker on Monday morning. 15 minutes later, the real estate agent calls for another, so 2 in a week, no rest, and lot’s and lot’s of cleaning and trying to keep it that way. Fingers, toes, and everything crossed, one of these 2 buy and let us know before the week is out.

We are halfway through winter, 6 weeks too long for us. We are going to be moving to a much warmer climate when the house sells, we even have the house chosen, but can’t buy it until this one is sold. We would be only 200 metres from a school, which is better than 5 kilometres, which is basically what it is right now.

The school holidays haven’t been so much fun for Jack this week, given we’ve been cleaning, and he hasn’t been able to do anything which would make a mess, which for a kid, is anything they want to do. He’s been really good, and this afternoon he has played with his Lego for the first time in about 4 days. I think he was quite happy to finally get a toy out and play.

The weather has been appalling, wet, freezing cold, and windy, I spent a bit of time outside in it over the weekend, as we moved some stuff we have had in storage in town, 20km away, up to the property, as we now own a 20ft shipping container, the vessel that will take all our worldly possessions to the new place. I am starting to feel the effects of having spent too much time out in the weather, I have a slight sore throat, and this afternoon, the fatigue came over even more strongly than normal. I hope I am wrong, but I think I may be facing my first cold for the year. When it’s all said and done though, last year I reckon I had had a cold or flu about 3 times by the same time in the year. The year before, we were sick again as soon as we got over the previous one.

Today, after getting the house ready for the inspection, we headed down to town while the people had a look at the place, had lunch at Subway, did a little shopping, and then came home and have done not much else since. Dad managed to sell the overly big leather lounge today, so we assembled the 2 armchairs that we got to replace it with, there was no point putting them together until the couch was gone, as there would have been no room. Now the lounge room looks huge. At least now, as much as I love cuddling my son, I won’t have a small person draped all over me every time I want to sit down and relax. One of the things about fibromyalgia, which is a curse, is sometimes even just someone touching you leaves you in agony.

I am very much hoping that one of these 2 people buy the place, and soon, because another effect that sensitive to the touch stuff does is that it makes wearing long trousers painful, which is a tad inconvenient when it is freezing cold and you can’t not wear long trousers. Bring on a warm climate where shorts are all that you need to wear.

I am under no illusions that there won’t be an adjustment period when we finally move back to warmer climes. I lived most of my life in the tropics before coming to live in this freezing hell hole, but after 8 years living in the cold, I am sure the first summer up north will be a shock to the system.

Anyhow, time for me to go, I must sleep, and everyone else, apart from Jack, is asleep now, so I guess we better get there too. Goodnight.

Andy