Emotional.

Too much has happened in the last 8 months. Too much. I am at the point where everything is too much. I need a break, but even that would be too much. The stupid illness is wearing me down, more than before. Although I haven’t reached the really bad, almost writhing in pain pain, it’s been so heightened recently that it has left me destroyed. I find myself on the verge of tears, especially when I start to think is it going to end. Am I going to get a break from this soon? I am trapped by my own body. I am being held to ransom by it. It is just so ……I don’t know, I don’t know.

I FEEL SO ALONE.

Today we were up early, for the little jaunt to the markets, it was nice, but to be honest, although we had a successful day, by the time we got home at lunchtime, I had fallen into despair. A not real taxing drive, and a little wander around an old WW2  Aircraft hangar where the markets were held had done me in.

I know that Mum notices that I am not coping well. I am so wiped out, and my enthusiasm is waning. I just want to have a decent sleep, have no pain, and feel good, even if just for a couple of days. I feel lost, I feel lonely.

It’s not depression I feel. I am prone to it, I know it, it is an awful companion in my life at times. This is just sort of like a Groundhog Day. Same shit, different day. It’s almost a desperation for it to just change. Right now, if I were to win the lottery, it would still be the same. Sure, right now I sit here writing with tears streaming down my face and I feel sorry for myself. I am allowed to.  It would be so nice if some lovely lady walked into my life, hugged me tight, and told me everything will be alright.

Anyhow, I can’t write anymore right now, I am going to retire to my cold bed, and not sleep properly again. I know.

Andy.

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Another moment when being single gets the better of me.

I can’t believe I have been single for nearly 6 years now. Ever since I left the psychopath that destroyed me, I have gone through moments where it has got to me, that I am single, but I guess, I don’t want to be burnt twice.

It’s so hard, being in a situation where you’d love to have a relationship again, but being scared shitless of having the same thing happen all over again. Psychopaths reel you in, they are all nice and lovely to start with, so you just don’t know at the beginning.

I feel really lonely at times. It’s not so bad now that I live with my Mum, at least I have adult conversation, instead of trying to have in depth conversations with an 8 year old. But, I do miss having a partner, you know, all that nice stuff that comes with that.

I haven’t had a single romantic relationship since 6 years ago. I have done the online dating thing, and don’t get past the profiles, and then if I do get someone send me a message, I become suspicious quickly, and then just go my own way. All the weirdos don’t care if you are a single dad, but the nice ones (which is a matter of perspective I guess, considering what I am about to say), don’t want to go near you if you are a single dad.

I don’t get that. Why wouldn’t a woman want a man who is great with children, to the point that he has been doing it 24/7 for 6 years all on his own, can cook, clean, do the washing, and doesn’t worry about having to do it all on his own?

Maybe I don’t have enough tattoos. I don’t have any in fact. Maybe I aren’t ripped enough (ladies, if he is totally ripped, he only loves one person, and that ain’t anyone but himself). I’m a nice guy, maybe I need to be an arsehole? It seems that is what gets a nice woman every time. No, my mother brought me up well, and I guess having grown up with a father who was an arsehole made me not want to emulate him.

This always gets me around this time of the year. It must be the Christmas, but most likely the New Years thing, you know, where couples are meant to have a big pash at midnight. I don’t know. Maybe the love of my life is just around the next bend, who knows?

Andy.