Flubbeddydoo

What to call a post when you don’t know what to call it? I guess it will do.

I just wanted to start by saying that I apologise for not having posted much recently, I have just been very busy and preoccupied with too many things, life has just been a roller-coaster. Taking Jack to birthday parties, running Mum to various different things, trying to get the car prepped for a roadworthy to change the registration from another state, helping Dad build a fence across the side to secure the backyard, and throw in the Cairns Show, Cairns Gem Festival, Jack’s art classes, trying to get my art studio organised and built, and then on top of all of that, untreated fibromyalgia, it’s just been hectic, tiring and crazy.

Good news is, Mum has been seeing a new doctor (third time lucky) and yes, it seems we may have found the doctor we have been looking for, someone who is willing to help us with our fibromyalgia, and has an understanding of it. So, on Wednesday, I am off to see her as well.

I have gone months and months with no treatment, and hell doesn’t even describe it, so hopefully, I may finally get back onto the meds I need. The new doctor has not had a problem prescribing the only effective medication for Mum, so hopefully she will be the same with me.

The other thing that has been happening with me, inexplicably, is I am not hungry much recently, although it’s not making much difference to my weight, but for example, my first food today was tonight’s dinner. I didn’t even realise that I hadn’t eaten all day until I sat down for dinner. I knew I had bypassed lunch, I was engrossed in a job I was doing, and Mum asked me if I was going to have lunch, which I said I wasn’t hungry, but realising I hadn’t even had breakfast, because I was so busy getting Jack ready and then launched into my project for the day, was quite a shock.

Anyhow, I am going to leave this here for now, I am totally worn out, and, during doing a spring clean of my room, I happened to find 1 fast acting Tramadol tablet in my travel case, which I had no idea was in there, so I have taken it, and now the pain of the fibromyalgia is dropping to the lowest it has been most of this year, it may be a good time to get some sleep, because that hasn’t been very good recently again either.

Andy.

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School Holidays are here again….

We have just completed the 3rd day of the school holidays. Between the usual duties of doing the washing, and garden maintenance, Jack and I have been playing with the mountain of Lego I got him for his birthday. We are discovering just how many sets are there, there are sets that go back to 1978 that we have made so far !!! We now have a fleet of different trucks (newer style sets, so time consuming and huge), and a Firestation, (a huge one again), plus a 1979 Holiday home, and a few other buildings as well. And we haven’t even made a 1/3rd of it yet.

Today I took all the wheels off the car, put it on stands, and checked all the undercarriage out, getting ready for it’s roadworthy inspection, making sure everything is fine. I also pressure washed the underside as well, so now it all looks like a brand new car underneath. There are no leaks at all, this car has never leaked but wanted to make sure, and the brakes are all fine as well, with plenty left on the brake pads. It was a huge task, and I am paying physically for it now, but at least I now know that apart from a windscreen replacement, it is all okay and should pass the roadworthy inspection with ease.

After all of that, Jack and I went for an explore around the place, as Sugarcane harvesting has commenced, and seeing this is the first season we have lived here, I wanted Jack to see what happens. We found a place where a harvester was working, and watched for ages, as it went backwards and forwards across the fields. Jack was amazed, and there were a whole heap of white egrets following the harvester, obviously picking off all the harvester disturbed bugs. After that, we went on the hunt for some Cane Trains, and saw several, a couple were smaller ones, and then we spotted a huge locomotive carting a substantial load, more than 1 km long, to the sugar mill.

It’s all rather exciting, and when you go into town, the smell of the freshly crushed cane, and the smell of the subsequent juice being refined down to sugar, is sweet, literally !!!

Anyhow, time for bed, and hopefully sleep.

Andy.

 

Trying to get in the right place, where ever that is…

I have been struggling very badly the past few weeks, and it just doesn’t seem to be improving just yet. Nights of sleeplessness, pain that has been unbelievable, and all sorts of other fun stuff going on, and the complete despair of knowing that I will have to go to the doctor sooner rather than later, but expecting the exact same treatment, or lack of. I haven’t felt this lost for a while.

Every day I just tick the day off best I can. Distraction from just how bad I feel is starting to not work, although I try every day. I mow the lawn. I painted the shed today. I helped dad lop back a big willow that was hanging over the new shed and carport a couple of days ago, which was a big mistake for my well-being, on both a physical and mental/emotional level.

I am a wreck. I’ve started to get some sores from the stress on my body, particularly on my face. It’s the whole, messy package.

I just don’t know how I am actually even achieving a thing at all.

I am still managing, according to Jack, to be a great dad. I don’t know. I am still a better dad than my own in this state, but I feel as though I am not the dad I expect myself to be.

My tolerance of my father is very low right now. His nasty, smart arse, know-it-all (but knows nothing) unfunny behaviour just grinds me. I have given up on pleasantries, well, I keep the peace more or less, but his nastiness towards pretty much anyone, and then his acting as though he’s done nothing wrong, just makes me really fucking angry.

Just a little insight into what we are talking about here. Sexist and racist jokes. He doesn’t see them that way. He doesn’t believe he is a misogynist or a racist, but apparently jokes about dumb blonde women are funny, and blackface is okay.

He always expected someone else to do his housework, in the beginning it was his mum (who didn’t help, as she did everything for him and turned him into what he is), and then his wife. Only in the past few years has he actually ever done anything at home, and it was like he needed a gold badge every time he did anything. “I vacuumed today, I need a gold sticker”. “I cooked 1 meal this week, I need a gold badge.” “I turned the washing machine on today, that’s doing the washing”. Right now, his little granny flat reeks. It is such an horrendous smell, just like his room when in the old house, perhaps, actually, worse. He even came up near me today, and I doubt he’s had a wash for a few days.

If anyone actually stands up for themselves after or during an onslaught of abuse from him, they are picking on him. I mean, we are talking about a person who displays every attribute of a classic abuser. Is the perpetrator then cries victim.

Things unravel. It’s funny, I have heard a line from him, that he attributes to his grandfather, time and time again, and even just last week, “if you tell a lie, you have to have a good memory”. Well, his lies unravel at such a rate, it’s almost amusing now, especially when he quotes his grandfathers line.

When I changed my bank to a new one, from the old, “the family has always banked with such and such bank”, he gave me a huge amount of grief. Funnily, a bank statement arrived yesterday, for him, from the bank I changed to.

Apart from laying bare the hypocrisy, it uncovered another lie. He blamed a disagreement with Jack on Jack’s birthday last year, and chucked a huge tantrum, telling the whole family he was leaving and that we were all basically arseholes (on his grandsons birthday, and no apology has EVER been forthcoming for that), but now we have discovered, with the exposing of several things, that he was planning it for months, but he still sticks to the crap of this disagreement as being the catalyst for him splitting up with Mum.

His bank statement (which, now being from the same bank as mine) only comes every six months, that every six months starting from when the account was first opened. So, in January last year, he opened that account, the plan was already in motion. 5 months prior to his blaming Jack. He actually said on the infamous night, that he already had his own bank account. So yep, nothing at all to do with Jack at all. He really is a low bastard. His memory obviously sucks, because he exposes his own lies, and he doesn’t even realise it.

I guess that my little vent of the spleen is because the other thing is that he has a total disregard for any other persons feelings, or how they are in any way. I ended up helping him cut back that willow, just to keep the peace. I was, and have been incredibly unwell for over a month now, but he just doesn’t care. But, if he has a touch of hayfever, we all need to care. Well, I don’t like anyone being unwell, but his total disregard for anyone else has brought me to a point where I just about have found the second person in my life now that I have no care about at all now. The first being my second abuser (my father, I now realise was the first, and the reason why I thought  it was normal and accepted the second one for so long). I know he is my father, but all the shit I have gone through because of him over the years, I have paid my dues to him, and owe him nothing. I only do anything for him now for the sake of my mother.

Well, I still don’t know up from down, I am still a mess, still really unwell, and, well, lost. I don’t know what the future holds for me, and right now, it all sounds to painful and exhausting.

Andy.

 

Quagmire

I am still in the quagmire. Well, probably deeper in it to be honest. I am getting to be in such a bad way that I feel an Emergency Department visit will be on the cards, maybe then I will finally get the medical care I need for my fibromyalgia? I don’t understand why doctors are so caught up in the hysteria surrounding Opioid painkillers. I mean, for some patients, IT’S ALL THAT WORKS.

I have never taken them different to what has been prescribed, I am clearly not addicted (3 months without them and I am suffering like hell because of my medical condition, and never experienced a single withdrawal symptom, like I would have if I was addicted), and they are the only thing that gives me any semblance of a quality of life (it still sucks, but with slightly less pain). I thought doctors took a pledge to do no harm and to improve a patients quality of life, not diminish it? Well, medical profession, you are failing miserably.

I have had all the usual signs of an impending flare up, and to be honest, it felt like a flare up already, so if the worst is yet to come, I am scared. I am on the verge of not coping. The pain is getting to the point where my thought processes are not real great, and thinking about anything more complex than what I have to do to get through the day and survive it is like trying to do theoretical physics without any background knowledge.

I don’t know what I am going to do.

Andy.

Lots of birthday’s, and very tiring days

We have come to the end of our birthday blitz, with my brothers birthday on Tuesday, and him going back home, and back to the depths of winter, after a small break for him in lovely warm north Queensland.

On Sunday it was Jack’s birthday, and I did, only for the second time, the crazy thing of a birthday party. It went well……., but a few truths about things were also unearthed, we discovered our thief, the one who broke into the cars and stole a few things off the verandah, is the brother of one of the boys who came, this brother was trying to case the joint while he picked up his brother. My superhero senses noticed it straight away.

Anyhow, 2 of the boys I have decided are bad news, and have told Jack to steer clear of them from now on. I also discovered talking to his teacher the next day back at school that he has been led astray by these boys, so between me and Jack’s teacher, we are implementing Plan A, divide and conquer, Jack is a good kid, and smart, but he is very easily led.  Last night I gave Jack the drum, and today he implemented a few tactics to get some better friends. He had 3 boys over on Sunday, and the third boy was awesome, very polite, and smart. I also found out the following day that the nice boy, lost his mother a couple of years ago, so Jack has more in common than he realises.

My birthday was last Thursday, a week ago. I have officially turned the age of the meaning of life, the universe….everything………….42. Hahahahahaha!!! Yes, I am a Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy fan, well, sci-fi in general is my thing. Jack got me a golden elephant statuette, and 2 T-shirts, one with Iron Man, and one with the DeLorean from Back to the Future. They go well with my 2 Star Wars T-Shirts and my Doctor Who one !!! I also got some gift cards, so have bought myself a brand new cotton doona cover, a new body pillow, a small usb radio for when I am working outside in the garden and my nearly ready art studio, aaannnddd, I can’t remember what else right now, but I still have dollars left on the gift cards, so it’s not finished yet.

Jack got a huge amount of Lego from me, from my big score the other week, $1000’s of Lego for $80. He got some gift cards as well from Mum and Dad, and he combined them, and was able to buy a Lego Train Set, as well as a couple of smaller kits, and he will be buying a Lego Thanos Minifig as well. My brother also got him a larger set of the Marvel Spiderman Lego, with Spiderman and Venom and a couple of their battle machines.

Yesterday, we said goodbye to my brother, taking him up to the airport in the morning, and for most of the rest of the day, we collapsed in a heap. When you have a visitor, combined with back to back birthdays, you go out a lot. It is exhausting when you are fit and well, it’s something much worse when you have a debilitating health condition. So yeah, I am a bit run down right now.

I decided I needed to have the therapy of gardening today, so after I took Jack to school, I went out, weeded all the vege gardens, planted the next lot of tomato, capsicum and bean seeds (so we have continuity of production), got some other gardening done, and then set my attention on trying to finally get my art studio set up.

Dad still has a bit of stuff in the shed, but I got the shelving all in the right place, vacuumed out the dirt and rubbish all over the place, and reorganised the shelves with all my bits and pieces. I also had to seal up a wall joint, as once I moved one of the shelves, I discovered daylight coming down one corner. I used silcone, then ran sealing tape over it as well to make sure. There is also a little bit of sealing work to be done across the bottom as well, so I will need to get a couple more tubes of silicone tomorrow to get that all sorted. I have a fair bit of the framing timber to build the framework for the lining of the shed, so once I have a bit more energy, I will have to get some lining boards too.

Anyhow, I must get off to bed, it will be the earliest for a week, but I really need it.

Goodnight.

Andy.

Meltdown

Today I had a freaking huge meltdown. I am one of those people that doesn’t go off much, I am the calm and collected one, but when I go off, I go off. It’s a family trait, my Mum and Brother are the same.

For weeks my mother has been in this mire of self pity, she also has fibromyalgia, but instead of accepting it and getting on with life as best as possible, she has immersed herself in the internet, the tv, food, and just self pity. She’s put on weight, I did also, I was in a bit of a funk as well, mainly because she has been and it tends to drag those around you in as well. I snapped myself out of it after a week, but she had got to the stage where the internet and TV was more important than putting the empty milk container, or tuna tin, into the recycling bin after she’d emptied it, which was like 12 inches below, under the bench.

Jack has also been not listening and doing the basics of the things I expect, I don’t expect much, but it’s not hard to put toys away after you use them, or put the washing IN the basket, not right beside it on the floor. Now we have a new family member, a younger dog, in the house, leaving shit everywhere is just asking for disaster. He’s also been just, pardon the bad language,  fucking plain rude to me, and I destroy myself making sure he has as good a childhood as I can manage, which, is much better than most able bodied fathers do with their own children.

There is a bunch of other things that have accumulated, like Mum saying she won’t put up with Dad’s shit anymore, but not really making it clear to him. He is a petulant child all on his own, and he is just so full of shit, and his own self importance. He probably won’t ever stop being a shit, but letting him think it is okay, is just becoming an enabler to his crap behaviour.

Yeah, yeah, I’m venting. I let fly this afternoon, at Mum and Jack, I told Mum outright that I was sick of her wallowing in self pity, that leaving rubbish within inches of the bin was just fucking bullshit, and that I am in agony ALL THE TIME, and am severely fatigued ALL THE TIME (she isn’t even remotely as bad with fibro as I am yet, she even admits it), but I still get off my arse and do shit, even when physically I feel destroyed.

In the time she’s been in the wallow, I’ve painted the side fence, installed solar security lights, still stuck to my laundry schedule (she’s run out of clothes a few times, as she has just not bothered to keep to her schedule, and she only has to wash her own clothes and bedding, I do 2 peoples stuff, and the extra kitchen and bathroom washing), done the lawn mowing several times (Dad just doesn’t bother, he sits arguing with strangers on Twitter all the time, another example of his shitheadedness), I get Jack to and from school every day, make meals, take mum out shopping when she wants (she doesn’t drive), I am just a fucking slave, and it is just too much. I really just feel that nobody realises I am actually a human being, I’m just the car driver, the home help, whatever. I am at the point that I don’t even think a holiday would help me not feel this way.

When I made dinner tonight, just after I exploded, Mum actually got up and started doing some stuff. Jack did too. After dinner, Jack made sure he put his dishes in the sink, and mum got straight up and washed them. It’s nice, but really, should it take you losing your fucking bananas to get others to help out ?

We all live here, shit, shouldn’t we all do our bit? I’ve even had some thank you’s from Jack, but, I told him that right now, all I can see that is is that I lost my shit and it’s not genuine, just I guilted him into it, and that for me to believe it, it needs to continue. I am sort of over window dressing, it needs to be genuine, and I need to not be a fucking slave.

Being as ridiculously unwell as I have been recently, doesn’t help. Fibromyalgia unwell, everything else is fine, since I have been getting flu shots and taking probiotics, the respiratory illnesses have become a thing of the past. This week, I have had to sleep from when I brought Jack home from school, until dinner was ready, 3 times. I have also felt like my head was going to explode, it’s not pain, just pressure. Body pain has been ridiculous, and as much sleep as I get just doesn’t do much at all.

Well, I am going to stew a bit more, try and sleep, and see you all later.

Andy.

 

Plugging away at keeping going.

It’s been a while since I last wrote, and I thought I better get back on the wagon, so to speak. I am also sleepless tonight, as I had all the signs of a flare up of the fibromyalgia earlier in the day, and then by 6pm, it was coming on strong. It used to be that I would get about 24 hours warning, now it seems to be about 6. My signal, that a flare up is imminent, is the delightful IBS.

Anyhow, I am always of the mind to keep my mind off of it. When I woke this morning, so exhausted that I seriously thought that after dropping Jack to school I would go back to bed, I instead came home, and levelled off the next bit of ground out the front, and planted the second Strelitzia we bought a few weeks back. I have a few plants to get in, 2 Heliconia’s, 2 Canna’s, a Lemon Grass plant, and half a dozen other things, that are supposed to control cats, ie, keep them out of the yard, well deter them anyhow.

The Canna’s and Heliconia’s were on hold until the fence which they will be going against was painted, and hopefully, by tomorrow afternoon, the fence will be done, I have 1 coat to go on the palings, the rest of it, posts and rails, are finished. Then, a whole heap of basalt rocks need to be moved, and then the area levelled and cleaned up, then the babies can be planted. I even ended up painting the steps in front of the shed with paving paint.

I never tackle these tasks in one hit, it’s just too much for my fibromyalgia, so, it may sound like I did a lot, but in reality, it wasn’t that much, and was fairly spaced out, so basically, I would do 15 to 20 minutes, and then need to rest for a good hour or so before tackling it again. It really sucks having fibromyalgia.

I can’t believe that only a few years ago, I would do heavy work all day, no problem, and then work half the night doing the same thing as well. I used to fit tyres and vehicle accessories all day, some times having to lift 100kg vehicle assemblies on my own, quite often whilst lying on my back, while fitting them back onto vehicles. Now holding a bag of shopping for any longer than need be is a struggle.

Anyhow, short and sweet tonight, I have a little adventure to write about soon, last weekend we did a nice 500km+ round trip for the day, and it was really an awesome day, so I will share a bit of that with you next time.

Andy.