Nightmares

I really hate writing about negative crap, but the whole idea of this blog is to avoid paying some idiot hundreds of dollars to pretend to listen to me and and to pretend they give a shit. It does work writing about it, by the way, much better than anybody I’ve paid.

So here I find myself at 4am, after waking with a terrible nightmare at 3.15am, writing. I suffer from PTSD, although it raises it’s ugly head less and less these days, in fact, the last time I had anything much of consequence was a while ago now. I was surprised that through all the tumultuous life upending crap we went through last year with the sale of the last house, ( if you have only been following the blog for a short time, we have sold the previous house twice, the first time it all fell through 3 days before settlement, we were packed, ready to leave, and half an hour after we found out our furniture was due to be picked up by the removalists, and although the buyers had a binding contract, we are still fighting it out for compensation), I didn’t have any real PTSD stuff happen.

However, with the continued, and escalating arseholery of my father of recent weeks, I have had a beauty of a nightmare tonight. It’s like me, don’t do anything by half measure, do it properly. It started off with my father doing something very nasty, then lo-and-behold, guess who shows up? My ex. They joined forces. What a fucking lovely nightmare. 2 arseholes for the price of one. Double the nastiness.

Due to the renovations of the house, it’s become an open invitation for my father to walk in unannounced and uninvited any old time he wants. Not that we’ve invited him, HE’S seen it as an open invitation. He isn’t needed here for any of it, for the stuff we need tradesman for, they are on the case, they know more about what needs to be done than the know-it-all. And as for the other stuff, I do a far better job of it, and take a lot less time to do it, if he isn’t around. If he pokes his nose in, the job takes, conservatively, twice as long, and then there always ends up being the inevitable fuck up, because he insists on doing something a certain way that makes absolutely no sense, and has negative financial consequences. Because he is around, he is just giving us the opportunity to see just how big of an arsehole he really is.

Because we are no longer under the same roof, or even associating with him 24 hours a day, we are seeing just how bloody nasty he is. He can’t open his mouth without being a shithead. He’s what people call a troll on social media, and I see him do that too. I really don’t understand how someone can be such an arsehole. We do everything to make sure that we don’t argue with him, arguing with him is just pointless, it just gives him the opportunity to be even worse. I do think, however, another full tilt confrontation with him is on the cards, as it is all getting too much, and very obviously starting to have a negative impact on both my mothers, and my health again.

Anyhow, I doubt I will be going back to sleep again tonight, it’s rattled me, this nightmare, so much so that even now, 40 minutes after I started writing, it still is bothering me. May as well just swing into the day, at least if I need a sleep later, it’s not a school day today.

Andy.

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Chewy lollies are nice.

I am sitting here after a busy day yet again, chewing on a fruit flavoured soft chewy lolly, thinking I am in heaven. Why does a small square of essentially just sugar make me feel so happy ? It’s strawberry flavoured, if you must know.

Maybe, it’s giving me such enjoyment because this is the first time I have had a moment to myself, except for when I collapsed into bed mid afternoon as the body, and the fibromyalgia fatigue got the better of me. It sucks having a chronic health condition like this, but still need to do everything that a single parent needs to do, like, everything.

Normally, I do have a little help these days, Mum will cook dinner or make lunch, which is a godsend, but for the past few days she has been laid up in bed with a virus that has knocked her for a six. So I have had to do it all again, and make sure she is okay as well.

I did 3 loads of washing before 8am, then went out and got some things from Bunnings, which included a gas bottle refill, and now I know my new secondhand BBQ, which was free, but cost over $1700 just 2 years ago, works like a new one still. I just don’t know how people can be so wasteful, spend $1700 and 2 years later throw it away. Anyhow, their loss is my gain.

Jack has been doing more painting today, his art is amazing. I know, I know, all parents think that, but he has actually won awards for his. And his photography as well. I will have to get some photo’s up of his work, so you can see it for yourself. I guess he was bound to inherit something from me, and being a good artist and photographer isn’t too shabby a thing to inherit from my genes.

Apart from the things I have already listed from today’s effort, I pruned all the plants around the garden as well, and now our garden is coming along quite nicely. We have planted about 60 plants in the garden since we arrived here a month ago. It was an established garden when we moved in, but very neglected and a lot of plants were just about dead. Apart from one tree, I have managed to resurrect them all. It’s amazing.

I love gardening. It is just so relaxing. That might sound crazy in some ways, because it is hard work too, but it relaxes my mind. I have too much going on in my head most of the time, I appear pretty chilled to most people, but inwardly I am wound up, nervous, anxious, pretty much a mess. So gardening is medicine. It makes everything go away.

Talking about the whole anxious/nervous thing, last Friday, we went to the local Carols by Candlelight, and it was the first time I have been out in a social environment like that since moving here. It was a strange sensation, I am always on the look out for my ex, but now, she is over 3500km away. Because of her schizophrenia, it was always a worry living in the old place, because you just didn’t know when you would run into her, and because she is a schizophrenic who is prone to act violently, I just didn’t want to have Jack witness that, or me have to experience that again. So every time we went out, I couldn’t relax. Now I have to learn how to.

Anyhow, enough of my ramblings tonight, I must try and get some sleep before it’s back into the daily grind again tomorrow.

Andy.

Light and Dark

The last 2 and a half weeks have been such a crazy swirl of so much turmoil that, as my Mum said a day ago, this piece of time, between then and now is a blob. It’s been a blur, but also seemed like time has stood still, yet somehow we are now 2 and a half weeks after the event that has thrown our lives completely upside down.

A lot has happened in the past 3 days, I won’t go into the nitty gritty of it, but among the expanses of blackness, there have been a couple of small rays of light in the past 36 to 48 hours. We have a small piece of hope, and any hope is significant. Our future is at the whim of other people, we are in limbo, we can’t plan the future, we are in a place where everything could change with a phone call. It’s completely crazy. Unless you have experienced it, don’t even think you can imagine it. I wouldn’t have been able to imagine it until experiencing it. And I’m an artist and musician/writer, so I have a pretty good imagination.

My blow up at Dad a few days back has actually had a positive effect. He has stopped being a complete arsehole to all of us. Mum took me aside yesterday, and said that it seems he needed it, a good yelling at, telling him how he treats everyone without glossing it over. She was glad I had done it, because although life is completely complicated and stressful right now, having stopped all the bullshit nastiness spouting from my fathers mouth constantly, has made things just a little bit easier.

Tomorrow, I go to my doctor, my doctor of the past 5 years, who thought we’d said goodbye just 3 weeks ago. This is how crazy life is. I have been having a lot of stress related health problems since this all hit the fan, stomach cramps, chest pains, dizziness, blurred vision, weight loss (I need to loose weight, but not like this), nausea, and the effect it’s had on the fibromyalgia, which some of the listed symptoms are related, plus IBS, huge problems with memory and focus of thought, and a problem I have only encountered once or twice before with Fibro, but is coming every day now, stuttering and stammering. Oh, should I also mention the anxiety/panic attacks, mostly happening during the night, I wake up suddenly with a full on panic attack. I have a lot to discuss with my doctor. I am hoping he may be able to give me Valium, it’s something that has worked before when I have had enormous stress, and I am a strong believer in when you find something that works, use it.

Next week, Mum, Jack and I will be heading away for a few days, to visit family. We need a break, especially away from here. A place that once felt like a home has become a place that is ruined, with nothing that is making us feel any affinity with the place anymore. If I never come back here, once this mess is over and we move away, I won’t miss it.

 

 

Feeling very unwell

On Friday night, I had to take my mum to the hospital. She had been extremely fatigued and in pain for most of the day, it came on quite suddenly when we had been in town during the morning. When we got home at midday, she went to bed, no lunch, just straight to bed. I too was feeling wiped out, and tried to sleep but after an hour, and a throbbing pain in my right leg, I gave up trying to sleep. I went and collected Jack from school at home time, and when I got back, Mum was still asleep.

I checked on her, she was restless but asleep, so I let her be. Then, at dinner, she was very lethargic, and my concern for her at this point was quite elevated. We had dinner, got ready to go to bed, and went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I checked on Mum at 9pm, and she was breathing quite rapidly, you can really hear it when someone is using a CPAP machine. I said something to Dad, who seemed completely unconcerned. In fact, I have come to realise that he genuinely didn’t give a shit.

Anyhow, off we went, Mum, Jack and myself (because Dad didn’t give a shit), and spent the next 3 to 4 hours in the hospital emergency, where they did a variety of tests, including an ECG. Luckily, it wasn’t a heart attack, but it had all the hallmarks, instead it was the worst fibromyalgia flare up Mum has had yet. That’s the thing about Fibromyalgia, it can present symptoms of a heart attack.

We got home well past midnight, and Mum was off her head on Vallium and another pill they gave her at the hospital, and slept soundly until past 11 am on Saturday.  She was still not feeling great all day yesterday, but was noticeably better. Today she is almost back to normal.

So, now we get to Dad, and now knowing he doesn’t give two hoots about any of us, for sure.

Apart from his unconcern on Friday night, Saturday, seeing she HADN’T had a heart attack, he decided that it was game on again with all the nastiness. I found it very hard to stop myself from exploding at him, but did as mum had wanted, kept it together. Then came this morning, and I had had enough. So, I exploded. Jack was actually scared, and Mum and Jack both went to the room. I told him we knew he didn’t give a shit about us, how he was a nasty pig to everyone, and that I had had enough. He sat, completely unmoved, in his arrogant way. Surprisingly, he didn’t say a thing.

Mum, Jack and I left the house shortly after, as we had to get some prescriptions to be filled, and shopping to do. On the way into town, Mum told me that she was glad I said it.

When we got home, like the totally clueless fuckwit he is, he decided to be an arrogant pig again to Mum, but this time she found her voice. I haven’t spoken to him since this morning, and unless he starts being nasty to Mum, Jack or myself again, I won’t talk to him. I honestly don’t care if I never speak to him again.

Needless to say, I am now extremely unwell, I am having moments of dizziness, I am experiencing more and more intense pain as the hours go by, I feel ill in my stomach, and I have slept for most of the afternoon myself, even at one stage falling asleep without my CPAP machine, which I NEVER do. I’ve eaten dinner, but it wasn’t enjoyable. Right now, it is time for Jack to go to bed, as it is school tomorrow, and even though I have slept all afternoon, I don’t think it will be a problem to go back to sleep, as long as the pain doesn’t stop me.

I wish life would suddenly change. I wish luck would finally shine on Mum, Jack and I. I don’t know how bad it needs to get before things get better for us. I am still not depressed, I am just lost. It doesn’t come as a surprise when the next bit of bad stuff happens. I have always done nice things for everyone, I care about people. Why do we deserve this crap ?

In Limbo and Still in Shock.

Tomorrow, well the end of tomorrow, was the day we were supposed to be arriving at our new house. By now, we should have been on the road for the past 4 days. Every time I write, or talk to anyone, about this, I find myself slipping into a bewildered mindset. You know it’s happened, but still can’t believe it. You can’t believe there are people, evidently, in this world, who could be such huge pieces of shit, but you still, somehow, want to believe that there are still nice people out there.

I think I am at a point where I am the most confused I have ever been in my entire life. Funnily, I have learnt well how to deal with depression, and I am determined not to let that get the better of me. This feeling is not depression, it is just a pure lost and alone feeling. I am not depressed about feeling lost and alone. The lost and alone feeling is manifesting itself in confusion.

Right now, I am home alone, with Mum and Dad out trying to deal with one of the multitude of repercussions this situation has had. I had to do a lot last week, some things were immediately necessary, and on Friday I managed to have my head in an adequate place to deal with the last of the urgent things. I had changed my address with the college I have been studying through, and as I have just successfully completed that study, I was to be receiving my Qualifications in the mail. Well, now not knowing how long we are going to be here for still, I have had to change the address AGAIN, to my brother’s address, as he won’t be moving for a while. I also had to contact the ‘new’ school to let them know, as I had an appointment with them for next Monday.

Jack has not been doing well either. He wouldn’t admit it, but I can tell. He was eating like a horse before this all went to shit on Monday afternoon last week, then since, he has been right off his food. He even threw up after dinner a couple of days ago. The constant piggish behaviour of my father doesn’t help. He is acting like this is only happening to him, that none of us are affected by it, and he is continually being  rude and insulting pig to everyone. Even to the point, that he was starting to annoy our new legal counsel the other day. I wasn’t happy that I found myself suddenly thrust into the middle of my parents marriage breakdown on Jack’s birthday, I’ve already gone through this shit myself, but now, I find myself living with someone who is acting even worse than my ex.

So then, I also find myself in a situation where I don’t feel like I have a face to face person to talk to about all of this. Writing this blog helps a lot, but it’s only part of it. My Aunt and Brother both say the “if you need someone to talk to” bit, but then when you do, because they have no idea or experience of this sort of thing, they really don’t have a clue, and the suggestions they make prove it. You sort of get sick of idiotic, or what you view as idiotic, suggestions. I think if you want to offer advice to someone, you need to either know what you are talking about, or realistically put yourself in their shoes and be honest with yourself on how you would handle it before you even begin to just spout some inane, cliched advice.

“Of course I could do that if I had bucketloads of money, BUT I DON’T, and you know it, so why suggest it ????”.

“Of course I could do that, IF I WAS MADE OF STONE, but I am not a cold heartless bastard !!”

You get my drift here, don’t you ??

And don’t get me started on psychologists, because every single one of them I have dealt with have been crazier, and in more need of institutional help, than I. I guess they might help weak minded, easily manipulated people, but when you can see through their bullshit, and when you’ve tried their advice and it has failed spectacularly and only made the situation far worse than it was, you don’t have much faith left in them.

Anyhow, the next lot of crap I have to deal with in the fallout of this crazy episode in my life has landed on my lap as I have been typing, an email has arrived for one matter, and a text message has just arrived on another. I better deal with it.

Until next time…….

Now the fun and games really begin.

The sale of the house is now a reality. The new buyers had until 5pm today to back out, and they haven’t. My folks have the flights, car and accommodation booked to go and find and buy our new place, and on Saturday, a peace will once again settle over the place for a week. The past 3 days have been HELL.

It sort of came to a head of sorts about an hour ago, my fathers incessant belittling of everyone final got the better of both Mum and myself, so we both told him so. He somehow can’t see how he treats everyone else, he has so normalised criticising and belittling everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, that he thinks he doesn’t do it. So calling someone stupid to their face, calling someone dumb, or a silly bitch or bastard, isn’t demeaning or belittling ? (Those examples are tame compared to what else he says.) He really has a fucked up perspective and view of what he is like.

Years ago, when we lived in another place far away from here, both he and I were active in the arts community, mostly not the same things, but anyone who has participated in a strong arts community knows there is a fair crossover of people between different disciplines in the arts, so we would frequently be involved with the same people. They quickly realised that the reason I distanced myself from him in these artistic pursuits was because he was very different to I. They put up with him. They actively encouraged me to participate.

He said on that infamous day in June this year that he feels like an outsider. Well, he is, because once people realise what an arsehole he is, they stay away. I have seen it my whole life. That Denis Leary song was about my dad, I swear.

I know I am laying into my father a lot, but he is doing nothing to endear himself to anyone, and in fact, I reckon he will probably end up being an even angrier old man, and he will be what he deserves, lonely too. The angry, lonely old man. It’s pretty piss poor of him that he has got to the point that even his own grandson is scared of him.

We had another little revolt against him yesterday, Mum and me. He had said a few days ago that we wouldn’t be seeing my brother and aunt, Mum’s sister, before we left. Well, he got what for about that last night. My Aunt was so upset when she found out he had said this, she is in her 70’s, that she was saying to Mum that the next time Mum might see her is at my Aunts funeral. My Aunt can’t travel anymore, it’s just too much for her, and because dad will be leaving mum in one of those unenviable positions that a lot of older women find themselves in, she won’t have a huge amount of disposable income to travel either.

As I sit here, in our bedroom with the door closed, he is still carrying on, about something else now. It almost sounds as though he’s playing the victim. He likes dishing it out, but can’t take even of a millionth of what he dishes out himself. I am really over it. I really hope the preferred house we are looking at is available and nothing wrong with it when they look at it on Monday, as he will have his own building, totally away from our house. He won’t even have a key to Mum, Jack and my place, Mum doesn’t want him to, and I’m in total agreeance.

Anyhow, I need sleep, if I can get to sleep over the arguing, it will be good.

Andy.

Making an arse of yourself because of the effect other people have on you.

I while back, in another blog I wrote, I wrote about how I have difficulty these days with other people, I have social anxiety. Now, I never used to have it, it is something that has developed from 14 years of abuse (but I will point out that I am finally able to admit that it was abuse for much longer), I used to be one of the most sociable people out there, you might have even called me a social butterfly. But now, anywhere where there are more than a couple of people it’s all over red rover for me. It’s not that I don’t like people, I like people, but when you have been denigrated by someone who is supposed to be a loved one (in my case 2), for such a long time, you become distrusting of people, and scared of them.

Now, although that last bit isn’t quite where I thought this would start, it is relevant in a way. I have been encountering an excessive number of incompetent and down right rude people over the past few days, as well as having to deal with the pig of a human that is my father, and the stress of it all, partly because they have deliberately caused stress for no good reason, partly because I just get stressed with people now, I ended up making a complete arse of myself with Jack this morning. All the stress has been coming to a climax for a few days, I have been grumpy, I’ll admit it, but this morning I yelled at Jack for something he shouldn’t do, but my reaction was WAAAAYYYY over the top. I brought him to the verge of tears. I hate seeing him cry. It rips me apart. I love the little fella so much that all I want is for him to be happy, and not have an arsehole father like I have. I think one thing that makes my father worse with me these days is he see’s the great relationship I have with my son, and he has never had anything remotely like it with his own. He’s gone way past the point of no return on that one with me, and I suspect with my brother also.

So, as I drove out of the driveway to take Jack to school, I was just about in tears myself. I apologised, and told him why I was so stressed, and that he didn’t deserve that from me. When I dropped him off at school, he cuddled me for a few extra moments than normal, he could see the tears in my eyes, and he said that he knew I was having trouble, and that he loves me. It had the dual effect of making me feel better, and making me blub all the way home.

I very rarely explode like that at him. Every time I feel like shit after. I think if I was going to do comparisons between me and my father, in Jack’s 8 years, I have exploded at him less times in that whole 8 years,  than my dad would have in just one week when I was a kid. Now, you could think that was because I was a naughty kid, you’d be wrong, I never got into trouble at school, in fact every single one of my teachers thought I was an example of what they wished every student they had was. I’m not blowing my own trumpet there, it’s the truth. I was even second to the Dux at school, so you don’t achieve that highly at school if you are a problem child.

Anyhow, here I am, sitting here this afternoon, in a foggy daze of fatigue, and regret for this morning, wanting to sleep but finding it impossible to do so, and now it’s reaching the point where I can’t until after Jack finishes school as well.

We are still getting stuffed around by the person who is apparently going to buy the house, they still haven’t signed the contract, this time it’s another excuse about someone being in hospital. The offer that was accepted, well below asking price mind you, was made and accepted nearly 3 weeks ago now, and even though the contract is signed by my parents, there is excuse after excuse why they haven’t yet. Our lives are in limbo until they get on with it, because without a signed contract, we don’t definitively have it sold and can’t make arrangements for our new place.

I might just stop for now, I am twisting myself up in knots again as this stuff is all so stressful, and I just want it to end. Good news is though, that my home made trailer is now registered.

Andy.