Hmmm.

Feeling so wrecked for the past few days has been very difficult. I have somehow managed to drag myself through the day, even though I am sleeping poorly because of the fibromayalgia pain. It is so damned frustrating not being able to get comfortable in bed to sleep, you lie one way, your hip hurts, you lie another way, your shoulders hurt, or lying on your back, which doesn’t feel right to me, makes everything hurt. It’s matter of picking the least painful position to sleep and then hope you get some.

When I am like this, I feel a complete failure. That is the source of the related depression. You just can’t do anything. I feel like I am failing Jack, failing myself, just………, failure.

I hate it when I have stuff mapped out and planned, only to have this hit me, and then it’s just a huge game of catch up for weeks until I get to a point where I can make headway with the tasks I have underway. Sometimes, well lot’s of times, MOST OF THE TIME, I don’t even get caught up before it hits again, so I have this snowball affect happening, where everything I have going on just gets put on the back burner and gets further and further behind.

I hate how I, at 41, am in such a state, that I need to live at home with my mother again. Don’t get me wrong, it is easier knowing that when I am as bad as I am right now that there is someone around to help, but it does suck it out of you knowing that you just can’t manage completely on your own anymore. I will admit it, I’m man enough, it makes me cry at night.

Today we had to go shopping. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be eating. Mum doesn’t drive, so I had do that. Well, we went out at around 10.30am, and got back around 2pm, we had our new floor tiles delivered this morning, so couldn’t go earlier. The later in the day, the more mammoth the task gets for me. Just driving up to the shops 15 kilometres away is arduous when I am like this.

Then, dealing with all the sensory overload while out just makes it worse. We stopped in at a fake plant place because mum wanted to see what they were like, and as soon as I went into this small, overcrowded with stock shop, and with the smell of stale human urine, I needed top get out, so I went out and waited beside the noisy, busy road, to have a smoke, as the claustrophobic feeling was one thing, but the stink was just too much.

After we went there, we went to the shopping mall, where we got a frozen drink to keep us going until we got home, and the noise was unbearable in the food court, as I guess, and from experience, all food courts in shopping malls are. Mum wanted to sit down but I was clearly not coping with it, so I said I didn’t want to, and walked around with our frozen drinks while we did the rest of the grocery shopping. They had some very noisy (and pointless) performance (you know, some dance school exploiting very young girls to make more money, while plastering the young girls in make up that looks good on nobody) on in the centre of the mall, which really didn’t help either. After we managed to get the groceries in the trolley, we ended up with the worlds slowest checkout operator, it felt like I aged 50 years while the transaction took place. What should have been about a 20 minute grocery shopping experience took 40 minutes, yes, that is how slow the operator was. I mean, I had 3 bags of groceries (well, if I packed it, it would have been just 2 bags…).

After we got home, we had a late lunch, I flopped onto the couch, and tried to interact with the rest of the family watching a movie on blu-ray, I was too wired from the outing, but too tired to move. I was bored crazy, even though it was a movie I actually enjoy, I was just too tired and not focused enough to actually enjoy it this afternoon.

When Mum, Dad and Jack took the dog for a walk this afternoon, I went outside and watered the garden, I just had to do something where I felt like I had actually achieved something. Doing the shopping I guess was an achievement, but actually doing something other than that mundane task was what I needed. Even watering the garden was tiring, but at least it means the garden will keep growing, and I will be able to enjoy it when it does.

Anyhow, I need to go to bed, I dread it at the same time as yearning for it, I need it because I need sleep, but I dread the almost certain possibility that tonight will just be another crappy night of sleep.

Andy.

 

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Barely.

Last night I knew things were going down hill. For a few days I had been getting some of the tell tale symptoms that I was crashing. I kept on getting very windy, which nearly always precedes a flare up of Fibromyalgia for me, but it was coming and going for the last few days without anything progressing further. My fatigue levels had been in the upper end end of the 1 to 10 scale, for weeks, but have been even worse this past week. And the pain has been waxing and waning as well, but a gradual overall increase has been the trend.

After dinner last night, everything started to hit, except a rise in the pain, which hasn’t fallen below about a 6 on the 1 to 10 scale for weeks. The fatigue hit me like a truck, I mean, I was feeling okay one minute, the next it was almost all over red rover. I have been getting increasingly unsteady on my feet in recent days, but last night it was one step forwards, 3 steps sideways until I crashed into something, the wall, a chair, the door….. It’s almost like I feel like I am going to pass out.

Nausea, oh so much fun. I eat a delicious meal, not at all rich or spicy, just tasty normal food, and then it comes like a wave. My left hand has started to drop shit all the time again, which is the hangover from the stroke, as the fatigue gets worse, my ability to cope with it all slides. When I am okay, you wouldn’t even know I’d had a stroke, but when I get heavily tired, then it just all falls apart. Last night, as I was doing the dishes, I dropped a plastic container into the sink of water, it splashed on me, and I just got so annoyed and frustrated that I yelled at my hand to settle down, and almost felt like ripping it off.

I am just frustrated and annoyed this is happening. I try my best to stay positive about it all most of the time, but today, I was completely written off, pain, fatigue, everything, and for the first time for a bit, I have found myself monstrously depressed about it, and feel like completely giving up. This afternoon, I popped out the front for a cigarette, and was staring off into nothing, and just thought that I felt like I wanted to just soldier on until I keeled over, and then it would be all over. I don’t know if any of that makes sense, it is just too much to deal with right now. I can’t enjoy anything. I can’t sleep well because of pain, I am always dead tired, I can’t eat anything without feeling nausea, or if that doesn’t happen I get IBS and farty as well, I can’t concentrate on anything much, I sit and watch TV, hoping to be able to take my mind off it, but sitting down hurts. Lying down hurts. Standing up hurts. I reckon that if I was in space, floating around would hurt.

I so much want to do things, but just can’t do anything. I tried to sleep today, but it was hopeless. I just couldn’t get comfortable. If it wasn’t great pain in my hip, it was in my neck, or one of my shoulders. My feet were just throbbing with pain. My forearms aching. I feel like screaming.

Well, for now, I will go and have a shower and try to sleep once again. I have dosed up on pills, trying in vain to reduce the pain to a bearable level, so I guess I know tonight is going to be hell, I have resigned myself to that.

Andy.