Pig Headed

I’ve decided to be pig headed. I am going to suffer for it. I am currently without any pain medications, and I am going to let it all happen. I am determined to try, and prove a few things to people who need it proving to.

I know it’s going to be unpleasant, it already is, my last Tramadol was this morning, and normally, by now, I’d have taken my bedtime one, but I don’t have any.

Yesterday, I slept most of the day, and then slept well last night, in preparation, trying to get myself into a mental space to be able to deal with the pain I know is coming. My fibromyalgia is pretty bad now, and this little fool hardy enterprise will show others just how bad it is. I have a name for a doctor who apparently knows a thing or 2 about this terrible affliction, but can’t see her for a week, and I am honestly sick of dealing with doctors who are too caught up in the hysteria surrounding Opiod painkillers to prescribe them. Some people don’t respond to other treatments, I am one of them. Because of the paranoia surrounding these strong painkillers, I guess I am meant to suffer.

I am going to attempt to do what we have planned for the weekend still, regardless of how I am feeling. My son needs his father, and we need to have some sort of life together. It seems doctors don’t seem to get that, I thought they were meant take an oath to do what’s best for their patients, but obviously, that is a complete load of crap.

I hope I can get some sleep tonight, I will need every bit of it to deal with what I know is coming, I’ve been here before.

Andy.

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Circles

It first came out as circicles, whatever that means. Yep, pretty much how I am at the moment.

The moment I have been waiting for, but not wanting, has arrived. Well one of the moments anyhow. The inevitable crash, after months and months of sustained stress, and having to be superhuman somehow to get through, has happened.

I have been so incredibly fatigued every day for about 4 or 5 days now, but that doesn’t mean sleep comes easy. 2 nights ago, I was in constant pain and hardly slept. Amazing seeing that I feel like I am going to fall asleep every few minutes. The pain is unbearable, but I have to bear it, there really isn’t any choice. Imagine the most helpless you have ever felt, add to that a dash of hopelessness, and for good measure somehow keep going with a smile on your face. Pretty much sums it up right now.

I am beginning to run out of projects that I am able to do, there are projects, but they required an amount of physicality I just don’t have in reserve at the moment. And if it requires any sort of complex thought, well, see ya later. Each and every day just blurs into the next, each day in pain, dog tired, and more hopeless.

Weirdly enough, I am still not slumping into depression, somehow I am still managing to see some light in every day. I have had to resort to the walking stick today, something I haven’t had to do for quite a few months. I did say it was bad.

I keep trying not to sleep during the day, but to be honest, I think tomorrow I am probably going to have to sleep most of the day.

Jack had a bit of hayfever last week, I have managed to get him back well again, but a result of it was that he ended up with a bit of a staph infection around his nose and up a nostril. For days I treated it, which isn’t real fun, with a combination of Betadine, and a few other healing creams. It’s all healed wonderfully now, and he is going well again.

He’s been coming into my room a bit at night recently, he’s been having a few nightmares, especially about the violence he witnessed being waged upon me by his Mum. Even after 6 years, the memories come back from time to time. Anyone who says a 2 year old child doesn’t remember or take stuff in, is a fool.

Talking about flashbacks, I’ve had a few of my own in recent days. Maybe it’s just the result of a whacko brain full of fatigue. They haven’t been about my ex, but of random things, like the first day we started driving up here, just random snippets of that first day. I’ve also had a couple of those deja vu moments, which freak me out a bit. I haven’t had one of those for quite a long time, but I’ve had about half a dozen in the past week.

I might leave this for now, I don’t think I can process anything much anymore, let alone write, but that’s where I am at right now. Hope you all are doing better than me.

Andy.

Emotional.

Too much has happened in the last 8 months. Too much. I am at the point where everything is too much. I need a break, but even that would be too much. The stupid illness is wearing me down, more than before. Although I haven’t reached the really bad, almost writhing in pain pain, it’s been so heightened recently that it has left me destroyed. I find myself on the verge of tears, especially when I start to think is it going to end. Am I going to get a break from this soon? I am trapped by my own body. I am being held to ransom by it. It is just so ……I don’t know, I don’t know.

I FEEL SO ALONE.

Today we were up early, for the little jaunt to the markets, it was nice, but to be honest, although we had a successful day, by the time we got home at lunchtime, I had fallen into despair. A not real taxing drive, and a little wander around an old WW2  Aircraft hangar where the markets were held had done me in.

I know that Mum notices that I am not coping well. I am so wiped out, and my enthusiasm is waning. I just want to have a decent sleep, have no pain, and feel good, even if just for a couple of days. I feel lost, I feel lonely.

It’s not depression I feel. I am prone to it, I know it, it is an awful companion in my life at times. This is just sort of like a Groundhog Day. Same shit, different day. It’s almost a desperation for it to just change. Right now, if I were to win the lottery, it would still be the same. Sure, right now I sit here writing with tears streaming down my face and I feel sorry for myself. I am allowed to.  It would be so nice if some lovely lady walked into my life, hugged me tight, and told me everything will be alright.

Anyhow, I can’t write anymore right now, I am going to retire to my cold bed, and not sleep properly again. I know.

Andy.

Going to the markets tomorrow.

Today I gave myself a kick in the backside to try and snap out of the funk I have been in for days. It seems it worked to some extent, I still feel no different on the pain and fatigue front, it is really shitty to be honest still. However, I pushed myself through the day, determined to achieve something other than just surviving another day. I managed to vacuum and mop the whole place, did the washing, and even did a bit of work on one of my headlights, as it had become yellowed, as these plastic headlights tend to these days. It’s not perfect yet, but it is a lot clearer, and not yellow any more.

Tonight I have an arthritis glove on my right hand, as it is helping a little with pain relief, and I also have some ankle braces on both ankles for the same reason. Maybe, as these have been the 3 parts of my body that have been hurting in the middle of the night when I wake up, it will help me sleep better tonight.

Tomorrow, as a glutton for punishment, I am getting up at 6am to get ready to go to the markets at Atherton at 7am. We are hoping to get some bargains on fresh produce to stock up the pantry, and also, well I am anyhow, hoping to get some more food plants for the garden. A lemon, lime, mandarin, and a Pawpaw would be good. Chillies also.

Talking about the food plants, we’ve lost a few that we bought as seedlings, now we only have 2 lettuce and 3 rocket surviving, the rest just haven’t dealt with the recent climate well. The Passionfruit is going crazy, every night it seems to grow another 2 to 3 inches. I have beans that have germinated and are like the ones in the fairy tale. Yes, Jack and the Beanstalk, ironically. This afternoon I also saw that 2 of my corn seeds have germinated, along with quite a few of the spring onion seeds I sewed during the week. I didn’t check the peas, but yesterday they hadn’t surfaced yet. Our carrots seem to be chugging along well, and the only tomato that survived the weather, the cherry one, is doing well also. It seems that we will have to direct plant seeds, instead of seedlings, as they seem to cope better.

I also had a little win, I bought some shirts for Jack at an Op Shop before Christmas, not realising one of them was for one of the School Sports Houses, and I didn’t know which one Jack was going to be in at the time, but by happy fluke, nothing else, the one I got is the Sports House he is in !!! Incredible.

Anyhow, I have a big day tomorrow, it will start too early, and we will be going for a bit of an explore around the southern Tablelands after the market before coming home, so another 150km of driving, and the hard bit, thankfully, is first thing in the morning, going up the steep, narrow and windy Gillies Range. I don’t mind windy mountain roads, but it is a long climb, and you have to look out for twits that drive like loons.

I must retire to my sheets now, and snuggle for a good sleep, hopefully.

Goodnight.

Andy.

 

All over the show, and other crap.

It’s really hard to keep a positive focus all the time, especially when you’ve hit about day 8 of a really bad patch with fibromyalgia. Add to that the 242 days since my father decided to tell us he hated us all on Jack’s Birthday, yeah, a real classy move that, and all the continuous crap to do with that since, and yeah, it’s fucking lovely. It was true, he still hates us, because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t such an arsehole. The only consolation is that he hates everyone, and anyone who knows him, the feeling is likely mutual.

I try hard NOT to be my father. I think that that probably has irked him more than anything, seeing how Jack and I get along so well and what a fucking brilliant dad I am, and what a completely pathetic one he was, and still is. I certainly didn’t learn it from him, that’s for sure.

Yes, I am being really negative. I don’t really apologise. Right now, I don’t even think a holiday surrounded by beautiful women would fix me up. I am worn out, ground down, there really isn’t anything much left. I need a lucky break, but it just isn’t, and probably won’t happen. Can I just go to sleep and someone wake me when this shit is over ?

242 days ago, I was going to delete my Facebook account, and because it was glitchy that day, I didn’t get a chance. Yes, I actually hit the button to delete my account, but it didn’t work. Now, I am getting close to doing it again, starting a brand new one under an assumed name, and choosing who I want to remain friends with, people I KNOW I can trust not to pass crap on to people I want gone. Oh God, this post is all over the place, but I will keep going as is.

When I go through a spell as bad as this current bout of Fibromyalgia is, I get to the point where I get scared. The main thing is I get scared about if it’s going to end. The longer they go, the worse it is. I really don’t know how I get through it. The pain and fatigue just grind away, until, well, I don’t know, it just gets so demoralising.  I don’t know if anyone understands. I just want to feel normal, what ever that is, for just a bit. It is so hard.

Don’t think I’m a snowflake. I’ve worked 18 hour days 7 days a week as a stockman, I’ve been kicked by horses and bulls, and just got back up and back into it. I have worked damned hard in my life, and barely complained. Broken bone, if it didn’t stop me I didn’t bother to go to the doctor, it’ll sort itself out. I’ve been stabbed, and just held the wound together and driven myself to hospital. I am pretty tough. But this cruel illness has stuffed me. My mother has it and she reckons the pain of a bad flare up is worse than child birth.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I used to be the person who everyone came to for answers, and I can’t find the answer. I’ve got to stop writing. I am alone, I don’t even have a loving caring partner to help me through this. No, I’ve got to stop, all I am doing is getting myself all upset and crying. This is how bad fibromyalgia is.

Andy.

Pulverised

I am feeling the most shattered into little pieces I have for quite a while. The fibromyalgia is just bearable, meaning the pain side, it’s constant and quite intense, but not quite yet at the, “shit, I need to go to hospital” stage. I don’t have any of the stronger stuff, well stronger than tramadol, to fall back on at the moment, so I guess I will be finding myself a new doctor in the coming days. I haven’t got a new doctor since moving from interstate, so necessity is calling to get on with it.

It’s hard to get on with it though, when you are basically feeling like you are being squished to a pulp.

I had a dream sleep on my new mattress last night. Yes, I finally got my trailer sold and the very next morning I ordered it from the store up the road, and it was here by lunchtime the same day. That was yesterday. Last night, I got into bed, and instead of tossing and turning for half an hour before finally getting comfortable, I was comfortable as soon as I got in, and went rapidly to sleep. It’s a pity the fibromyalgia is giving me hell, because I did wake up a fair bit during the night in pain, but every time I lay back down, I was out like a light in no time flat.

This won’t be a big post, as I am really ready to sleep, today I have been on the verge of sleep since 10am. Just haven’t been able to do it. I might just wrap it up here, because my hands are starting to get very painful, and typing is becoming difficult, but that how life is right now. Not so good.

Andy.

Just………..well, just

I am just hanging in there. This is one of those posts. You know, where I lay out how bad the fibromyalgia is, and the struggle worsening today. Well, it is, but isn’t one of those posts, but it is. Wow, that was a great bit of back and forth, wasn’t it ???

I still try and make myself laugh when the fit hits the shan. Yep, there I go again. Today has been rough. Real rough. This morning I woke up asleep, and really haven’t shifted past that all day, but somehow I have managed to get to this end of the day. And pains have been popping up everywhere. At one stage, the stage where I had to drive the car to pick up Jack from school, my right arm, around and just below the elbow, got so painful that I couldn’t hold it up and hold the steering wheel. “So what?” I hear you say. Well, I drive stick. I hate automatics. That’s the so what. So every time I had to change gears, I had to move my arm up in agony to steady the wheel while changing the gears (yes, I am Australian, we drive on the correct side of the road !!!)

It started waking up asleep, stepping out of bed, and as I took my first step, pain shot through every single toe on my foot. During the day, it’s been between my shoulders, and travelling up my neck, and randomly appearing in my calves, my feet, fingers, arms, and anywhere else it tickles it’s fancy.

Anyhow, not to let being absolutely crippled get me down, I  actually managed to mow the grass, and finally sold my trailer. I have been getting stuffed around by half a dozen people, they arrange a time to come, then no show, or turn up, agree on a price, say they are going to get the cash and come back, never to be seen again. Well, today’s chap contacted me last night, drove a 2 hour round trip from the Atherton Tablelands, this afternoon, and after about 2 minutes looking it over with his Uncle, handed over the cash, did the paperwork, and that was that. I have been stuffed around for over 2 weeks, and then this fellow made it all so easy. It was refreshing to finally encounter someone who has manners enough not to stuff someone around.

Now I have $500 in my pocket, part of which is buying me a brand new mattress tomorrow, the first brand new mattress I will have ever had in my 41 years of life. The rest is going to be rolled into a business venture that I am going to try and embark upon. I will fill you in on that as it unfolds, but just let me tell you, it will be multi-faceted.

The other little bits of today where I was capable of anything much, I managed to get Jack to and from school, it may not seem like much, but today it was climbing Mt Everest, I cleaned out a bunch of plastic milk bottles that we need to take to the container refund scheme, yep, a stinky job, and popped a cutting of turmeric, that the chap that is tiling our place brought with him for us this morning, into a pot.

On the subject of tiling, he is nearly finished, and it looks fantastic. The renovations are nearing completion, well the major bits anyhow, with the last major thing to do, the removal and replacement of the kitchen bench tops, being done early next week, yet again, by me. We will be without a functioning kitchen for about 5 days, but it will be so worth it. That is the time it will take to remove it, get the new tops made to size, and then for me to fit the new ones once they are ready. That will be the last majorly disruptive thing to be done. Over the next few months we will paint the place as well, but that is easy and will be done in small bits, as finances allow.

Well, for now, I might leave it here, I need sleep, and my body feels like I have done 20 rounds with Mike Tyson (minus the ear biting bit), so hopefully, seeing the pain killers seem to be just kicking in, I will be able to sleep.

Goodnight.

Andy.