Quagmire

I am still in the quagmire. Well, probably deeper in it to be honest. I am getting to be in such a bad way that I feel an Emergency Department visit will be on the cards, maybe then I will finally get the medical care I need for my fibromyalgia? I don’t understand why doctors are so caught up in the hysteria surrounding Opioid painkillers. I mean, for some patients, IT’S ALL THAT WORKS.

I have never taken them different to what has been prescribed, I am clearly not addicted (3 months without them and I am suffering like hell because of my medical condition, and never experienced a single withdrawal symptom, like I would have if I was addicted), and they are the only thing that gives me any semblance of a quality of life (it still sucks, but with slightly less pain). I thought doctors took a pledge to do no harm and to improve a patients quality of life, not diminish it? Well, medical profession, you are failing miserably.

I have had all the usual signs of an impending flare up, and to be honest, it felt like a flare up already, so if the worst is yet to come, I am scared. I am on the verge of not coping. The pain is getting to the point where my thought processes are not real great, and thinking about anything more complex than what I have to do to get through the day and survive it is like trying to do theoretical physics without any background knowledge.

I don’t know what I am going to do.

Andy.

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Plugging away at keeping going.

It’s been a while since I last wrote, and I thought I better get back on the wagon, so to speak. I am also sleepless tonight, as I had all the signs of a flare up of the fibromyalgia earlier in the day, and then by 6pm, it was coming on strong. It used to be that I would get about 24 hours warning, now it seems to be about 6. My signal, that a flare up is imminent, is the delightful IBS.

Anyhow, I am always of the mind to keep my mind off of it. When I woke this morning, so exhausted that I seriously thought that after dropping Jack to school I would go back to bed, I instead came home, and levelled off the next bit of ground out the front, and planted the second Strelitzia we bought a few weeks back. I have a few plants to get in, 2 Heliconia’s, 2 Canna’s, a Lemon Grass plant, and half a dozen other things, that are supposed to control cats, ie, keep them out of the yard, well deter them anyhow.

The Canna’s and Heliconia’s were on hold until the fence which they will be going against was painted, and hopefully, by tomorrow afternoon, the fence will be done, I have 1 coat to go on the palings, the rest of it, posts and rails, are finished. Then, a whole heap of basalt rocks need to be moved, and then the area levelled and cleaned up, then the babies can be planted. I even ended up painting the steps in front of the shed with paving paint.

I never tackle these tasks in one hit, it’s just too much for my fibromyalgia, so, it may sound like I did a lot, but in reality, it wasn’t that much, and was fairly spaced out, so basically, I would do 15 to 20 minutes, and then need to rest for a good hour or so before tackling it again. It really sucks having fibromyalgia.

I can’t believe that only a few years ago, I would do heavy work all day, no problem, and then work half the night doing the same thing as well. I used to fit tyres and vehicle accessories all day, some times having to lift 100kg vehicle assemblies on my own, quite often whilst lying on my back, while fitting them back onto vehicles. Now holding a bag of shopping for any longer than need be is a struggle.

Anyhow, short and sweet tonight, I have a little adventure to write about soon, last weekend we did a nice 500km+ round trip for the day, and it was really an awesome day, so I will share a bit of that with you next time.

Andy.

Light show

Tonight, after several very warm and incredibly humid days, the heavens have erupted in a dazzling light show. It’s been rumbling with thunder since 5pm, and its just past 10pm now. I made a few attempts to get a few shots, but the rain just kept chasing me around. I may have something, I am not sure, but nothing too spectacular.

Yesterday Mum and I went off to the nursery to get some Bird of Paradise plants, Strelitzia’s, and one is planted already, the other will be done when I level out the ground where it needs to go. We even had the first 3 beans off our bean plants, Jack, Mum and I all had one fresh out of the garden, and it is years since I have had fresh beans !!

I have tied up the bean plants, to get them off the ground, and added some wires to the tomato trellis also, the tomato plants are growing like mad right now, it’s incredible. Talking about incredible, the 2 grape vines and the passionfruit vine are all growing about 2 to 3 inches every day at the moment. I am blown away.

The rest of the garden is doing well, I managed to cut a bit of the lawn out the back today, but my fibromyalgia is not good right now, so there is still a little bit to do.

Tomorrow is shopping day, but tomorrow Mum also wants to get a new school shirt for Jack, the shirts are special ones you can only get from the school, so we will have to get that before we head off to the markets for our fruit and vegetables, and then to the supermarket for the rest. It is our off week for the butcher, so at least we don’t have to do that.

Jack is motoring along at school, making impressive progress. Tomorrow is Cross Country day, and then next week is school photo’s, and it is also the last week before Easter break. We have a few plans for the school holidays, we will go off for a day trip to Babinda Boulders for a swim, we are thinking of a day trip to the Botanic Gardens, and I can’t remember the other things Mum said, but we reckon we will do about 2 things special a week for the holidays.

I must go now, my medications are all kicking in, and the fatigue is coming over in a flood.

Andy.

Pig Headed

I’ve decided to be pig headed. I am going to suffer for it. I am currently without any pain medications, and I am going to let it all happen. I am determined to try, and prove a few things to people who need it proving to.

I know it’s going to be unpleasant, it already is, my last Tramadol was this morning, and normally, by now, I’d have taken my bedtime one, but I don’t have any.

Yesterday, I slept most of the day, and then slept well last night, in preparation, trying to get myself into a mental space to be able to deal with the pain I know is coming. My fibromyalgia is pretty bad now, and this little fool hardy enterprise will show others just how bad it is. I have a name for a doctor who apparently knows a thing or 2 about this terrible affliction, but can’t see her for a week, and I am honestly sick of dealing with doctors who are too caught up in the hysteria surrounding Opiod painkillers to prescribe them. Some people don’t respond to other treatments, I am one of them. Because of the paranoia surrounding these strong painkillers, I guess I am meant to suffer.

I am going to attempt to do what we have planned for the weekend still, regardless of how I am feeling. My son needs his father, and we need to have some sort of life together. It seems doctors don’t seem to get that, I thought they were meant take an oath to do what’s best for their patients, but obviously, that is a complete load of crap.

I hope I can get some sleep tonight, I will need every bit of it to deal with what I know is coming, I’ve been here before.

Andy.

Circles

It first came out as circicles, whatever that means. Yep, pretty much how I am at the moment.

The moment I have been waiting for, but not wanting, has arrived. Well one of the moments anyhow. The inevitable crash, after months and months of sustained stress, and having to be superhuman somehow to get through, has happened.

I have been so incredibly fatigued every day for about 4 or 5 days now, but that doesn’t mean sleep comes easy. 2 nights ago, I was in constant pain and hardly slept. Amazing seeing that I feel like I am going to fall asleep every few minutes. The pain is unbearable, but I have to bear it, there really isn’t any choice. Imagine the most helpless you have ever felt, add to that a dash of hopelessness, and for good measure somehow keep going with a smile on your face. Pretty much sums it up right now.

I am beginning to run out of projects that I am able to do, there are projects, but they required an amount of physicality I just don’t have in reserve at the moment. And if it requires any sort of complex thought, well, see ya later. Each and every day just blurs into the next, each day in pain, dog tired, and more hopeless.

Weirdly enough, I am still not slumping into depression, somehow I am still managing to see some light in every day. I have had to resort to the walking stick today, something I haven’t had to do for quite a few months. I did say it was bad.

I keep trying not to sleep during the day, but to be honest, I think tomorrow I am probably going to have to sleep most of the day.

Jack had a bit of hayfever last week, I have managed to get him back well again, but a result of it was that he ended up with a bit of a staph infection around his nose and up a nostril. For days I treated it, which isn’t real fun, with a combination of Betadine, and a few other healing creams. It’s all healed wonderfully now, and he is going well again.

He’s been coming into my room a bit at night recently, he’s been having a few nightmares, especially about the violence he witnessed being waged upon me by his Mum. Even after 6 years, the memories come back from time to time. Anyone who says a 2 year old child doesn’t remember or take stuff in, is a fool.

Talking about flashbacks, I’ve had a few of my own in recent days. Maybe it’s just the result of a whacko brain full of fatigue. They haven’t been about my ex, but of random things, like the first day we started driving up here, just random snippets of that first day. I’ve also had a couple of those deja vu moments, which freak me out a bit. I haven’t had one of those for quite a long time, but I’ve had about half a dozen in the past week.

I might leave this for now, I don’t think I can process anything much anymore, let alone write, but that’s where I am at right now. Hope you all are doing better than me.

Andy.

Emotional.

Too much has happened in the last 8 months. Too much. I am at the point where everything is too much. I need a break, but even that would be too much. The stupid illness is wearing me down, more than before. Although I haven’t reached the really bad, almost writhing in pain pain, it’s been so heightened recently that it has left me destroyed. I find myself on the verge of tears, especially when I start to think is it going to end. Am I going to get a break from this soon? I am trapped by my own body. I am being held to ransom by it. It is just so ……I don’t know, I don’t know.

I FEEL SO ALONE.

Today we were up early, for the little jaunt to the markets, it was nice, but to be honest, although we had a successful day, by the time we got home at lunchtime, I had fallen into despair. A not real taxing drive, and a little wander around an old WW2  Aircraft hangar where the markets were held had done me in.

I know that Mum notices that I am not coping well. I am so wiped out, and my enthusiasm is waning. I just want to have a decent sleep, have no pain, and feel good, even if just for a couple of days. I feel lost, I feel lonely.

It’s not depression I feel. I am prone to it, I know it, it is an awful companion in my life at times. This is just sort of like a Groundhog Day. Same shit, different day. It’s almost a desperation for it to just change. Right now, if I were to win the lottery, it would still be the same. Sure, right now I sit here writing with tears streaming down my face and I feel sorry for myself. I am allowed to.  It would be so nice if some lovely lady walked into my life, hugged me tight, and told me everything will be alright.

Anyhow, I can’t write anymore right now, I am going to retire to my cold bed, and not sleep properly again. I know.

Andy.

Going to the markets tomorrow.

Today I gave myself a kick in the backside to try and snap out of the funk I have been in for days. It seems it worked to some extent, I still feel no different on the pain and fatigue front, it is really shitty to be honest still. However, I pushed myself through the day, determined to achieve something other than just surviving another day. I managed to vacuum and mop the whole place, did the washing, and even did a bit of work on one of my headlights, as it had become yellowed, as these plastic headlights tend to these days. It’s not perfect yet, but it is a lot clearer, and not yellow any more.

Tonight I have an arthritis glove on my right hand, as it is helping a little with pain relief, and I also have some ankle braces on both ankles for the same reason. Maybe, as these have been the 3 parts of my body that have been hurting in the middle of the night when I wake up, it will help me sleep better tonight.

Tomorrow, as a glutton for punishment, I am getting up at 6am to get ready to go to the markets at Atherton at 7am. We are hoping to get some bargains on fresh produce to stock up the pantry, and also, well I am anyhow, hoping to get some more food plants for the garden. A lemon, lime, mandarin, and a Pawpaw would be good. Chillies also.

Talking about the food plants, we’ve lost a few that we bought as seedlings, now we only have 2 lettuce and 3 rocket surviving, the rest just haven’t dealt with the recent climate well. The Passionfruit is going crazy, every night it seems to grow another 2 to 3 inches. I have beans that have germinated and are like the ones in the fairy tale. Yes, Jack and the Beanstalk, ironically. This afternoon I also saw that 2 of my corn seeds have germinated, along with quite a few of the spring onion seeds I sewed during the week. I didn’t check the peas, but yesterday they hadn’t surfaced yet. Our carrots seem to be chugging along well, and the only tomato that survived the weather, the cherry one, is doing well also. It seems that we will have to direct plant seeds, instead of seedlings, as they seem to cope better.

I also had a little win, I bought some shirts for Jack at an Op Shop before Christmas, not realising one of them was for one of the School Sports Houses, and I didn’t know which one Jack was going to be in at the time, but by happy fluke, nothing else, the one I got is the Sports House he is in !!! Incredible.

Anyhow, I have a big day tomorrow, it will start too early, and we will be going for a bit of an explore around the southern Tablelands after the market before coming home, so another 150km of driving, and the hard bit, thankfully, is first thing in the morning, going up the steep, narrow and windy Gillies Range. I don’t mind windy mountain roads, but it is a long climb, and you have to look out for twits that drive like loons.

I must retire to my sheets now, and snuggle for a good sleep, hopefully.

Goodnight.

Andy.