Appalled

I started writing this days ago. Even now, I am determined to finish it, but am really still lost for words. Friday last week, an appalling piece of human detritus decided to murder 50 people in the peaceful nation of New Zealand. This complete bag of shit came from my own country, Australia. I still feel physically ill even writing that.

In the days since, I have seen an amazing political leader, well, lead, and another try and hide his complicity in this madness. Jacinda Ardern is the leader EVERY nation needs. Australia’s Prime Minister is a hypocritical dirtbag.

Why, you ask, would I say that about the Prime Minister of my own country? Well, for more than a decade he has actively demonised people who weren’t white and rich. He blames them for every ill in society, just like that other impostor that calls himself POTUS. He calls them terrorists and rapists and murderers. He claims they steal everyone’s jobs.  He claims they steal our hospital beds, cause all the congestion in our overcrowded cities, absolutely anything wrong, is due to minorities and migrants. He’s been doing this all his political career, which is a lot longer than Trump’s.

So, this week he has been insincerely saying how horrible it all was, pretending that he cares. He is a narcissist and a liar, as they all seem to be. He has no compassion for anyone or anything. Oh, did I mention he is an extremist Christian? Oh Hillsong Church………

So, here he is, in denial, that his own rhetoric has created this monster who went on to murder all these men, women and children in one of the most peaceful nations in the world, one of our neighbours.  Every time he opens his mouth it is denial and hypocrisy. Not a thing is changing here in Australia, he talks the talk, but white supremacists are running rampant, and nobody is doing a thing to stop them. They even get protected by the Police from those extreme radical lefties who might force them to eat some tofu, the most dangerous thing a lefty can do.

I am now really ashamed to be Australian. I really hope, that come May, when we have our federal election, this phoney Prime Minister is voted out, along with the vast majority of his party’s other members in parliament. Total electoral annihilation would be good. We have had this political party (the misnamed Liberal Party of Australia, who are actually right wing extremist conservatives) in power the the best part of two and a half decades, with only a small break from them from 2008 to 2013. They have ripped the country to bits, pitting neighbour against neighbour, man against woman, poor against rich, white against black, Christian against everyone else for all this time. They have acted corruptly and looted the public purse and all it’s assets. They have destroyed the country I love. This horrifying act in New Zealand is just a symptom of the disease that is right wing conservative Christian extremism which has infected Australia.

I am so, so sorry to all those who have been affected by this tragedy. Not all Australians are like this piece of shit who did this terrible thing. I hope, come our election, that we can show you that the majority of us aren’t like that, I hope my country can show ME that the majority isn’t like that.

Love and peace to all,

Andy.

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Observations of Day One

I know, some of you have followed me for other reasons, but right now the fibromyalgia thing has taken over a bit. I promise, it will pass, but right now, it is overwhelming my life.

I have gone my first full day without any painkillers, and it is really, really not nice. The pain is off the scale, and honestly, if I hadn’t given myself a few days to mentally prepare, I’d be a mess, more than I am anyhow, right now. Fatigue is just incredible.

We did go out today, as I posted last night, I was determined, whatever I felt like, and I didn’t feel great this morning. We went up to Mossman, the drive up there is a little demanding, very windy bit of road, but stunning at the same time. By about the usual time for me, between 11am and 11.30am, I started getting the waves of fatigue like usual, but pushed on, but after we had lunch, I knew that getting home was a good idea. However, we did stop at a lovely beach on the way back, Mum went for a walk on her own up the beach for half and hour, Jack played in the sand, and I sat in the shade of a tree on the sand watching them both, using all my willpower to try and get my shit together.

So, I will say, I WAS NOT ADDICTED TO TRAMADOL. I have not had any of the side effects I should have by now, except for an increase in pain, which, is what I would have expected from fibromyalgia, so not a side effect of the Tramadol at all. The fatigue increase is also a good indication I wasn’t, because if I was, it should be the reverse. No nausea, or any of the other symptoms I should be experiencing if I was addicted and having withdrawal symptoms. It also shows me another thing, the amytriptaline I was given months ago, and that I had all the trouble with in October, really didn’t work on the fibromyalgia, because all the increase in fibromyalgia symptoms when I stopped Tramadol and was on amytriptaline then are exactly what I am experiencing now.

Anyhow, I am going to go to bed, and get some sleep, but I just thought it was worth an update.

Andy.

Pig Headed

I’ve decided to be pig headed. I am going to suffer for it. I am currently without any pain medications, and I am going to let it all happen. I am determined to try, and prove a few things to people who need it proving to.

I know it’s going to be unpleasant, it already is, my last Tramadol was this morning, and normally, by now, I’d have taken my bedtime one, but I don’t have any.

Yesterday, I slept most of the day, and then slept well last night, in preparation, trying to get myself into a mental space to be able to deal with the pain I know is coming. My fibromyalgia is pretty bad now, and this little fool hardy enterprise will show others just how bad it is. I have a name for a doctor who apparently knows a thing or 2 about this terrible affliction, but can’t see her for a week, and I am honestly sick of dealing with doctors who are too caught up in the hysteria surrounding Opiod painkillers to prescribe them. Some people don’t respond to other treatments, I am one of them. Because of the paranoia surrounding these strong painkillers, I guess I am meant to suffer.

I am going to attempt to do what we have planned for the weekend still, regardless of how I am feeling. My son needs his father, and we need to have some sort of life together. It seems doctors don’t seem to get that, I thought they were meant take an oath to do what’s best for their patients, but obviously, that is a complete load of crap.

I hope I can get some sleep tonight, I will need every bit of it to deal with what I know is coming, I’ve been here before.

Andy.

So many things…..

There are so many things I am feeling compelled to write about right now, the problem is, where do I start?

Tonight, on Australia’s ABC, 2 programs talked about the recent conviction of an Australian Cardinal of the Catholic Church for molesting children. The first was 4 Corners, who had had this program ready to go, but couldn’t air it due to a court suppression order, until tonight. To put it bluntly, the program was a damning indictment of the Cardinal, who by all accounts, is an evil monster. The program talked about the actual case he was found guilty of, but also other cases in waiting. Not only did he, as then Archbishop, molest the 2 Choir Boys in St Patrick’s Cathedral in Melbourne in the 1990’s, for which he has been convicted, but he also molested boys in the Ballarat Swimming pool way back in the 70’s, and there is evidence of other cases against him as well. This is the man that was in charge of overseeing the redress of clergy sexual abuse victims. No wonder that system didn’t work, that whole exercise was just to protect himself. This man was 3rd in line to be Pope.

I have known several victims of monsters like this one. It destroys them.

Both myself and my mother watched this program, during which, I said, that if anyone ever did this to my son, I would kill them. I mean it. I am not a violent person, I abhor violence, but this……this, it would tip me over the edge. Monsters like that don’t deserve sympathy. They deserve great suffering. I only hope that a Prison Guard “accidentally” leaves his cell open so that prison justice prevails. In Australian prisons, anyone who harms children is dealt prison justice. Most don’t walk out of jail ever again.

This brings me to another topic, funnily related but not. This evil monster was convicted in December, but due to other cases against him, it wasn’t able to be reported on in Australia. During the sentencing hearing, his legal team presented character references, glowing ones, from people who were already aware of his conviction, but were still willing to espouse his good character, and put their names to it. The most prominent being former Conservative Australian Prime Ministers, John Howard and Tony Abbott. Also were Ultra right wing political commentators employed by the former Australian, now American media tycoon, who see’s it as his duty to manipulate elections in countries all over the world. These people are standing side by side with a convicted paedophile.

It seems like a very damaging tactic, for a political party heading to a Federal election, to be defiantly standing by a convicted paedophile. Not only were 2 of it’s former leaders willing to support, full knowing he was convicted, a convicted paedophile, but numerous other politicians from the same party decided they too would stand by the convicted paedophile. You know, they all say” the person we know is not like this”. Most people who commit callous and abhorrent crimes have the same said about them, but it doesn’t make them any less guilty.

Currently, we have an Australian Federal Government, run by the Liberal Party of Australia, and, at this point I must tell those from other countries, they are commonly called the Lieberal Party, for good reason, because they aren’t liberal, they are conservative, and ultra right wing, bordering on fascists at that. So Mr Howard, and Mr Abbott, who was going to be a priest himself, are former leaders of this party. Their party is falling apart, they constantly lie to the public, and they do it so blatantly now, even when the truth is shown to them, they still stick by their lies. They claim Australia has low unemployment, but even a person who only gets 1 hour a week work is considered fully employed by this government. Underemployment, meaning employment that doesn’t give people an income enough to survive on, is at record highs. If people aren’t able to survive on the income they make, then the country is in a dire situation. They also keep propping up financial figures, claiming that the economy is going well, when everything is closing around them.  They are masters of creative accounting. It’s usually called fraud.

The reality is, this government is trying to cover up that our country is in recession, and has been for quite some time, probably about 2 years now.

They also are climate change deniers, even as our country experiences catastrophic floods and bushfires, and such unprecedented drought and extreme weather systems that have caused havoc across the country in recent months, they espouse the invalid greatness of coal, of digging it up and burning it. They are doing nothing about global warming. They claim, on “seasonally adjusted figures”, that they have lowered Australia’s CO2 emissions, but those figures aren’t real. They claim that over the entire length of their term in office, 6 years nearly, that CO2 emissions in Australia have fallen, based on a very slight fall, about 0.9%, in the last 3 months, “seasonally adjusted”. For the rest of the 6 years, emissions have risen. The net emissions have gone up by something like 3% since they have been in office. Before that, under the previous Labor government, they had fallen.

This government is also immensely corrupt. Free travel from corporate mates results in government contracts for travel being issued to their mates company. Water being diverted away from a dying river, which is dying because the water is being diverted to political donors who own cotton farms. Contracts worth hundreds of millions of dollars being given in secret, to provide services to the internationally illegal detention centres our country shamefully locks refugees up in, to companies whose only address is a wooden shack on a remote island off the Australian Coast with no postal address. Then there are the criminals, awaiting deportation, criminals who have run drug cartels and been convicted, paying bribes to “someone” in the Border Security Ministers home town, and suddenly being allowed back into Australian society, with all deportation orders cancelled. There are many, many other publicly available examples of the corruption that is rampant in this Liberal Party Government that Australia is currently subject to.

I hope, for the sake of our country’s future, that there are enough voters smart enough to see through the lies, and vote this mob out, in May 2019. I then hope, that if the Opposition Party gets elected, they stand by their promise, to set up an independent crime and corruption commission, and that these criminals, who currently “run” our country, end up in prison, because that is where they belong, along with their paedophile mate.

Andy.

Made it to the end of the week.

Sometimes, well, most of the time recently, it’s been something to celebrate, getting through another week. The incredible pain and fatigue have just been constant for what seems an eternity, and I wake up most mornings not knowing how I will get through. I always do, but each day for weeks has been an absolute struggle. I actually amaze myself, knowing that every morning I feel destroyed even before I get out of bed, I go through the day, do everything that is necessary, sometimes a little more, and come out the other end, to do it all the next day. The mind is a powerful thing, you can use it to get through even when things are real bad.

Yesterday Dad decided, after Jack went to school, to have another tantrum, because, that is what it is, a three year old’s tantrum, which has since unsettled both myself and Mum again. He just gets pure enjoyment out of making every body else miserable. It’s got me to the point that any unexpected noise is making me jump out of my skin. It was unexpectedly bad this evening, when our rather loud and uncouth neighbours decided that dropping the ramp on their trailer onto the concrete made a huge, startling noise, and my heart was racing for an hour after. It’s the anxiety part that made that happen, I know what it is, but it still sneaks up. It always sneaks up when the stress caused by an abusive prick ramps up. Anyhow, enough said, he’s an arsehole, and it will never change. Probably why most of the extended family doesn’t like him either. He only has himself to blame by the way he treats people.

This weekend we are going to take it easy again, as Jack’s skin condition is still not right, so we are going to try and get on top of that, and both Mum and I are still exhausted from doing too much and fibromyalgia. At least I am not suffering all on my on at home. We will pop down to our local market, 5 minutes down the road, in the morning, but if anything else beyond that happens, then it will honestly be a miracle.

Talking about miracles, I actually won $21 on the lotto last night, which has been re-invested in next weeks big draw, as well as paying for lunch today, a lovely spicy chicken wrap with a beautiful coffee at a place called Reveille Coffee at Mt Sheridan. It is an absolutely amazing place to get a coffee and something to eat, the food is the best I have had at that sort of place for a very long time.

Anyhow, better sleep, as long as the pain lets me.

Andy

Circles

It first came out as circicles, whatever that means. Yep, pretty much how I am at the moment.

The moment I have been waiting for, but not wanting, has arrived. Well one of the moments anyhow. The inevitable crash, after months and months of sustained stress, and having to be superhuman somehow to get through, has happened.

I have been so incredibly fatigued every day for about 4 or 5 days now, but that doesn’t mean sleep comes easy. 2 nights ago, I was in constant pain and hardly slept. Amazing seeing that I feel like I am going to fall asleep every few minutes. The pain is unbearable, but I have to bear it, there really isn’t any choice. Imagine the most helpless you have ever felt, add to that a dash of hopelessness, and for good measure somehow keep going with a smile on your face. Pretty much sums it up right now.

I am beginning to run out of projects that I am able to do, there are projects, but they required an amount of physicality I just don’t have in reserve at the moment. And if it requires any sort of complex thought, well, see ya later. Each and every day just blurs into the next, each day in pain, dog tired, and more hopeless.

Weirdly enough, I am still not slumping into depression, somehow I am still managing to see some light in every day. I have had to resort to the walking stick today, something I haven’t had to do for quite a few months. I did say it was bad.

I keep trying not to sleep during the day, but to be honest, I think tomorrow I am probably going to have to sleep most of the day.

Jack had a bit of hayfever last week, I have managed to get him back well again, but a result of it was that he ended up with a bit of a staph infection around his nose and up a nostril. For days I treated it, which isn’t real fun, with a combination of Betadine, and a few other healing creams. It’s all healed wonderfully now, and he is going well again.

He’s been coming into my room a bit at night recently, he’s been having a few nightmares, especially about the violence he witnessed being waged upon me by his Mum. Even after 6 years, the memories come back from time to time. Anyone who says a 2 year old child doesn’t remember or take stuff in, is a fool.

Talking about flashbacks, I’ve had a few of my own in recent days. Maybe it’s just the result of a whacko brain full of fatigue. They haven’t been about my ex, but of random things, like the first day we started driving up here, just random snippets of that first day. I’ve also had a couple of those deja vu moments, which freak me out a bit. I haven’t had one of those for quite a long time, but I’ve had about half a dozen in the past week.

I might leave this for now, I don’t think I can process anything much anymore, let alone write, but that’s where I am at right now. Hope you all are doing better than me.

Andy.

Calm

I am feeling relaxed and calm as I write. The last bit of the house renovations is just about done, the bench tops are all installed in the kitchen, I did it on Saturday, and today I cut the hole out for the cook top to go in, and put it all in place. We just have to wait for the gas fitter to come and connect the pipework to it, and then the Kitchen will be finished. The whole place has been in chaos since the beginning of the year due to tiling and the kitchen renovation, but now we are getting it all back to normal.

I still have the stress of finding a new doctor, it’s something that I will have to throw myself into this week, as I need a doctor who will help me manage this condition, but it needs to be a doctor who will work with me, not against me. Why are doctors so arrogant? They aren’t Gods, although I think a lot of them think they are. Working with your patient will always yield the best result.

Today I have spent a bit of time in the garden, which I really believe is my happy place. I got a lime and mandarin tree in the garden over the weekend, and have given them a good fertilise today with blood and bone, along with all the other food plants. I also ended up mowing the whole place, I was only going to mow the front yard, because I have been feeling wrecked and in pain, but ended up doing the lot. I was a bit of a mess when I finished, feeling a bit faint and also nauseous, but after sitting on the verandah, having a nice long drink straight from the garden hose (remember doing that as a kid? It is still good!!) and my cursed cigarette (something that I am planning on attempting to ditch again this week), I went inside and had some lunch, before I just couldn’t do any more and after a shower, had a sleep for an hour or so before I picked Jack up from school.

While I was sitting on the verandah trying to recover from the mowing, I watched the birds, some species of which I hadn’t seen in the garden before, and a multitude of of different types of butterflies, swoop in and out of the trees doing the most magnificent ballet routine I have ever watched. I also saw different types of skink lizard run around through the rocks and crevices, one type was rather large and had a brilliant red area running down from it’s head to it’s front shoulder. Last night, we even had a lovely little tree frog next to the front door, climbing the wall to get near the light for the bounty of bugs it was attracting. The Geckos are also making their presence known, one just cheerfully chirped just out my bedroom window. There are lots of little baby geckos around right now, and they are awesome little bug eaters, they stop a lot of the insects from making their way into the house, and we have no spider problems around the house itself.

I still have a few more tasks I want to sort out as a matter of urgency, like sorting all my tools out, because I have been the home handyman, I have been constantly doing stuff in the house, and the Granny flat where dad lives, and usually, when I am finished a job, I am too worn out to put the stuff away properly. So it’s all a bit of a mess, but now the big jobs are done, i am going to sort it all. Hopefully tomorrow, if I eel well enough to do it, or, more to the point, if I can push myself through the constant pain and fatigue to do it. I normally do, even though most of the time it is a struggle.

Well I might leave it here for now, I am barely awake, and the pain is pretty high, so I need to lay down, and hopefully, get a bit of sleep.

Andy.