Despondent

I am falling deep into a hole right now, nothing seems to be going right. Every step I take, I get knocked back 5 steps. I just wonder how much more shit will come my way before things turn around.

I should be happy, I have now found a doctor who is doing the right thing by me. That is actually going well.

It’s pretty much everything else that is all going to shit right now. I took my car in for a roadworthy to change the rego from the old state to the new, 2 things found, not major, but have to be done. First was a breeze, almost literally. The cabin filter (it’s part of the climate control system) was blocked up, meaning not a lot of air was getting through, I have new ones in now, and it is like my air-conditioning has been re-gassed, it’s cold and blowing strong again. The second was 2 suspension bushes, which just the parts alone were $200, which I don’t have the money for but found it, and then when I went to do the job today, I hit a road block, I need a hydraulic press, and I don’t have one. So I had to put it all back together, without having achieved a thing.

Then all the usual crap that seems to come my way, drama’s with Dad, a flare up of the fibromyalgia, which is making doing anything a nearly insurmountable task, so doing major mechanical work on a car,( I do have the skills and knowledge, I did it as a job), is just the thing I need, NOT !!! Then drama’s with Jack, and the list just goes on and on. I just don’t want to adult anymore. I am exhausted, fed up, in pain, and verging on a depressive episode, because nothing, NOTHING, seems to be going my way. By the way, being a nice, considerate, caring person your whole life, sacrificing your own comforts and joys in life for others, doesn’t seem to give you good karma. I’ve been a very nice, helpful, caring person my whole life, and still everything is shit.

I will go to bed crying tonight. I am allowed to. I have every reason to. I just wish that for once, I would end up with a meaningful lucky break. I have worked so hard my whole life, and I am broken. I need a lucky break.

Andy.

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So far, so good.

Yesterday, I finally think I found a doctor who I will be sticking with for as long as I can. A doctor who understands fibromyalgia, and that not very much helps, but opioid based painkillers do.

I have now had 3 doses since yesterday afternoon, and my pain levels have come down significantly, yes, I still have awful pain, but not excruciating pain. I have even gone for 3 walks today with the dog, one was about 20 minutes, the second was about half an hour, and another of about 10 minutes. I haven’t been able to hardly walk at all, it has been very demoralising and just the thought of walking was tiring.

I even slept all night, which, recently, well for months, has been virtually unheard of. I usually have been waking in agony 6 or 7 times a night, needing to move, stretch, and even take a hot bath, just to be comfortable enough to go to sleep again. It is almost blissful.

The plan is to try and keep the walking up, as long as I am able to, and I have recently started to not regulate myself to specific meal times, and several times now I have gone all day with no snacks, and just having one meal, yes, I do have 3 or 4 coffees during the day, and plenty of water, but I haven’t felt hungry, why have breakfast or lunch if you just don’t feel like eating ?

This has resulted in a bit of weight loss, yes, I have a long way to go still, but I am determined to get a deal of it off before the new year. I need to do this.

Andy.

Flubbeddydoo

What to call a post when you don’t know what to call it? I guess it will do.

I just wanted to start by saying that I apologise for not having posted much recently, I have just been very busy and preoccupied with too many things, life has just been a roller-coaster. Taking Jack to birthday parties, running Mum to various different things, trying to get the car prepped for a roadworthy to change the registration from another state, helping Dad build a fence across the side to secure the backyard, and throw in the Cairns Show, Cairns Gem Festival, Jack’s art classes, trying to get my art studio organised and built, and then on top of all of that, untreated fibromyalgia, it’s just been hectic, tiring and crazy.

Good news is, Mum has been seeing a new doctor (third time lucky) and yes, it seems we may have found the doctor we have been looking for, someone who is willing to help us with our fibromyalgia, and has an understanding of it. So, on Wednesday, I am off to see her as well.

I have gone months and months with no treatment, and hell doesn’t even describe it, so hopefully, I may finally get back onto the meds I need. The new doctor has not had a problem prescribing the only effective medication for Mum, so hopefully she will be the same with me.

The other thing that has been happening with me, inexplicably, is I am not hungry much recently, although it’s not making much difference to my weight, but for example, my first food today was tonight’s dinner. I didn’t even realise that I hadn’t eaten all day until I sat down for dinner. I knew I had bypassed lunch, I was engrossed in a job I was doing, and Mum asked me if I was going to have lunch, which I said I wasn’t hungry, but realising I hadn’t even had breakfast, because I was so busy getting Jack ready and then launched into my project for the day, was quite a shock.

Anyhow, I am going to leave this here for now, I am totally worn out, and, during doing a spring clean of my room, I happened to find 1 fast acting Tramadol tablet in my travel case, which I had no idea was in there, so I have taken it, and now the pain of the fibromyalgia is dropping to the lowest it has been most of this year, it may be a good time to get some sleep, because that hasn’t been very good recently again either.

Andy.

13 hours

Last night, I slept for 13 hours. Yep, that’s right, you read correctly. I was completely shattered when I went to bed, I was not able to take anything in, my brain was in shut down mode, the absolute worst it has ever been with Fibromyalgia. It was like that for hours yesterday.

Most of the time, the fibromyalgia means my brain is foggy, but yesterday was next level. I thought I wasn’t going to make it out of the shower before I went to bed. It was as if I was slipping in and out of consciousness. It was, to be frank, scary.¬†In my wilder days, I did smoke a bit of weed, and I did try mushrooms, the magic kind, once, and neither of those did that to me, nothing even remotely like it.

So after my shower, which is a nightly ritual, and I need to do to relax my body enough to even attempt to sleep, I had a cuddle in my bed with Jack, and then he went to bed, leaving me to sleep. I couldn’t even get out of bed to tuck him in, and I have only ever not tucked him in to bed twice before, in his entire 9 years. I always tuck him in.

So, this morning, when I eventually rose at 10.30am, I was still the usual groggy person I am when I wake, but I guess the grogginess didn’t last quite as long. My brain was more alert, more than it had been for quite some time. But it only lasted for around 3 hours, and then, once again, the daily plunge into the abyss of fatigue commenced. I usually last 3 or 4 hours after waking up before overwhelming fatigue crashes on me. As usual, unless I just can’t stay awake, I pushed on through the rest of the day.

I always try and sleep in when I can, but it doesn’t usually work. I usually am awake at 6.45am, and even when I try to sleep in, I don’t usually get past 7.30am, no matter how wiped out I am. So to sleep until 10.30am was quite a thing.

Anyhow, I must get off to sleep again, as tomorrow I have to rise early for shopping at the markets.

Andy.

School Holidays are here again….

We have just completed the 3rd day of the school holidays. Between the usual duties of doing the washing, and garden maintenance, Jack and I have been playing with the mountain of Lego I got him for his birthday. We are discovering just how many sets are there, there are sets that go back to 1978 that we have made so far !!! We now have a fleet of different trucks (newer style sets, so time consuming and huge), and a Firestation, (a huge one again), plus a 1979 Holiday home, and a few other buildings as well. And we haven’t even made a 1/3rd of it yet.

Today I took all the wheels off the car, put it on stands, and checked all the undercarriage out, getting ready for it’s roadworthy inspection, making sure everything is fine. I also pressure washed the underside as well, so now it all looks like a brand new car underneath. There are no leaks at all, this car has never leaked but wanted to make sure, and the brakes are all fine as well, with plenty left on the brake pads. It was a huge task, and I am paying physically for it now, but at least I now know that apart from a windscreen replacement, it is all okay and should pass the roadworthy inspection with ease.

After all of that, Jack and I went for an explore around the place, as Sugarcane harvesting has commenced, and seeing this is the first season we have lived here, I wanted Jack to see what happens. We found a place where a harvester was working, and watched for ages, as it went backwards and forwards across the fields. Jack was amazed, and there were a whole heap of white egrets following the harvester, obviously picking off all the harvester disturbed bugs. After that, we went on the hunt for some Cane Trains, and saw several, a couple were smaller ones, and then we spotted a huge locomotive carting a substantial load, more than 1 km long, to the sugar mill.

It’s all rather exciting, and when you go into town, the smell of the freshly crushed cane, and the smell of the subsequent juice being refined down to sugar, is sweet, literally !!!

Anyhow, time for bed, and hopefully sleep.

Andy.

 

Trying to get in the right place, where ever that is…

I have been struggling very badly the past few weeks, and it just doesn’t seem to be improving just yet. Nights of sleeplessness, pain that has been unbelievable, and all sorts of other fun stuff going on, and the complete despair of knowing that I will have to go to the doctor sooner rather than later, but expecting the exact same treatment, or lack of. I haven’t felt this lost for a while.

Every day I just tick the day off best I can. Distraction from just how bad I feel is starting to not work, although I try every day. I mow the lawn. I painted the shed today. I helped dad lop back a big willow that was hanging over the new shed and carport a couple of days ago, which was a big mistake for my well-being, on both a physical and mental/emotional level.

I am a wreck. I’ve started to get some sores from the stress on my body, particularly on my face. It’s the whole, messy package.

I just don’t know how I am actually even achieving a thing at all.

I am still managing, according to Jack, to be a great dad. I don’t know. I am still a better dad than my own in this state, but I feel as though I am not the dad I expect myself to be.

My tolerance of my father is very low right now. His nasty, smart arse, know-it-all (but knows nothing) unfunny behaviour just grinds me. I have given up on pleasantries, well, I keep the peace more or less, but his nastiness towards pretty much anyone, and then his acting as though he’s done nothing wrong, just makes me really fucking angry.

Just a little insight into what we are talking about here. Sexist and racist jokes. He doesn’t see them that way. He doesn’t believe he is a misogynist or a racist, but apparently jokes about dumb blonde women are funny, and blackface is okay.

He always expected someone else to do his housework, in the beginning it was his mum (who didn’t help, as she did everything for him and turned him into what he is), and then his wife. Only in the past few years has he actually ever done anything at home, and it was like he needed a gold badge every time he did anything. “I vacuumed today, I need a gold sticker”. “I cooked 1 meal this week, I need a gold badge.” “I turned the washing machine on today, that’s doing the washing”. Right now, his little granny flat reeks. It is such an horrendous smell, just like his room when in the old house, perhaps, actually, worse. He even came up near me today, and I doubt he’s had a wash for a few days.

If anyone actually stands up for themselves after or during an onslaught of abuse from him, they are picking on him. I mean, we are talking about a person who displays every attribute of a classic abuser. Is the perpetrator then cries victim.

Things unravel. It’s funny, I have heard a line from him, that he attributes to his grandfather, time and time again, and even just last week, “if you tell a lie, you have to have a good memory”. Well, his lies unravel at such a rate, it’s almost amusing now, especially when he quotes his grandfathers line.

When I changed my bank to a new one, from the old, “the family has always banked with such and such bank”, he gave me a huge amount of grief. Funnily, a bank statement arrived yesterday, for him, from the bank I changed to.

Apart from laying bare the hypocrisy, it uncovered another lie. He blamed a disagreement with Jack on Jack’s birthday last year, and chucked a huge tantrum, telling the whole family he was leaving and that we were all basically arseholes (on his grandsons birthday, and no apology has EVER been forthcoming for that), but now we have discovered, with the exposing of several things, that he was planning it for months, but he still sticks to the crap of this disagreement as being the catalyst for him splitting up with Mum.

His bank statement (which, now being from the same bank as mine) only comes every six months, that every six months starting from when the account was first opened. So, in January last year, he opened that account, the plan was already in motion. 5 months prior to his blaming Jack. He actually said on the infamous night, that he already had his own bank account. So yep, nothing at all to do with Jack at all. He really is a low bastard. His memory obviously sucks, because he exposes his own lies, and he doesn’t even realise it.

I guess that my little vent of the spleen is because the other thing is that he has a total disregard for any other persons feelings, or how they are in any way. I ended up helping him cut back that willow, just to keep the peace. I was, and have been incredibly unwell for over a month now, but he just doesn’t care. But, if he has a touch of hayfever, we all need to care. Well, I don’t like anyone being unwell, but his total disregard for anyone else has brought me to a point where I just about have found the second person in my life now that I have no care about at all now. The first being my second abuser (my father, I now realise was the first, and the reason why I thought¬† it was normal and accepted the second one for so long). I know he is my father, but all the shit I have gone through because of him over the years, I have paid my dues to him, and owe him nothing. I only do anything for him now for the sake of my mother.

Well, I still don’t know up from down, I am still a mess, still really unwell, and, well, lost. I don’t know what the future holds for me, and right now, it all sounds to painful and exhausting.

Andy.

 

Quagmire

I am still in the quagmire. Well, probably deeper in it to be honest. I am getting to be in such a bad way that I feel an Emergency Department visit will be on the cards, maybe then I will finally get the medical care I need for my fibromyalgia? I don’t understand why doctors are so caught up in the hysteria surrounding Opioid painkillers. I mean, for some patients, IT’S ALL THAT WORKS.

I have never taken them different to what has been prescribed, I am clearly not addicted (3 months without them and I am suffering like hell because of my medical condition, and never experienced a single withdrawal symptom, like I would have if I was addicted), and they are the only thing that gives me any semblance of a quality of life (it still sucks, but with slightly less pain). I thought doctors took a pledge to do no harm and to improve a patients quality of life, not diminish it? Well, medical profession, you are failing miserably.

I have had all the usual signs of an impending flare up, and to be honest, it felt like a flare up already, so if the worst is yet to come, I am scared. I am on the verge of not coping. The pain is getting to the point where my thought processes are not real great, and thinking about anything more complex than what I have to do to get through the day and survive it is like trying to do theoretical physics without any background knowledge.

I don’t know what I am going to do.

Andy.