Hmmm.

Feeling so wrecked for the past few days has been very difficult. I have somehow managed to drag myself through the day, even though I am sleeping poorly because of the fibromayalgia pain. It is so damned frustrating not being able to get comfortable in bed to sleep, you lie one way, your hip hurts, you lie another way, your shoulders hurt, or lying on your back, which doesn’t feel right to me, makes everything hurt. It’s matter of picking the least painful position to sleep and then hope you get some.

When I am like this, I feel a complete failure. That is the source of the related depression. You just can’t do anything. I feel like I am failing Jack, failing myself, just………, failure.

I hate it when I have stuff mapped out and planned, only to have this hit me, and then it’s just a huge game of catch up for weeks until I get to a point where I can make headway with the tasks I have underway. Sometimes, well lot’s of times, MOST OF THE TIME, I don’t even get caught up before it hits again, so I have this snowball affect happening, where everything I have going on just gets put on the back burner and gets further and further behind.

I hate how I, at 41, am in such a state, that I need to live at home with my mother again. Don’t get me wrong, it is easier knowing that when I am as bad as I am right now that there is someone around to help, but it does suck it out of you knowing that you just can’t manage completely on your own anymore. I will admit it, I’m man enough, it makes me cry at night.

Today we had to go shopping. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be eating. Mum doesn’t drive, so I had do that. Well, we went out at around 10.30am, and got back around 2pm, we had our new floor tiles delivered this morning, so couldn’t go earlier. The later in the day, the more mammoth the task gets for me. Just driving up to the shops 15 kilometres away is arduous when I am like this.

Then, dealing with all the sensory overload while out just makes it worse. We stopped in at a fake plant place because mum wanted to see what they were like, and as soon as I went into this small, overcrowded with stock shop, and with the smell of stale human urine, I needed top get out, so I went out and waited beside the noisy, busy road, to have a smoke, as the claustrophobic feeling was one thing, but the stink was just too much.

After we went there, we went to the shopping mall, where we got a frozen drink to keep us going until we got home, and the noise was unbearable in the food court, as I guess, and from experience, all food courts in shopping malls are. Mum wanted to sit down but I was clearly not coping with it, so I said I didn’t want to, and walked around with our frozen drinks while we did the rest of the grocery shopping. They had some very noisy (and pointless) performance (you know, some dance school exploiting very young girls to make more money, while plastering the young girls in make up that looks good on nobody) on in the centre of the mall, which really didn’t help either. After we managed to get the groceries in the trolley, we ended up with the worlds slowest checkout operator, it felt like I aged 50 years while the transaction took place. What should have been about a 20 minute grocery shopping experience took 40 minutes, yes, that is how slow the operator was. I mean, I had 3 bags of groceries (well, if I packed it, it would have been just 2 bags…).

After we got home, we had a late lunch, I flopped onto the couch, and tried to interact with the rest of the family watching a movie on blu-ray, I was too wired from the outing, but too tired to move. I was bored crazy, even though it was a movie I actually enjoy, I was just too tired and not focused enough to actually enjoy it this afternoon.

When Mum, Dad and Jack took the dog for a walk this afternoon, I went outside and watered the garden, I just had to do something where I felt like I had actually achieved something. Doing the shopping I guess was an achievement, but actually doing something other than that mundane task was what I needed. Even watering the garden was tiring, but at least it means the garden will keep growing, and I will be able to enjoy it when it does.

Anyhow, I need to go to bed, I dread it at the same time as yearning for it, I need it because I need sleep, but I dread the almost certain possibility that tonight will just be another crappy night of sleep.

Andy.

 

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