Light and Dark

The last 2 and a half weeks have been such a crazy swirl of so much turmoil that, as my Mum said a day ago, this piece of time, between then and now is a blob. It’s been a blur, but also seemed like time has stood still, yet somehow we are now 2 and a half weeks after the event that has thrown our lives completely upside down.

A lot has happened in the past 3 days, I won’t go into the nitty gritty of it, but among the expanses of blackness, there have been a couple of small rays of light in the past 36 to 48 hours. We have a small piece of hope, and any hope is significant. Our future is at the whim of other people, we are in limbo, we can’t plan the future, we are in a place where everything could change with a phone call. It’s completely crazy. Unless you have experienced it, don’t even think you can imagine it. I wouldn’t have been able to imagine it until experiencing it. And I’m an artist and musician/writer, so I have a pretty good imagination.

My blow up at Dad a few days back has actually had a positive effect. He has stopped being a complete arsehole to all of us. Mum took me aside yesterday, and said that it seems he needed it, a good yelling at, telling him how he treats everyone without glossing it over. She was glad I had done it, because although life is completely complicated and stressful right now, having stopped all the bullshit nastiness spouting from my fathers mouth constantly, has made things just a little bit easier.

Tomorrow, I go to my doctor, my doctor of the past 5 years, who thought we’d said goodbye just 3 weeks ago. This is how crazy life is. I have been having a lot of stress related health problems since this all hit the fan, stomach cramps, chest pains, dizziness, blurred vision, weight loss (I need to loose weight, but not like this), nausea, and the effect it’s had on the fibromyalgia, which some of the listed symptoms are related, plus IBS, huge problems with memory and focus of thought, and a problem I have only encountered once or twice before with Fibro, but is coming every day now, stuttering and stammering. Oh, should I also mention the anxiety/panic attacks, mostly happening during the night, I wake up suddenly with a full on panic attack. I have a lot to discuss with my doctor. I am hoping he may be able to give me Valium, it’s something that has worked before when I have had enormous stress, and I am a strong believer in when you find something that works, use it.

Next week, Mum, Jack and I will be heading away for a few days, to visit family. We need a break, especially away from here. A place that once felt like a home has become a place that is ruined, with nothing that is making us feel any affinity with the place anymore. If I never come back here, once this mess is over and we move away, I won’t miss it.

 

 

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Feeling very unwell

On Friday night, I had to take my mum to the hospital. She had been extremely fatigued and in pain for most of the day, it came on quite suddenly when we had been in town during the morning. When we got home at midday, she went to bed, no lunch, just straight to bed. I too was feeling wiped out, and tried to sleep but after an hour, and a throbbing pain in my right leg, I gave up trying to sleep. I went and collected Jack from school at home time, and when I got back, Mum was still asleep.

I checked on her, she was restless but asleep, so I let her be. Then, at dinner, she was very lethargic, and my concern for her at this point was quite elevated. We had dinner, got ready to go to bed, and went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I checked on Mum at 9pm, and she was breathing quite rapidly, you can really hear it when someone is using a CPAP machine. I said something to Dad, who seemed completely unconcerned. In fact, I have come to realise that he genuinely didn’t give a shit.

Anyhow, off we went, Mum, Jack and myself (because Dad didn’t give a shit), and spent the next 3 to 4 hours in the hospital emergency, where they did a variety of tests, including an ECG. Luckily, it wasn’t a heart attack, but it had all the hallmarks, instead it was the worst fibromyalgia flare up Mum has had yet. That’s the thing about Fibromyalgia, it can present symptoms of a heart attack.

We got home well past midnight, and Mum was off her head on Vallium and another pill they gave her at the hospital, and slept soundly until past 11 am on Saturday.  She was still not feeling great all day yesterday, but was noticeably better. Today she is almost back to normal.

So, now we get to Dad, and now knowing he doesn’t give two hoots about any of us, for sure.

Apart from his unconcern on Friday night, Saturday, seeing she HADN’T had a heart attack, he decided that it was game on again with all the nastiness. I found it very hard to stop myself from exploding at him, but did as mum had wanted, kept it together. Then came this morning, and I had had enough. So, I exploded. Jack was actually scared, and Mum and Jack both went to the room. I told him we knew he didn’t give a shit about us, how he was a nasty pig to everyone, and that I had had enough. He sat, completely unmoved, in his arrogant way. Surprisingly, he didn’t say a thing.

Mum, Jack and I left the house shortly after, as we had to get some prescriptions to be filled, and shopping to do. On the way into town, Mum told me that she was glad I said it.

When we got home, like the totally clueless fuckwit he is, he decided to be an arrogant pig again to Mum, but this time she found her voice. I haven’t spoken to him since this morning, and unless he starts being nasty to Mum, Jack or myself again, I won’t talk to him. I honestly don’t care if I never speak to him again.

Needless to say, I am now extremely unwell, I am having moments of dizziness, I am experiencing more and more intense pain as the hours go by, I feel ill in my stomach, and I have slept for most of the afternoon myself, even at one stage falling asleep without my CPAP machine, which I NEVER do. I’ve eaten dinner, but it wasn’t enjoyable. Right now, it is time for Jack to go to bed, as it is school tomorrow, and even though I have slept all afternoon, I don’t think it will be a problem to go back to sleep, as long as the pain doesn’t stop me.

I wish life would suddenly change. I wish luck would finally shine on Mum, Jack and I. I don’t know how bad it needs to get before things get better for us. I am still not depressed, I am just lost. It doesn’t come as a surprise when the next bit of bad stuff happens. I have always done nice things for everyone, I care about people. Why do we deserve this crap ?

In Limbo and Still in Shock.

Tomorrow, well the end of tomorrow, was the day we were supposed to be arriving at our new house. By now, we should have been on the road for the past 4 days. Every time I write, or talk to anyone, about this, I find myself slipping into a bewildered mindset. You know it’s happened, but still can’t believe it. You can’t believe there are people, evidently, in this world, who could be such huge pieces of shit, but you still, somehow, want to believe that there are still nice people out there.

I think I am at a point where I am the most confused I have ever been in my entire life. Funnily, I have learnt well how to deal with depression, and I am determined not to let that get the better of me. This feeling is not depression, it is just a pure lost and alone feeling. I am not depressed about feeling lost and alone. The lost and alone feeling is manifesting itself in confusion.

Right now, I am home alone, with Mum and Dad out trying to deal with one of the multitude of repercussions this situation has had. I had to do a lot last week, some things were immediately necessary, and on Friday I managed to have my head in an adequate place to deal with the last of the urgent things. I had changed my address with the college I have been studying through, and as I have just successfully completed that study, I was to be receiving my Qualifications in the mail. Well, now not knowing how long we are going to be here for still, I have had to change the address AGAIN, to my brother’s address, as he won’t be moving for a while. I also had to contact the ‘new’ school to let them know, as I had an appointment with them for next Monday.

Jack has not been doing well either. He wouldn’t admit it, but I can tell. He was eating like a horse before this all went to shit on Monday afternoon last week, then since, he has been right off his food. He even threw up after dinner a couple of days ago. The constant piggish behaviour of my father doesn’t help. He is acting like this is only happening to him, that none of us are affected by it, and he is continually being¬† rude and insulting pig to everyone. Even to the point, that he was starting to annoy our new legal counsel the other day. I wasn’t happy that I found myself suddenly thrust into the middle of my parents marriage breakdown on Jack’s birthday, I’ve already gone through this shit myself, but now, I find myself living with someone who is acting even worse than my ex.

So then, I also find myself in a situation where I don’t feel like I have a face to face person to talk to about all of this. Writing this blog helps a lot, but it’s only part of it. My Aunt and Brother both say the “if you need someone to talk to” bit, but then when you do, because they have no idea or experience of this sort of thing, they really don’t have a clue, and the suggestions they make prove it. You sort of get sick of idiotic, or what you view as idiotic, suggestions. I think if you want to offer advice to someone, you need to either know what you are talking about, or realistically put yourself in their shoes and be honest with yourself on how you would handle it before you even begin to just spout some inane, cliched advice.

“Of course I could do that if I had bucketloads of money, BUT I DON’T, and you know it, so why suggest it ????”.

“Of course I could do that, IF I WAS MADE OF STONE, but I am not a cold heartless bastard !!”

You get my drift here, don’t you ??

And don’t get me started on psychologists, because every single one of them I have dealt with have been crazier, and in more need of institutional help, than I. I guess they might help weak minded, easily manipulated people, but when you can see through their bullshit, and when you’ve tried their advice and it has failed spectacularly and only made the situation far worse than it was, you don’t have much faith left in them.

Anyhow, the next lot of crap I have to deal with in the fallout of this crazy episode in my life has landed on my lap as I have been typing, an email has arrived for one matter, and a text message has just arrived on another. I better deal with it.

Until next time…….

OMG ! Devastated…….

I was going to write tonight about how we had 2 more days left until the big move, how our furniture was finally on it’s way to the new house, all that exciting stuff. Unfortunately, it’s not to be.

This afternoon, we learnt the buyer wants to pull out. 2 days from settlement. The shit has hit the fan. Legally, as far as the contract reads, and all indications on the law websites for this state, they can’t, but if they don’t pay the money, we have to fight them. We will be.

Right now, my latter 60’s father, my nearly 60 mother and myself are all not well. We are gobsmacked. We were due to get in our cars and head to the new place on Thursday. We are packed. Our furniture is packed. We’ve been sleeping in camp beds for a week. Luckily, we found out half an hour before the shipping container full of our stuff was picked up and transported to our new place. We had to cancel that. Also, as a result, the new house is now not happening, luckily the sale for it was contingent on settlement of this place, so no penalties will be against us there. Thank fuck for that. These people are scumbags.

So tomorrow, my son is off school, and we are off to see lawyers, seeing our current one is part of the problem. We have discovered that the buyer, real estate agent, and the solicitor who is supposed to be representing us are all mates. We are going to go after the lot of them, as they have failed in even the most basic of obligations, which we have only been made aware of today. Apparently the buyer hasn’t even paid the deposit to the real estate agent, as we were led to believe had happened already. They were meant to pay that the day they signed the contract, according to the contract.

I think we are all still shell shocked. My fibromyalgia is now off the Richter Scale, all in the space of a few hours. I feel like throwing up. Dad went to bed early for him, he is not looking good. Mum looks like I feel, and we are still up, because, you know, we both have fibromyalgia and we are both getting hit now. I just feel in a daze. I know that when I wake up in the morning it will still be the same, I know it’s not a bad dream, although I wish it was.

The already fractured household is not going to be any better because of this, it’s probably going to be even worse, and seeing how bad it’s been this week, before this happened, I am dreading it.

I have to try and get some sleep. Somehow. I’ve been up since 5am, it’s now 10pm. I’ve been cleaning the house ready to move out, crawling into cupboards, wiping them all out, I mean, we are meant to be leaving in 2 days time. I have no words left. I still can’t believe it has happened.