I while back, in another blog I wrote, I wrote about how I have difficulty these days with other people, I have social anxiety. Now, I never used to have it, it is something that has developed from 14 years of abuse (but I will point out that I am finally able to admit that it was abuse for much longer), I used to be one of the most sociable people out there, you might have even called me a social butterfly. But now, anywhere where there are more than a couple of people it’s all over red rover for me. It’s not that I don’t like people, I like people, but when you have been denigrated by someone who is supposed to be a loved one (in my case 2), for such a long time, you become distrusting of people, and scared of them.
Now, although that last bit isn’t quite where I thought this would start, it is relevant in a way. I have been encountering an excessive number of incompetent and down right rude people over the past few days, as well as having to deal with the pig of a human that is my father, and the stress of it all, partly because they have deliberately caused stress for no good reason, partly because I just get stressed with people now, I ended up making a complete arse of myself with Jack this morning. All the stress has been coming to a climax for a few days, I have been grumpy, I’ll admit it, but this morning I yelled at Jack for something he shouldn’t do, but my reaction was WAAAAYYYY over the top. I brought him to the verge of tears. I hate seeing him cry. It rips me apart. I love the little fella so much that all I want is for him to be happy, and not have an arsehole father like I have. I think one thing that makes my father worse with me these days is he see’s the great relationship I have with my son, and he has never had anything remotely like it with his own. He’s gone way past the point of no return on that one with me, and I suspect with my brother also.
So, as I drove out of the driveway to take Jack to school, I was just about in tears myself. I apologised, and told him why I was so stressed, and that he didn’t deserve that from me. When I dropped him off at school, he cuddled me for a few extra moments than normal, he could see the tears in my eyes, and he said that he knew I was having trouble, and that he loves me. It had the dual effect of making me feel better, and making me blub all the way home.
I very rarely explode like that at him. Every time I feel like shit after. I think if I was going to do comparisons between me and my father, in Jack’s 8 years, I have exploded at him less times in that whole 8 years, than my dad would have in just one week when I was a kid. Now, you could think that was because I was a naughty kid, you’d be wrong, I never got into trouble at school, in fact every single one of my teachers thought I was an example of what they wished every student they had was. I’m not blowing my own trumpet there, it’s the truth. I was even second to the Dux at school, so you don’t achieve that highly at school if you are a problem child.
Anyhow, here I am, sitting here this afternoon, in a foggy daze of fatigue, and regret for this morning, wanting to sleep but finding it impossible to do so, and now it’s reaching the point where I can’t until after Jack finishes school as well.
We are still getting stuffed around by the person who is apparently going to buy the house, they still haven’t signed the contract, this time it’s another excuse about someone being in hospital. The offer that was accepted, well below asking price mind you, was made and accepted nearly 3 weeks ago now, and even though the contract is signed by my parents, there is excuse after excuse why they haven’t yet. Our lives are in limbo until they get on with it, because without a signed contract, we don’t definitively have it sold and can’t make arrangements for our new place.
I might just stop for now, I am twisting myself up in knots again as this stuff is all so stressful, and I just want it to end. Good news is though, that my home made trailer is now registered.