3 weeks to go…..

So the move is definitely on, and we now have a house to move to.

Mum and Dad have found a place where Mum, Jack and myself can live together in the main house, and Dad has his own smaller self contained house on the same block. We move out of here on the 6th of September, and all going well, we move in to the new place on the 14th. It will take us 6 or 7 days to get there, it’s a cross country trip, so it all seems to be falling into place.

The past week Jack and I have been home alone, and between packing already sealed boxes of stuff of mum and dads, and getting my last couple of things into the shipping container, making sure we are both fed each day and doing the usual stuff, plus a few appointments thrown in the mix, and I feel completely wrecked. I can say with a high level of certainty that moving in with my folks was a good idea from the point of view of my fibromyalgia. This week has been tough doing it all on my own again.

I have sent emails to the new school Jack will be starting at for term 4, after the spring break, and had a meeting this afternoon with his current teacher, organising some work for him to do while we are on the road, so he doesn’t miss too much. Tomorrow I am off to my doctor, it may be the last visit before we leave, I am not sure, I will have to see how it all goes.

I’m feeling a few different emotions this week, mainly because I have had a lot of time to myself, I have a huge sense of relief, for a few reasons. Relief that I am going to be living so far away from my abuser that the likelihood of running into her when down the street is zero. Relief that we now have certainty with where we are going, a house to move to. I even know my new address !! I am also anxious about what the next few weeks will hold for us before we move, and then about getting all set up in the new place. And lastly, I am feeling edgy, I want to go now ! Waiting for the next 3 weeks to go by is killing me !!!

Weirdly enough, I don’t feel sad. With everything that has happened here, it is time to go. I will not miss this place. I certainly won’t miss the horrible weather or the ignorant, misinformed people of this area.

New beginnings. New Beginnings. It’s exciting.

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Now the fun and games really begin.

The sale of the house is now a reality. The new buyers had until 5pm today to back out, and they haven’t. My folks have the flights, car and accommodation booked to go and find and buy our new place, and on Saturday, a peace will once again settle over the place for a week. The past 3 days have been HELL.

It sort of came to a head of sorts about an hour ago, my fathers incessant belittling of everyone final got the better of both Mum and myself, so we both told him so. He somehow can’t see how he treats everyone else, he has so normalised criticising and belittling everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, that he thinks he doesn’t do it. So calling someone stupid to their face, calling someone dumb, or a silly bitch or bastard, isn’t demeaning or belittling ? (Those examples are tame compared to what else he says.) He really has a fucked up perspective and view of what he is like.

Years ago, when we lived in another place far away from here, both he and I were active in the arts community, mostly not the same things, but anyone who has participated in a strong arts community knows there is a fair crossover of people between different disciplines in the arts, so we would frequently be involved with the same people. They quickly realised that the reason I distanced myself from him in these artistic pursuits was because he was very different to I. They put up with him. They actively encouraged me to participate.

He said on that infamous day in June this year that he feels like an outsider. Well, he is, because once people realise what an arsehole he is, they stay away. I have seen it my whole life. That Denis Leary song was about my dad, I swear.

I know I am laying into my father a lot, but he is doing nothing to endear himself to anyone, and in fact, I reckon he will probably end up being an even angrier old man, and he will be what he deserves, lonely too. The angry, lonely old man. It’s pretty piss poor of him that he has got to the point that even his own grandson is scared of him.

We had another little revolt against him yesterday, Mum and me. He had said a few days ago that we wouldn’t be seeing my brother and aunt, Mum’s sister, before we left. Well, he got what for about that last night. My Aunt was so upset when she found out he had said this, she is in her 70’s, that she was saying to Mum that the next time Mum might see her is at my Aunts funeral. My Aunt can’t travel anymore, it’s just too much for her, and because dad will be leaving mum in one of those unenviable positions that a lot of older women find themselves in, she won’t have a huge amount of disposable income to travel either.

As I sit here, in our bedroom with the door closed, he is still carrying on, about something else now. It almost sounds as though he’s playing the victim. He likes dishing it out, but can’t take even of a millionth of what he dishes out himself. I am really over it. I really hope the preferred house we are looking at is available and nothing wrong with it when they look at it on Monday, as he will have his own building, totally away from our house. He won’t even have a key to Mum, Jack and my place, Mum doesn’t want him to, and I’m in total agreeance.

Anyhow, I need sleep, if I can get to sleep over the arguing, it will be good.

Andy.

Stress is my biggest enemy

I do everything to avoid stress, I hate it, I don’t like it, but most of all, I despise what it does to me. The past couple of months have been VERY stressful, parents marriage breakdown, my father prior to that being such a nasty person to me and everyone, and then after a brief lull in that behaviour, a recent ramping by him again, the drawn out sale of the house, dealing with government agencies on a few matters, just all too much.

I don’t like conflict either, ever since living my abusive ex 6 years ago, I have hated it anytime anyone decides to have a yelling match. It’s another thing I avoid at all costs. I just can’t deal with it. It brings back too many bad memories.

The toll of the recent stress and conflict has taken it’s toll on me. I try ever so hard not to let things get the better of me, it’s almost essential to try and keep some sort of lid on the effects it has on the fibromyalgia. I have been losing the battle for the past couple of weeks, so 2 mega flare ups, spurred on by the ever changing weather as well, pain everywhere, fatigue, mind fog to the maximum, it’s just crazy. I even trimmed my hair today and there is definitely more grey in the past month. I am looking more “distinguished”, as my Aunt puts it.

The past couple of days have seen the good old indigestion make a comeback, I haven’t suffered indigestion like this for about 3 years. Once again, stress. I lost 8 kilograms in 3 days when this all started with Dads little tantrum on Jack’s birthday. I have got a little of it back, but even though I feel like I have been a bit of a pig recently, it’s not showing on the scales.

It’s funny with the whole fatigue thing. I have sleep aponea, but sleep every night with a CPAP machine, and my readings are very good, so that isn’t causing the fatigue. I have been sleeping like a log every night for the past 2 weeks since having the Tramadol to control the pain again, I mean, sleeping all night, no toilet wakes or even stirring, and I go to bed at 8pm and get up at 7am, 11 hours sleep !!! But the fatigue, it’s so damned crushing by the time lunchtime hits. I have had to have sleep in the afternoon most afternoons this week, although, all it does is rests my body, but I wake up like I am drunk and confused. It is not a nice sensation.

Anyhow, tonight I am up later, and going to watch a few silly youtube videos with Jack before we go to bed, it’s Saturday night, so why not let our hair down !!!

Andy.

Making an arse of yourself because of the effect other people have on you.

I while back, in another blog I wrote, I wrote about how I have difficulty these days with other people, I have social anxiety. Now, I never used to have it, it is something that has developed from 14 years of abuse (but I will point out that I am finally able to admit that it was abuse for much longer), I used to be one of the most sociable people out there, you might have even called me a social butterfly. But now, anywhere where there are more than a couple of people it’s all over red rover for me. It’s not that I don’t like people, I like people, but when you have been denigrated by someone who is supposed to be a loved one (in my case 2), for such a long time, you become distrusting of people, and scared of them.

Now, although that last bit isn’t quite where I thought this would start, it is relevant in a way. I have been encountering an excessive number of incompetent and down right rude people over the past few days, as well as having to deal with the pig of a human that is my father, and the stress of it all, partly because they have deliberately caused stress for no good reason, partly because I just get stressed with people now, I ended up making a complete arse of myself with Jack this morning. All the stress has been coming to a climax for a few days, I have been grumpy, I’ll admit it, but this morning I yelled at Jack for something he shouldn’t do, but my reaction was WAAAAYYYY over the top. I brought him to the verge of tears. I hate seeing him cry. It rips me apart. I love the little fella so much that all I want is for him to be happy, and not have an arsehole father like I have. I think one thing that makes my father worse with me these days is he see’s the great relationship I have with my son, and he has never had anything remotely like it with his own. He’s gone way past the point of no return on that one with me, and I suspect with my brother also.

So, as I drove out of the driveway to take Jack to school, I was just about in tears myself. I apologised, and told him why I was so stressed, and that he didn’t deserve that from me. When I dropped him off at school, he cuddled me for a few extra moments than normal, he could see the tears in my eyes, and he said that he knew I was having trouble, and that he loves me. It had the dual effect of making me feel better, and making me blub all the way home.

I very rarely explode like that at him. Every time I feel like shit after. I think if I was going to do comparisons between me and my father, in Jack’s 8 years, I have exploded at him less times in that whole 8 years,  than my dad would have in just one week when I was a kid. Now, you could think that was because I was a naughty kid, you’d be wrong, I never got into trouble at school, in fact every single one of my teachers thought I was an example of what they wished every student they had was. I’m not blowing my own trumpet there, it’s the truth. I was even second to the Dux at school, so you don’t achieve that highly at school if you are a problem child.

Anyhow, here I am, sitting here this afternoon, in a foggy daze of fatigue, and regret for this morning, wanting to sleep but finding it impossible to do so, and now it’s reaching the point where I can’t until after Jack finishes school as well.

We are still getting stuffed around by the person who is apparently going to buy the house, they still haven’t signed the contract, this time it’s another excuse about someone being in hospital. The offer that was accepted, well below asking price mind you, was made and accepted nearly 3 weeks ago now, and even though the contract is signed by my parents, there is excuse after excuse why they haven’t yet. Our lives are in limbo until they get on with it, because without a signed contract, we don’t definitively have it sold and can’t make arrangements for our new place.

I might just stop for now, I am twisting myself up in knots again as this stuff is all so stressful, and I just want it to end. Good news is though, that my home made trailer is now registered.

Andy.

 

Another day

Today is another day. It’s the one after yesterday and the one before tomorrow. Apart from that, I have been struggling for the past few days to remember what day of the week it is. I think I have had to remind myself about 5 or 6 times today that it is Wednesday.  It is Wednesday, right ??

Anyhow, my scatterbrainededness is the result of all the multitude of goings on over the past week. The stress of it all has done me in. Last night, I pretty much collapsed in bed, in fact, yesterday morning, which seems like an eternity ago, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I am glad I did, apart from the obvious reasons such as getting Jack to school and all that stuff, because I managed to get a few tasks done to my car that needed to be done before we make this several thousand kilometre trip to the new home in about 5 weeks time.

Over the course of the past 3 days, I have managed to completely polish the car, finish applying the stripes I started months ago, finished sprucing up the exterior, removed my L.E.D. light bar and bracket (I will put it back on when we get to the new place, but the car is only a small one and will be towing a trailer, so didn’t want to hinder air flow to the radiator on the trip), and generally managed to get a few things thsat needed to be done before the move done. I honestly don’t know how I have done what I have done, I have been feeling like I am getting a virus, then not, getting shaky, then not, and been battling enormous fatigue continually. The pain side of things has been alternating, but hasn’t been great either.

The next couple of days I don’t plan on doing much, I will try and knock over all of my online study units for this week tomorrow, but I plan to enter the next phase of packing my stuff on the weekend, after I get my new workshop trolley and toolbox. I hope, by the end of the weekend, that I will only have 1 item left to pack into the shipping container, and what is left will be packed in the car and trailer for the trip. i have to be this organised, because for all I know, I could end up being wiped out flat again for a week with a fibromyalgia flare up, so while I can, I do what I need to.

5 weeks is all we have left here now. Although the past few days have felt like they have dragged on, I know that these 5 weeks will pass by before we know it. Next week, my parents are going for a trip up to the new destination to look at houses, and hopefully buy one. Our number 1 pick is now under contract, but our number 2 is still available, and Dad organised with the real estate agent to look at it next week, so, hopefully, there are no issues with it, as it will more than likely, unless someone gets in before the end of next week, be our new home.

Mum has got 2 weeks off from work to go up there, and will basically work 1 week when she gets back, and then that will be the end of her days at the fast food shop here. I think she is excited and scared at the same time. The past few weeks she has found out that they will be ending the breakfast shift at the end of the year, and she really didn’t want to do any other shift times, so the sale of the house, and the move, has alleviated the need for her to have to negotiate new hours that don’t suit her as much.

Anyhow, I have to get myself into a shower and dressed for bed, Jack has just come out of the shower and is waiting for his pajamas to dry in the dryer, and I just heard it stop.

Goodnight.

Andy.