I’m not a horrible person

I didn’t know exactly what to title this one, but it tacks on the end of something I am going to write about.

I have, for the past five days, been in hell. Yes, right there. The pain I have been in has been excruciating, having come off tramadol onto the amyltriptyline full time on it’s own. Those little blue pills do absolutely nothing on their own.

I rang my doctor this morning, hoping, that there might be the slimmest chance I could see him today, as the surgery is closed over the weekend and this was the first chance, other than going into emergency at hospital, to see a doctor. I needed to see him, as he is the one who knows what is going on anyhow, and these days, he is in demand, unlike when I first started seeing him, when he was the new Black African born doctor that all the inbreds around here, who are such racists, wouldn’t see. Now word is out that he is actually a bloody brilliant GP, they overlook their racism to a degree.

Anyhow, I rang as soon as the surgery opened, explained he was my regular doctor and that I was having a bad time with a recent medication change, and that I desperately needed to see him. They got me in, and at 3pm, I saw him, by 4.10pm I was home from town after waiting an eternity at the pharmacy, and I would reckon that at 4.11pm I had the packet of tramadol open and a pill popped out, a glass full of water, and downed both.

Within 20 minutes, the pain, which has been absolutely excruciating for days, stopping me from getting any useful sleep, causing me to have panic attacks, and a whole raft of other absolutely crazy bodily malfunctions, was evaporating away. No, I am never pain free, that is true, but from the absolute agony I was in, it was almost like I was in no pain. I am now incredibly tired, but for the first night in almost a week, I think I am probably going to sleep like a baby.

So, back to the start of this little post. You know the saying where you experience something really bad, and you say, “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy”? Well, come on, yes you would. That is exactly what I felt this afternoon. As the pain started to recede, I was talking to my Mum, and started to say, ” I wouldn’t wish what I have been through for the past 5 days on my worst….” and then I stopped, and said, “actually, that is bullshit, I WOULD wish that on my worst enemy.” I actually think that saying, not wishing something bad on an enemy, is totally disingenuous. If you are going to even say it, then it means that you’ve thought that you might like it to happen to them, but then you realise you may be painted a horrible person for doing so.  But, and it does take a lot for me to even label a person an enemy, they’ve got to have really treated me like lower than dirt before they get there, I WOULD hope they would suffer like that.

Anyhow, here I am now, gradually feeling more normal again, my mind now piecing itself back together from being shattered into pieces by nights of no sleep and immense pain. I don’t know what the future holds in the way of treatments for this condition, but we have now ruled out yet another go to drug for it’s treatment. We know that I cannot take anti-inflammatory drugs due to the severe nausea they cause, so severe that even anti-emetics don’t work, and now we know that amyltriptyline on it’s own doesn’t work either. For now, I hope I can savour a little respite from this horrible experience for a few weeks before we experiment with anything else. And one thing is for sure, if I wasn’t taking anything at all, I probably would have done myself in by now.



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