Now the fun and games really begin.

The sale of the house is now a reality. The new buyers had until 5pm today to back out, and they haven’t. My folks have the flights, car and accommodation booked to go and find and buy our new place, and on Saturday, a peace will once again settle over the place for a week. The past 3 days have been HELL.

It sort of came to a head of sorts about an hour ago, my fathers incessant belittling of everyone final got the better of both Mum and myself, so we both told him so. He somehow can’t see how he treats everyone else, he has so normalised criticising and belittling everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, that he thinks he doesn’t do it. So calling someone stupid to their face, calling someone dumb, or a silly bitch or bastard, isn’t demeaning or belittling ? (Those examples are tame compared to what else he says.) He really has a fucked up perspective and view of what he is like.

Years ago, when we lived in another place far away from here, both he and I were active in the arts community, mostly not the same things, but anyone who has participated in a strong arts community knows there is a fair crossover of people between different disciplines in the arts, so we would frequently be involved with the same people. They quickly realised that the reason I distanced myself from him in these artistic pursuits was because he was very different to I. They put up with him. They actively encouraged me to participate.

He said on that infamous day in June this year that he feels like an outsider. Well, he is, because once people realise what an arsehole he is, they stay away. I have seen it my whole life. That Denis Leary song was about my dad, I swear.

I know I am laying into my father a lot, but he is doing nothing to endear himself to anyone, and in fact, I reckon he will probably end up being an even angrier old man, and he will be what he deserves, lonely too. The angry, lonely old man. It’s pretty piss poor of him that he has got to the point that even his own grandson is scared of him.

We had another little revolt against him yesterday, Mum and me. He had said a few days ago that we wouldn’t be seeing my brother and aunt, Mum’s sister, before we left. Well, he got what for about that last night. My Aunt was so upset when she found out he had said this, she is in her 70’s, that she was saying to Mum that the next time Mum might see her is at my Aunts funeral. My Aunt can’t travel anymore, it’s just too much for her, and because dad will be leaving mum in one of those unenviable positions that a lot of older women find themselves in, she won’t have a huge amount of disposable income to travel either.

As I sit here, in our bedroom with the door closed, he is still carrying on, about something else now. It almost sounds as though he’s playing the victim. He likes dishing it out, but can’t take even of a millionth of what he dishes out himself. I am really over it. I really hope the preferred house we are looking at is available and nothing wrong with it when they look at it on Monday, as he will have his own building, totally away from our house. He won’t even have a key to Mum, Jack and my place, Mum doesn’t want him to, and I’m in total agreeance.

Anyhow, I need sleep, if I can get to sleep over the arguing, it will be good.

Andy.

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Stress is my biggest enemy

I do everything to avoid stress, I hate it, I don’t like it, but most of all, I despise what it does to me. The past couple of months have been VERY stressful, parents marriage breakdown, my father prior to that being such a nasty person to me and everyone, and then after a brief lull in that behaviour, a recent ramping by him again, the drawn out sale of the house, dealing with government agencies on a few matters, just all too much.

I don’t like conflict either, ever since living my abusive ex 6 years ago, I have hated it anytime anyone decides to have a yelling match. It’s another thing I avoid at all costs. I just can’t deal with it. It brings back too many bad memories.

The toll of the recent stress and conflict has taken it’s toll on me. I try ever so hard not to let things get the better of me, it’s almost essential to try and keep some sort of lid on the effects it has on the fibromyalgia. I have been losing the battle for the past couple of weeks, so 2 mega flare ups, spurred on by the ever changing weather as well, pain everywhere, fatigue, mind fog to the maximum, it’s just crazy. I even trimmed my hair today and there is definitely more grey in the past month. I am looking more “distinguished”, as my Aunt puts it.

The past couple of days have seen the good old indigestion make a comeback, I haven’t suffered indigestion like this for about 3 years. Once again, stress. I lost 8 kilograms in 3 days when this all started with Dads little tantrum on Jack’s birthday. I have got a little of it back, but even though I feel like I have been a bit of a pig recently, it’s not showing on the scales.

It’s funny with the whole fatigue thing. I have sleep aponea, but sleep every night with a CPAP machine, and my readings are very good, so that isn’t causing the fatigue. I have been sleeping like a log every night for the past 2 weeks since having the Tramadol to control the pain again, I mean, sleeping all night, no toilet wakes or even stirring, and I go to bed at 8pm and get up at 7am, 11 hours sleep !!! But the fatigue, it’s so damned crushing by the time lunchtime hits. I have had to have sleep in the afternoon most afternoons this week, although, all it does is rests my body, but I wake up like I am drunk and confused. It is not a nice sensation.

Anyhow, tonight I am up later, and going to watch a few silly youtube videos with Jack before we go to bed, it’s Saturday night, so why not let our hair down !!!

Andy.

Making an arse of yourself because of the effect other people have on you.

I while back, in another blog I wrote, I wrote about how I have difficulty these days with other people, I have social anxiety. Now, I never used to have it, it is something that has developed from 14 years of abuse (but I will point out that I am finally able to admit that it was abuse for much longer), I used to be one of the most sociable people out there, you might have even called me a social butterfly. But now, anywhere where there are more than a couple of people it’s all over red rover for me. It’s not that I don’t like people, I like people, but when you have been denigrated by someone who is supposed to be a loved one (in my case 2), for such a long time, you become distrusting of people, and scared of them.

Now, although that last bit isn’t quite where I thought this would start, it is relevant in a way. I have been encountering an excessive number of incompetent and down right rude people over the past few days, as well as having to deal with the pig of a human that is my father, and the stress of it all, partly because they have deliberately caused stress for no good reason, partly because I just get stressed with people now, I ended up making a complete arse of myself with Jack this morning. All the stress has been coming to a climax for a few days, I have been grumpy, I’ll admit it, but this morning I yelled at Jack for something he shouldn’t do, but my reaction was WAAAAYYYY over the top. I brought him to the verge of tears. I hate seeing him cry. It rips me apart. I love the little fella so much that all I want is for him to be happy, and not have an arsehole father like I have. I think one thing that makes my father worse with me these days is he see’s the great relationship I have with my son, and he has never had anything remotely like it with his own. He’s gone way past the point of no return on that one with me, and I suspect with my brother also.

So, as I drove out of the driveway to take Jack to school, I was just about in tears myself. I apologised, and told him why I was so stressed, and that he didn’t deserve that from me. When I dropped him off at school, he cuddled me for a few extra moments than normal, he could see the tears in my eyes, and he said that he knew I was having trouble, and that he loves me. It had the dual effect of making me feel better, and making me blub all the way home.

I very rarely explode like that at him. Every time I feel like shit after. I think if I was going to do comparisons between me and my father, in Jack’s 8 years, I have exploded at him less times in that whole 8 years,  than my dad would have in just one week when I was a kid. Now, you could think that was because I was a naughty kid, you’d be wrong, I never got into trouble at school, in fact every single one of my teachers thought I was an example of what they wished every student they had was. I’m not blowing my own trumpet there, it’s the truth. I was even second to the Dux at school, so you don’t achieve that highly at school if you are a problem child.

Anyhow, here I am, sitting here this afternoon, in a foggy daze of fatigue, and regret for this morning, wanting to sleep but finding it impossible to do so, and now it’s reaching the point where I can’t until after Jack finishes school as well.

We are still getting stuffed around by the person who is apparently going to buy the house, they still haven’t signed the contract, this time it’s another excuse about someone being in hospital. The offer that was accepted, well below asking price mind you, was made and accepted nearly 3 weeks ago now, and even though the contract is signed by my parents, there is excuse after excuse why they haven’t yet. Our lives are in limbo until they get on with it, because without a signed contract, we don’t definitively have it sold and can’t make arrangements for our new place.

I might just stop for now, I am twisting myself up in knots again as this stuff is all so stressful, and I just want it to end. Good news is though, that my home made trailer is now registered.

Andy.

 

Another day

Today is another day. It’s the one after yesterday and the one before tomorrow. Apart from that, I have been struggling for the past few days to remember what day of the week it is. I think I have had to remind myself about 5 or 6 times today that it is Wednesday.  It is Wednesday, right ??

Anyhow, my scatterbrainededness is the result of all the multitude of goings on over the past week. The stress of it all has done me in. Last night, I pretty much collapsed in bed, in fact, yesterday morning, which seems like an eternity ago, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I am glad I did, apart from the obvious reasons such as getting Jack to school and all that stuff, because I managed to get a few tasks done to my car that needed to be done before we make this several thousand kilometre trip to the new home in about 5 weeks time.

Over the course of the past 3 days, I have managed to completely polish the car, finish applying the stripes I started months ago, finished sprucing up the exterior, removed my L.E.D. light bar and bracket (I will put it back on when we get to the new place, but the car is only a small one and will be towing a trailer, so didn’t want to hinder air flow to the radiator on the trip), and generally managed to get a few things thsat needed to be done before the move done. I honestly don’t know how I have done what I have done, I have been feeling like I am getting a virus, then not, getting shaky, then not, and been battling enormous fatigue continually. The pain side of things has been alternating, but hasn’t been great either.

The next couple of days I don’t plan on doing much, I will try and knock over all of my online study units for this week tomorrow, but I plan to enter the next phase of packing my stuff on the weekend, after I get my new workshop trolley and toolbox. I hope, by the end of the weekend, that I will only have 1 item left to pack into the shipping container, and what is left will be packed in the car and trailer for the trip. i have to be this organised, because for all I know, I could end up being wiped out flat again for a week with a fibromyalgia flare up, so while I can, I do what I need to.

5 weeks is all we have left here now. Although the past few days have felt like they have dragged on, I know that these 5 weeks will pass by before we know it. Next week, my parents are going for a trip up to the new destination to look at houses, and hopefully buy one. Our number 1 pick is now under contract, but our number 2 is still available, and Dad organised with the real estate agent to look at it next week, so, hopefully, there are no issues with it, as it will more than likely, unless someone gets in before the end of next week, be our new home.

Mum has got 2 weeks off from work to go up there, and will basically work 1 week when she gets back, and then that will be the end of her days at the fast food shop here. I think she is excited and scared at the same time. The past few weeks she has found out that they will be ending the breakfast shift at the end of the year, and she really didn’t want to do any other shift times, so the sale of the house, and the move, has alleviated the need for her to have to negotiate new hours that don’t suit her as much.

Anyhow, I have to get myself into a shower and dressed for bed, Jack has just come out of the shower and is waiting for his pajamas to dry in the dryer, and I just heard it stop.

Goodnight.

Andy.

A nice day out.

Well, as I said in the last post, we went out for a drive up to The Grampians today, Jack, Mum and myself. and we’ve all returned feeling a lot fresher in the mind. We’ve escaped the dome we’ve become accustomed to, and just chilled out.

I drove most of the day, and even though it was pretty appalling weather conditions and my body doesn’t like long drives so much anymore, I love driving. I still have that same sense I had when I first was able to go out and drive by myself after getting my license. The really is nothing like getting out on the road and just driving through the countryside.

Up until the last 18 months, Jack and I had regular outings, going to The Grampians, over to Melbourne, out to local national parks, it was great. But as finances have tightened, it’s become something that doesn’t happen enough. Today, I realised that it’s just going to have to be something that I somehow make affordable, because the feeling of regaining my sanity it has given me is so worth every single cent.

Andy.

Grufflbungalug

You know that feeling that you get when you’ve just encountered a clusterf#ck of crap ? That’s where this title has emerged from. Yep, the past 2 days have been far from desirable.

So, here we are, cruising along, as far as the realestate agent is concerned, the house is sold, as far as he’s told us the buyer is a cash buyer, blah, blah, blah, and then when my folks went in to sign the contract……there’s a finance get out clause, which extends out to a ridiculous time meaning that if it stood, we would have 3 weeks to organise a new place to live, move out, get our stuff moved, and yeah, just crap. When they told the solicitor that that was not what they believed was what the deal was, he quickly removed the clause, but now, here we are, scratching our heads, not knowing if it was a stuff up by the solicitor or not. Anyhow, nobody has let us know if the contract is not signed, the real estate agent is silent, and we are stressing not knowing what we are meant to be doing. It’s absolutely crazy.

So now, we have 3 adults, including myself, losing sleep, stressed out to the max, because all OUR plans are on hold, until we know what these morons are doing. The past 4 weeks have been stressful enough, with constant viewings by people who don’t have the money, being strung out by the people who have decided to buy, and now this. In the meantime we have packed a whole heap of stuff, had a big garage sale today that was already advertised before this came up, and yeah…….just yeah. I am literally sitting here shaking my head as I still can’t believe this is happening.

Anyhow, needless to say, the two of in the house who suffer from fibromyalgia are now in a mess more than just stress, as the stress is setting off the fibromyalgia. If it is just a mistake by the solicitor, once the deal is done and finalised, I feel like giving him a piece of my mind for the unnecessary stress that has been created.

Anyhow, our garage sale was a success, I only had 1 item left out of my stuff, and most of the other stuff went too. Anyone want a cheap set of snow chains ???

I now have the funds to buy a new workshop trolley/tool chest next week, which will house all my tools. I have wanted one for ages, was scratching my head about how I was going to move my tools when we move, and what I would store them in when I got up the other end of the move, and so this seemed to be the most logical solution, all my tools will be packed in it, and then the whole thing is the storage and the box it will be moved in.

Another upside of the last few days, is the weather has been dry and warmish, unusually dry and warm for this time of the year, but I will take it, if it wasn’t for the stress, the weather would have been perfect for the fibromyalgia. Now the weather is rapidly deteriorating, and the fall in barometric pressure is very evident, every time we get a rapid rise or fall in the barometric pressure, it sets off a fibro flare. It’s supposed to be very wet, very cold and very windy for the next few days.

Tomorrow, I am going for a long drive up to the Grampians, just to get away from here for the day. I am sick and tired of being around moronic people in the community, and a marriage breakdown, I’ve already had a marriage breakdown of my own, I don’t really need to be in the middle of someone else’s, but seeing it’s my parents and we live with them, then I really can’t escape it.

I am looking forward to getting up there tomorrow, Jack and I haven’t been up there for ages, and Mum might come too, she is still deciding. It’s slated to actually snow up there tomorrow, so it might be nice to get some last snaps of the snow before we move to the tropics.

Must go, I am exhausted (Jack and I got up at 6am to see the Blood Moon this morning, now that was a sight !!), and need to just wind down, have dinner and a shower, and go to bed.

Andy.

Wow, that was heavy !!

As you can tell from the last post, this blog isn’t just about me droning on about my ill health and struggling through every day. I have been writing blogs for a few years now, initially it was mainly to use as therapy, and it still is, I started my first blog, which is now de-activated, back in late 2013, about 5 months after I became a single parent. I still have all the content from that blog, and perhaps I will revisit it in the future. I may even share the odd tidbit here and there.

Today, I have been a little shitty. I didn’t start the day that way, in fact I had almost 9 and a half hours of continuous sleep, which is something that hasn’t happened for a long time, and rarely happens. I got up, the day was bleak outside, which probably didn’t set the right tone, but I got going, did all the usual stuff to get Jack ready for school, got off to school after putting my first load of washing on, and then got home, everything still pretty fine and dandy. However, come 9.30am, I realised that  I hadn’t taken any of my morning medications, oh well, not too late, took them, and then that was that.

At 10am, a call came through that the contract for the sale of the house was ready to be signed on Friday. Then, I had to go to town, I perused the secondhand shops and got some groceries, had lunch at the place my mum works, found out the building inspector was doing his inspection for the buyer this afternoon. After a totally piggish lunch, which consisted of Pepsi, fries and a burger that was delicious but way unhealthy, followed up with a mint choc thickshake (I was emotional eating, shit happens), I went to the appointment that had been the total reason I was in town. By this stage, I was feeling very tired.

So, after the appointment, I headed back home, passing Dad halfway home, he was heading into town. He flashed his lights for me to stop, so I pulled up and turned around and we spoke, it was about the building inspector coming, then I headed home, where I felt like collapsing on bed, but I had to pick up Jack still, and then I couldn’t sleep even after that, because some stranger was going to be wandering the house checking it all out and making sure it was okay. So, after picking up jack, we came home, Mum and Dad were back, Dad was being his usual piggish self, and I had enough. I was tired, I am still recovering from the ordeal of the five days of hell, and I just couldn’t deal with someone being nasty just for the sake of it. I had a few verbal swipes at him, something that I am not proud of, but have done so well not to under extreme pressure for weeks, and then just about everything was getting to me after that.

The inspector came, Dad did everything we had agreed NOT to do, but fortunately it didn’t affect the outcome, the bloke said everything is fine (as you would expect from a house that isn’t quite 8 years old), and would report to the buyer that he couldn’t see any problems. When I mentioned the things we weren’t going to do, one of them was that Dad wasn’t going to bore the poor bugger with his life story, I hate it when he does it, you can see the poor person squirming to try and get away, but there is nothing you can do until Dad is ready to stop. He is hopeless at reading body language. Well, the poor bloke got the life story, and Dad was oblivious to the fact that it was past dinner time and he’d agreed to make dinner. I gave up waiting and started cooking the vegetables, although my hands are so bad right now that peeling potatoes is like shoving my hands into a meat grinder. You can’t have dinner at 7pm when your school aged child needs to be in bed at 7pm.

You can guess, that now having had to start dinner off as well as being tired, sore and shitty already, I was just over everything. Up until I had my shower about 20 minutes ago, I was what Jack would call Grumpy Daddy, sort of like Grumpy Cat, just not so cute.

Anyhow, I better get myself off to bed, I was meant to be in bed an hour ago, but that’s life. I am still alive, somehow mostly keeping it together, and doing it a little easier than I was last week. It’s great being able function enough to actually do the simple things like eat, go to the toilet and the basics of looking after my son again.

Andy.